That is how I feel most days. I cannot get ahead. I am always running behind or just idling. There is so much I want to do and I just never seem to be able to get there. Take this marathon for instance. I was supposed to run it last year, but here I am a year later, and it still looms ahead. Will I run it? Until I am at the start line, I will not quite believe it. I keep worrying that I will get sick or something will happen to keep me from running it.
My uncle died on Wednesday. Well, one of my uncles died on Wednesday. My other uncle died over a month ago. I had no idea until Wednesday that my other uncle had also died. We do not deal well with death in my family. The trend continues. The funeral Monday should be interesting for sure.
Why I am so stuck? It has to be me and nothing else. What do I need to do differently? I wish I knew and if I really know, then I wish I would just shut the hell up and do it.
I find myself trying to lean more on my husband now than is my normal inclination. It feels awkward. It is just something I am not used to and not completely comfortable with. I am reading Gone Girl. It makes me really think about the personalities we take on. My is "sturdy Tif." I am pretty much that person with everyone. I am supposed to be strong and sturdy and have no needs and have no wants or desires. I am supposed to be sit by and be happy with what I am given. I am not supposed to want anything. I am supposed to be content. How f-ing boring is that? I want to scream at those (everyone) who expects me to be that way and ask if they too would be satisfied living like that? At the end of the day, I am supposed to be dependable, adaptable and malleable based on anyone and everyone else's needs and I am supposed to smile and be extremely gracious when a morsel of something good comes my way. It pisses me off. I work too hard to find that acceptable. I see my daughter growing up and I hope for her, that she never feels those expectations from anyone. My son too for that wish. I worry more about him than I do her sometimes. He is so freaked out by confrontation and is easily swayed. My daughter not so much. Her only danger, though, is that she is a girl. We treat girls so differently. You have to be thin, beautiful, smart, and accepting of anything a man throws your way regardless of who he is and what it is. Tough one on both ends for both of them.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Getting back on track
Oh, I am exhausted today. It is the kind of exhaustion from having a newborn. I was up all night with my son and I am just not used to that lack of sleep these days. Funny how times change. I used to do ok. Not so much anymore. I did get to do a lot of thinking last night, though. A lot of thinking and a lot of fantasizing. I used to have this wonderful vivid imagination, but as the crazies left, I shut my imagination out too. It is time to pull some of that back in. Some imagination is ok as an adult. It is time I practiced some of that.
Ironically, I have been facing my former demons or at least watching someone else face them through one of my best friends. Her mother was diagnosed with psychotic depression. I was diagnosed with depression with psychotic tendencies. That was over 20 years ago. A lot has changed in the mental illness world. Now it would have the diagnosis of psychotic depression. Seeing it through the eyes of someone else, someone more normal, only reminds me how crazy I really am and how different the rest of the world is from people like us. People hear "psychosis" and they get scared. Hell, I did when they told me about my tendencies. I read a lot of true crime so my next thought was, "Goodness, am I dangerous then? Will I hurt someone?" The answer is yes. My tendencies, however, center around me. I was a danger to myself, and I am still am but in different ways than I was back then. (Hey, if I can get through today without throwing up, that is a victory. One day at a time is a cliche, but it is true. Some days I even take a moment at a time!)
I watch my friend talk about her mother and how mental illness is treated and I see how easy it is for our families to believe that there should be a quick fix for the illness. Undoubtedly everyone in that situation would deny that is the case, but I have seen it myself from many angle, my own mother included. Mental illness builds over years. (With psychosis, however, it can come out in one large, uncomfortable burst.) It built over years. It takes time to detangle it and find the core (or cores) of the problem. It is hard to treat because those of us with this illness are secretive and scared of being "found out" so you never really get the truth. It is a hard disease to view from the outside, I am sure, so I do feel for those who love us. I really do.
I tell my hubby often that every day I tow that line of insanity. I am thankful to stay on the proper side most days. Sometimes, however, my obsessive-compulsiveness routes me dangerously close to the end of crossing over. I see that after it happens, and yes, it scares the crap out of me. These last few months have been hard at work and when the bulimia comes calling again, I know that I am slipping over. I always find that terrifying. I am hoping endlessly today to get back on track. I only have another 2 hours or so before I will be asleep and there is comfort in that for sure.
I am lucky. My husband has weathered my illness with me for years. He stayed with me when he probably should have left. He stayed when most men would have left. He is trying to accept that sometimes I have compulsions I cannot control which is not easy. He tries to understand when I am binging and purging which is what I truly need at the time. He never judges me then which is good because I judge myself enough for everyone.
Back on track? I am hoping. Just maybe.
Ironically, I have been facing my former demons or at least watching someone else face them through one of my best friends. Her mother was diagnosed with psychotic depression. I was diagnosed with depression with psychotic tendencies. That was over 20 years ago. A lot has changed in the mental illness world. Now it would have the diagnosis of psychotic depression. Seeing it through the eyes of someone else, someone more normal, only reminds me how crazy I really am and how different the rest of the world is from people like us. People hear "psychosis" and they get scared. Hell, I did when they told me about my tendencies. I read a lot of true crime so my next thought was, "Goodness, am I dangerous then? Will I hurt someone?" The answer is yes. My tendencies, however, center around me. I was a danger to myself, and I am still am but in different ways than I was back then. (Hey, if I can get through today without throwing up, that is a victory. One day at a time is a cliche, but it is true. Some days I even take a moment at a time!)
I watch my friend talk about her mother and how mental illness is treated and I see how easy it is for our families to believe that there should be a quick fix for the illness. Undoubtedly everyone in that situation would deny that is the case, but I have seen it myself from many angle, my own mother included. Mental illness builds over years. (With psychosis, however, it can come out in one large, uncomfortable burst.) It built over years. It takes time to detangle it and find the core (or cores) of the problem. It is hard to treat because those of us with this illness are secretive and scared of being "found out" so you never really get the truth. It is a hard disease to view from the outside, I am sure, so I do feel for those who love us. I really do.
I tell my hubby often that every day I tow that line of insanity. I am thankful to stay on the proper side most days. Sometimes, however, my obsessive-compulsiveness routes me dangerously close to the end of crossing over. I see that after it happens, and yes, it scares the crap out of me. These last few months have been hard at work and when the bulimia comes calling again, I know that I am slipping over. I always find that terrifying. I am hoping endlessly today to get back on track. I only have another 2 hours or so before I will be asleep and there is comfort in that for sure.
I am lucky. My husband has weathered my illness with me for years. He stayed with me when he probably should have left. He stayed when most men would have left. He is trying to accept that sometimes I have compulsions I cannot control which is not easy. He tries to understand when I am binging and purging which is what I truly need at the time. He never judges me then which is good because I judge myself enough for everyone.
Back on track? I am hoping. Just maybe.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
My moment in time
So I had definitely built up this past weekend as a special weekend when maybe I would get the one moment I have spent the last 38 years looking for. Maybe not 38 years. Probably more like 31 or 32. Everyone wants that special moment in time when they feel amazing and on top of the world. I finally realized today what that moment is for me. It sounds horribly shallow, but growing up how I did, it is not surprising at all. I want that moment where I am beautiful and I know it. I really worked hard and spent more money than I have to make that happen. It still escaped me so I am starting to truly believe that I am the problem. My hubby wonders why I cannot feel attractive. How can I when the end result is the same and the one thing that is always the same is me. My mother was probably right. I am not attractive and no one will ever find me attractive. It is what it is, right.
It made me think about the moments when I do feel attractive. I feel thin and good and happy. I am going to put it all out here in a very shallow and superficial way. It is kind of scary because I know I will be judged by others as much as I judge myself for it. We are all constantly told to look past looks, but yet we are constantly inundated with beautiful pictures of beautiful people. Does not make a lot of sense to me, but I do not get to design the world...
In any event, I feel attractive when I am thinner. My weight fluctuates between 139-142 pounds. I felt great a year ago at 132. I felt thin and wonderful and so close to the 130 pounds I desire. There have been days this year when I felt good too and those were days that I felt in control of my eating in ways that I know helped me get to my weight goals. I controlled the food. Not the other way around which is how so many of my days go. I hate the out of control eating because it keeps me from my goal of feeling beautiful and amazing. It is all self sabotage. I hate myself for that.
I also feel attractive when I am dressed in tight fitting clothes. I feel sexy and that makes me feel better. I am a mom of two young children. My days of wearing those clothes are dwindling. What then? I rarely get dressed up and despite wearing one of the prettiest dresses I have worn in a long time this past weekend, I felt dowdy and awkward. No one other than family really wanted to talk to me. Maybe I come off as aloof because I tend to be shy and that is why. I do not know.
I keep thinking and wondering what else I can do. I wore a beautiful dress and had my hair done (which I did not like by the way. It was not what I asked for and as I walked out of the hair salon 50 minutes before the wedding, I had no time to ask them to fix it.) Maybe that was part of it too. I put my make up on in the car. I had to get dressed in 2 minutes to run back out the door to go to the wedding and the stress certainly weighed on me. I thought having my hair done would be wonderful. I thought I would love it. I did not since it was not what I asked for and let's face it, my make up was thrown on in the car. I take more time for my make-up before I go to work!
I am certain that there is not an answer here. This is more just venting and trying to figure out what I am doing wrong or maybe just accepting the truth about me. I don't know. I guess ultimately, I am just tired of wondering and worrying about it.
It made me think about the moments when I do feel attractive. I feel thin and good and happy. I am going to put it all out here in a very shallow and superficial way. It is kind of scary because I know I will be judged by others as much as I judge myself for it. We are all constantly told to look past looks, but yet we are constantly inundated with beautiful pictures of beautiful people. Does not make a lot of sense to me, but I do not get to design the world...
In any event, I feel attractive when I am thinner. My weight fluctuates between 139-142 pounds. I felt great a year ago at 132. I felt thin and wonderful and so close to the 130 pounds I desire. There have been days this year when I felt good too and those were days that I felt in control of my eating in ways that I know helped me get to my weight goals. I controlled the food. Not the other way around which is how so many of my days go. I hate the out of control eating because it keeps me from my goal of feeling beautiful and amazing. It is all self sabotage. I hate myself for that.
I also feel attractive when I am dressed in tight fitting clothes. I feel sexy and that makes me feel better. I am a mom of two young children. My days of wearing those clothes are dwindling. What then? I rarely get dressed up and despite wearing one of the prettiest dresses I have worn in a long time this past weekend, I felt dowdy and awkward. No one other than family really wanted to talk to me. Maybe I come off as aloof because I tend to be shy and that is why. I do not know.
I keep thinking and wondering what else I can do. I wore a beautiful dress and had my hair done (which I did not like by the way. It was not what I asked for and as I walked out of the hair salon 50 minutes before the wedding, I had no time to ask them to fix it.) Maybe that was part of it too. I put my make up on in the car. I had to get dressed in 2 minutes to run back out the door to go to the wedding and the stress certainly weighed on me. I thought having my hair done would be wonderful. I thought I would love it. I did not since it was not what I asked for and let's face it, my make up was thrown on in the car. I take more time for my make-up before I go to work!
I am certain that there is not an answer here. This is more just venting and trying to figure out what I am doing wrong or maybe just accepting the truth about me. I don't know. I guess ultimately, I am just tired of wondering and worrying about it.
Monday, September 22, 2014
How do you handle a dress and a broken heart?
How do you handle something when your heart is a little broken? Hear me out on this...
I have a dress that I was dying to wear to an event in two weeks. I mean dying to wear. I felt beautiful and wonderful in it. From the moment I saw it on-line I knew that I wanted to wear it. I found it at a local boutique. I even made a trip out there with my BFF to get it which is something I have never done before and is out of my comfort zone. I even went downtown. That NEVER happens. Let's go back 16 years when I was 22 and wedding dress shopping for my wedding gown. I ended up in tears because my mother made a big deal to the sales lady about how fat I was and I would lose weight before the wedding so I should get the dress a size smaller. It was an awful scene. I should have walked out of the dressing room and never gone shopping with her again. I have never felt thin, but I felt ugly and fat every day since that day. Not the mention the fact that a woman dreams about her wedding day from the day she learns about weddings as a child. Every woman views it as her day to be beautiful and admired. I felt frumpy, ugly, fat and unlovable. I felt big and lumbering. Brides are supposed to glide. I feel like I was so big I was stomping down to stand next to my hubby.
Back to present day...as it turns out, due to the need to be practical so I can endure the situation at this event, I will not be able to wear this dress for the event in which I bought it. My hubby and I never have the need to get dressed up so this dress is pretty much a waste of money now. It is not the money, though, that is killing me now. I am honestly broken hearted over not being able to wear it. There is about 0% chance that I will ever have an event where I will be able to wear it so what do I do? Do I keep it? Do I sell it? Having it in the house hurts because it is constant reminder of how excited I was to wear it. (That is the same reason I threw out my wedding dress. It hurt too much to see it and I am size 8 in formal wear now so putting it on was a joke!) Then again, I love the dress so much that I hate to get rid of it. Reason would say to keep it because maybe my daughter might wear it some day, but I cannot explain how I feel about that except to say that it was my dress and I could not accept her wearing it when I never got to as much as I love her.
I know it sounds so stupid to feel this way over a dress. I really do. I guess I just never had that moment where I really felt beautiful when I was dressed up in this fancy dress. I never plan to get married again so this was it for me. By the time it is time for that again, I will be in the mother-of-the-bride dress and this type of thing will be completely inappropriate. I would never do that to my son or daughter.
It is the dress and the plans I had too. I was going to get my hair done while they did my daughters. I even thought about getting my make-up done too with false eyelashes just for fun. Not now.
What do I do? Do I keep it even though it is a constant source of pain or do I get rid of it which will hurt me too? I am so confused.
I have a dress that I was dying to wear to an event in two weeks. I mean dying to wear. I felt beautiful and wonderful in it. From the moment I saw it on-line I knew that I wanted to wear it. I found it at a local boutique. I even made a trip out there with my BFF to get it which is something I have never done before and is out of my comfort zone. I even went downtown. That NEVER happens. Let's go back 16 years when I was 22 and wedding dress shopping for my wedding gown. I ended up in tears because my mother made a big deal to the sales lady about how fat I was and I would lose weight before the wedding so I should get the dress a size smaller. It was an awful scene. I should have walked out of the dressing room and never gone shopping with her again. I have never felt thin, but I felt ugly and fat every day since that day. Not the mention the fact that a woman dreams about her wedding day from the day she learns about weddings as a child. Every woman views it as her day to be beautiful and admired. I felt frumpy, ugly, fat and unlovable. I felt big and lumbering. Brides are supposed to glide. I feel like I was so big I was stomping down to stand next to my hubby.
Back to present day...as it turns out, due to the need to be practical so I can endure the situation at this event, I will not be able to wear this dress for the event in which I bought it. My hubby and I never have the need to get dressed up so this dress is pretty much a waste of money now. It is not the money, though, that is killing me now. I am honestly broken hearted over not being able to wear it. There is about 0% chance that I will ever have an event where I will be able to wear it so what do I do? Do I keep it? Do I sell it? Having it in the house hurts because it is constant reminder of how excited I was to wear it. (That is the same reason I threw out my wedding dress. It hurt too much to see it and I am size 8 in formal wear now so putting it on was a joke!) Then again, I love the dress so much that I hate to get rid of it. Reason would say to keep it because maybe my daughter might wear it some day, but I cannot explain how I feel about that except to say that it was my dress and I could not accept her wearing it when I never got to as much as I love her.
I know it sounds so stupid to feel this way over a dress. I really do. I guess I just never had that moment where I really felt beautiful when I was dressed up in this fancy dress. I never plan to get married again so this was it for me. By the time it is time for that again, I will be in the mother-of-the-bride dress and this type of thing will be completely inappropriate. I would never do that to my son or daughter.
It is the dress and the plans I had too. I was going to get my hair done while they did my daughters. I even thought about getting my make-up done too with false eyelashes just for fun. Not now.
What do I do? Do I keep it even though it is a constant source of pain or do I get rid of it which will hurt me too? I am so confused.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Have to thank my hubby and update on peanut butter...
Still no period. I am on day 46 of this cycle. The good news is that I have had no bleeding in almost 4 weeks. The bad news is that I am fearful of the period I will get once it comes, but I am without bleeding now so I am not complaining. I got off the wagon for a while and had a semi-normal diet. I gave up peanut butter for a week and it sent me into a spiral of crappy food. Come Friday am, of course, I was in pain in my stomach. Tough lesson, but a good reminder as I went to stuff a blondie in my mouth this am. I walked a good 8 miles yesterday and will walk another 7 today. Tomorrow is a 10 mile run and a 3 mile walk. I just have to remember to take it one mile at a time and picture Fister running with me. That does help! After all, he is known to run 10 miles per day so tomorrow I can imagine he is running with me.
I have thanked a few different people this summer and a whole little league team, but I have not thanked the one person who probably deserves it more than anyone else, my husband. Goodness know that I am not the easiest person to live with. It is more than that. This summer was a difficult and wonderful summer. This summer I toed the line of craziness and depression as my running motivation waned. I had such anxiety running after the half marathon in May and that depressed me. My hubby had to deal with that. Then he had to deal with the on/off and ongoing bleeding that raged all spring and summer. With the bleeding came hormonal ups and downs that were tough for me to weather. My hubby also financed our crazy summer of baseball game after baseball game and trip after trip. It was a wonderful and amazing summer of fun at the beach and the lovely city of Philadelphia that I love! We made it to two Nationals' games also. We had trips to Williamsburg too. It was a lovely and incredibly fun summer. I have him to thank for that. The other thing that I really want to thank him for is for loving me in a way that has allowed me grow and figure out what was squashed inside of me so long ago. I have found that person who I held inside for so long. I had not seen her in so long that I forgot she existed, but she does. With that realization, I get to merge the two things I love about myself, the person who understands responsibility and never shies away from it and the person who just wants to have fun and enjoy living. I forgot how fun just living can be. I tried to kill myself when I was 23. That is one of my dirty little secrets. Yes, I had the full intent to die. That is something I can never imagine now. There is so much left for me to do and enjoy. Life itself is fun and I do not want to miss a thing. So thank you, Hubby, for bringing that back to me. I would not be here without you.
I have thanked a few different people this summer and a whole little league team, but I have not thanked the one person who probably deserves it more than anyone else, my husband. Goodness know that I am not the easiest person to live with. It is more than that. This summer was a difficult and wonderful summer. This summer I toed the line of craziness and depression as my running motivation waned. I had such anxiety running after the half marathon in May and that depressed me. My hubby had to deal with that. Then he had to deal with the on/off and ongoing bleeding that raged all spring and summer. With the bleeding came hormonal ups and downs that were tough for me to weather. My hubby also financed our crazy summer of baseball game after baseball game and trip after trip. It was a wonderful and amazing summer of fun at the beach and the lovely city of Philadelphia that I love! We made it to two Nationals' games also. We had trips to Williamsburg too. It was a lovely and incredibly fun summer. I have him to thank for that. The other thing that I really want to thank him for is for loving me in a way that has allowed me grow and figure out what was squashed inside of me so long ago. I have found that person who I held inside for so long. I had not seen her in so long that I forgot she existed, but she does. With that realization, I get to merge the two things I love about myself, the person who understands responsibility and never shies away from it and the person who just wants to have fun and enjoy living. I forgot how fun just living can be. I tried to kill myself when I was 23. That is one of my dirty little secrets. Yes, I had the full intent to die. That is something I can never imagine now. There is so much left for me to do and enjoy. Life itself is fun and I do not want to miss a thing. So thank you, Hubby, for bringing that back to me. I would not be here without you.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Feeling out of control
My eating has definitely been binge worthy lately. The only good thing is that I have not been purging. At this rate, the dress I got yesterday for my brother-in-law's wedding will never fit. I just cannot seem to stop. Part of it is that there is food everywhere. I need to stop and just cannot compel myself to do so. I hate the way that it makes me feel. That is the worst part of it.
I am terrified of getting fat and that is where those feelings lead me.
I am terrified of getting fat and that is where those feelings lead me.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Sugar and Spice and well, things not so nice
I am progesterone challenged. Estrogen, however, flows through me like the blood in my veins. There is a lot of research on food and estrogen so I took the anti-estrogenic challenge and sure enough, well, maybe my estrogen is no lower, but I know that my progesterone is higher. I have longer cycles and less bleeding in between those cycles. Those changes are of huge importance to me, but the other changes are of a high magnitude too. First, I rarely had zits growing up. During the periods of high estrogen when it was spinning out of control, I pretty much had a recurring zit all of the time. Every 3 weeks like clockwork, it would show up. Now, it is gone! My skin looks better than it did when I was 18 and it looked pretty good then. I have fewer wrinkles in general. My skin has that glow back. I retain water a whole lot less. I just feel better. I feel more stable emotionally speaking. The docs say that progesterone is the happy hormone. I needed it desperately. I truly believe, however, that is not just the hormones. I really believe that these sugars we just accept as additives to our foods were part of the problem for me. I am very careful now about added sugar. Yes, I still eat fruit and know full well how much sugar is in each bite, but I am speaking specifically about the added sugars. Almost everything including ketchup has sugar added in some form. I know most peanut butters do too, but I have been on no sugar peanut butter for years now. The sugary stuff is just too sweet now that I am used to just peanuts and a little salt. All of that sugar was messing with me. I occasionally have days where I have to revert back to sugary foods and the carb, flour laden food most of us eat (yes, I have given those up too for the most part) just from all of the traveling we have done this summer. When I do have to eat a "normal" diet, I feel bad again and have hormonal ups and downs, and my stomach hurts for days. Why the hell would I want to do that to myself when the simple answer is cut the added sugar and added grains. Let me be clear, I am not all Paleo. For me, those folks have it wrong too. I eat one slice of bread a day (100% whole grain with no sugar added) and then I eat meat, veggies, fruit and legumes. (The Paleo folks frown upon the legumes and slice of bread for sure!) Maybe I justify the legumes and bread slice because of the running, but I do know with the distance running, I need the carbs. It all works for me, and I like it. I feel amazing, and let's be real. That is a feeling I want for as many moments as I can get them for the rest of my life. So for any hormonally challenged women out there, seriously, rethink the added sugar foods and the flour added carbs. Yes, it is hard. I see my kids eating Goldfish and I desperately want one, but not bleeding all month like I was before and feeling great and looking great are all worth it most moments of temptations. Not all...I am not perfect, but I am doing pretty well! Last month's cycle was 23 days and I bled for 20 of them. This month, I am now on day 39 with no bleeding in 3 weeks. Yes, I know a 39 day cycle is not normal, but after bleeding so much over the last 2.5 years, it is a nice break that I welcome!
Not sure if it is the hormonal help or not, but I seem to have missed my normal end of summer depression this year. I know it is only August 30, but normally it has kicked in by now. Maybe we have been too busy and that is why or maybe the hormones helped or maybe I just have so many things to look forward to this fall and winter that I am ok with end of summer. We have definitely stayed busy, and I have baseball back. I will be sad when the season ends, but it really is such a short period of time from the end of the World Series until spring training starts and we have a lot going on in between so maybe it will not be so bad once the last game of the year closes.
I feel like I am finally coming into who I am supposed to be and find the things I am supposed to do. I just hate that it took me 38 years to get here. I know most adults do not find themselves until they are 30-something, but I feel like it has taken me so much longer than most. If I looked like this at 20 with the body I have now, I would have been dangerous. So much time wasted, but I am working on not wasting another second now. Life is too short to lament over lost time. I just want to live life now. Thankfully, I have a wonderful, brilliant and fantastic hubby to support me in that. I support him too in that way. For him, the sky is the limit. I just wish that he believed that all of the time too.
I wanted to thank a 20 something yesterday who made me feel like I was 20 and the only thing that mattered at that moment. For mothers my age, those moments are rare. It was nice to be noticed. I also want to thank a very kind, former professional baseball player who paid me a very nice compliment last night. I left last night's game feeling good and happy and very much in love with my husband. Hubby, I promise that we will figure it all out, how to break this vicious cycle. I think we have made a lot of progress as it is.
Hoping for post season tickets once the MLB season ends. My fingers are crossed! Go Nats!
Not sure if it is the hormonal help or not, but I seem to have missed my normal end of summer depression this year. I know it is only August 30, but normally it has kicked in by now. Maybe we have been too busy and that is why or maybe the hormones helped or maybe I just have so many things to look forward to this fall and winter that I am ok with end of summer. We have definitely stayed busy, and I have baseball back. I will be sad when the season ends, but it really is such a short period of time from the end of the World Series until spring training starts and we have a lot going on in between so maybe it will not be so bad once the last game of the year closes.
I feel like I am finally coming into who I am supposed to be and find the things I am supposed to do. I just hate that it took me 38 years to get here. I know most adults do not find themselves until they are 30-something, but I feel like it has taken me so much longer than most. If I looked like this at 20 with the body I have now, I would have been dangerous. So much time wasted, but I am working on not wasting another second now. Life is too short to lament over lost time. I just want to live life now. Thankfully, I have a wonderful, brilliant and fantastic hubby to support me in that. I support him too in that way. For him, the sky is the limit. I just wish that he believed that all of the time too.
I wanted to thank a 20 something yesterday who made me feel like I was 20 and the only thing that mattered at that moment. For mothers my age, those moments are rare. It was nice to be noticed. I also want to thank a very kind, former professional baseball player who paid me a very nice compliment last night. I left last night's game feeling good and happy and very much in love with my husband. Hubby, I promise that we will figure it all out, how to break this vicious cycle. I think we have made a lot of progress as it is.
Hoping for post season tickets once the MLB season ends. My fingers are crossed! Go Nats!
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