is that it goes on and on and on. Maybe more these days I am looking for a better version of myself. Whatever it may be, life is definitely changing. I finally admitted the truth to myself and to my hubby. It was by far one of the most liberating things I have ever done. It will sound silly to type it here, but it was something I would not have articulated before even if I knew it and scared the crap out of me. I love my husband. (It is not that.) The love I have for him is so strong that I would rather spend every day with him unhappy than to be without him because being without him is misery to me. It just would not be worth it. It is hard truth because it gives him power and forces me to rely on someone else for love and attention. It was so liberating to admit it to myself and to him. It was like a huge weight was lifted and with it, I could support him and not be afraid that supporting him meant that I was weak and gave him power over me. The truth is that he does have power over me just by the sheer fact that I love him. That is part of loving someone. You give up some power and become vulnerable to being hurt. I may get hurt by him at some point in the future (there is almost a 100% certainty that I will,) but I would rather hurt from loving him than from hiding the fact that I love him so much. These may seem simple, but these are all relatively new things to me. Again, quite liberating.
Another big change has happened. I have pretty gone on an anti estrogenic diet. It is Paleo with some legumes but no cashews or peanuts. I have up dairy ages ago so none for me there. I have lost 5 pounds already and feel a whole lot better. The running has suffered but I read that it takes 3-4 weeks for your body to adjust and I am still in that time frame and each week is getting better with the running. I started to have performance anxiety during runs and that started my issues. It gets better week to week. Tomorrow is a run day so I am hoping that trend continues. I have started some light cross fit too which I LOVE! It is a lot of fun. I have some new exercises that I have added into my daily routine that really work the legs. Anything to help the running. Physically I feel better than I have felt in 10 months. My rings fit again as I am no longer retaining water by the end of the day and I no longer obsess about food. That has been the biggest gift of this "diet!" It is true. Eating carbs and sugar makes you crave carbs and sugar. I no longer think about what I am going to eat and when I will allow myself to eat it. I have been a food addict for over 30 years and finally I feel a little less tied down by my compulsion to eat. THAT IS HUGE! I feel good and I feel like I look better. We will see where this takes me but it seems to have a positive effect on my hormonal issues too. I am still so early in as I am in the first cycle of eating like this, but so far so good it seems.
Summer Solstice is almost here. It is my favorite holiday!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Thank you, Phillies.
The little league 8-9 year old season for the Phillies ended last night in a heartbreaking loss to the Reds, a team they had already beaten twice this spring. It just goes to show you that winning 82% of your games means little when it comes to the playoffs for 8-9 year olds anyways.
I was team parent for the Phillies. When the coach emailed that he would need a record keeper and team parent, I was leery about volunteering. I am not an outgoing person. I talked to my boss about it who encouraged me to do it. I told my son that I might, and he went nuts. Before I knew it, I emailed the coach to let him know that I would volunteer. I was nervous. How would the parents judge me? How would the coaches judge me? Would I do a good job at it? Would I even like doing it? I loved it. I loved getting to know parents outside of my small circle at work and at home and at the gym. I loved the children. They were all sweet and kind, and I loved being around baseball again. The whole experience collectively, mine and watching my son's, has brought baseball back into my life. It has been a gift so thank you, Phillies. Thank you encouraging me to be brave. Thank you for encouraging me to step forward when my natural inclination was to sit back and watch. Thank you for making me get out there and go places that I would normally never have gone. Thank you for making me sit outside and unhook from the routine of my normal life for a while. Thank you for introducing me to wonderful people who I will remember for a long time. You ladies may only have been in my life for a season, but the impact of you will last much, much longer. Knowing you for that short period of time and spending only a few hours a week with you has made me a better mom and person and has given me a little more confidence that I did not have before. Thank you for making me laugh, making me want to cry at the tears of 8 and 9 year olds as they played their hearts out on a hot June evening, and making me appreciate my son's immaturity. That last statement may sound like a stab at him, and it so is not. He was the youngest on his team. Watching him this season made me appreciate how young he really is and how young 8 year olds are. They are still so innocent. He will grow up a lot in the next year, but for now, he is still a little boy, and I appreciate that about him again. I have learned a lot about other parents, my son, my daughter, my husband, and myself. I have learned that there are some really great, kind people out there, people who I feel happy to know even if it is only for a season so thank you, Phillies.
I was team parent for the Phillies. When the coach emailed that he would need a record keeper and team parent, I was leery about volunteering. I am not an outgoing person. I talked to my boss about it who encouraged me to do it. I told my son that I might, and he went nuts. Before I knew it, I emailed the coach to let him know that I would volunteer. I was nervous. How would the parents judge me? How would the coaches judge me? Would I do a good job at it? Would I even like doing it? I loved it. I loved getting to know parents outside of my small circle at work and at home and at the gym. I loved the children. They were all sweet and kind, and I loved being around baseball again. The whole experience collectively, mine and watching my son's, has brought baseball back into my life. It has been a gift so thank you, Phillies. Thank you encouraging me to be brave. Thank you for encouraging me to step forward when my natural inclination was to sit back and watch. Thank you for making me get out there and go places that I would normally never have gone. Thank you for making me sit outside and unhook from the routine of my normal life for a while. Thank you for introducing me to wonderful people who I will remember for a long time. You ladies may only have been in my life for a season, but the impact of you will last much, much longer. Knowing you for that short period of time and spending only a few hours a week with you has made me a better mom and person and has given me a little more confidence that I did not have before. Thank you for making me laugh, making me want to cry at the tears of 8 and 9 year olds as they played their hearts out on a hot June evening, and making me appreciate my son's immaturity. That last statement may sound like a stab at him, and it so is not. He was the youngest on his team. Watching him this season made me appreciate how young he really is and how young 8 year olds are. They are still so innocent. He will grow up a lot in the next year, but for now, he is still a little boy, and I appreciate that about him again. I have learned a lot about other parents, my son, my daughter, my husband, and myself. I have learned that there are some really great, kind people out there, people who I feel happy to know even if it is only for a season so thank you, Phillies.
Friday, May 30, 2014
What do I want?
Watching an episode of Dr. Phil. At the end of the exercise, he has each person go around and say what they want. It got me thinking about what I want. I am not talking about material things. I mean the things I really want. I want to be feel beautiful and amazing. I want to feel loved for being a woman and being me. I want to be able to show how deeply in love I am. I want my husband to be able to feel how much I love him. I want to be kinder to him. I want to be less like my mother. I want to keep my cool when my kids make me feel like a bad mother. (That is when I get pushed over the edge.) I want to help my daughter to stop yelling at everyone and losing her temper. I want to figure out how to make my son care more about having fun and not be so afraid. I am reading this book which is not very good, but lists the 8 aspects of your life and asks you to rate the stages of each. Mine would be as follows:
1. Career: Very satisfying. Would like less stress but that is the reality of my job so I work really hard to separate it from my personal life and not internalize everything which is hard.
2. Health: I run a lot, but I do not manage my eating disorder. I binge eat all of the time. I don't care of myself like I would like to and I am not happy with my body. I am thin but would like to be thinner and would like to eat better to help my hormonal issues because I believe it would.
3. Fun: I have fun a lot. I try to enjoy everything that I and insert excitement into my life regularly. I am serious when life requires it, but I know how to have fun. I am greedy for it. I wish my husband and I were able to have more fun alone.
4. Friends & Family: I love my children and enjoy being with them. I have a very close friend who I adore and admire. I wish that I could be closer to my parents and siblings but that is not able to happen due to the family dysfunction. There is nothing I change about the dysfunction and I will not tolerate it for my own mental health. I am realistic about my family and accept that I cannot change them and I have a stable but distant relationship with them which is the best I can hope for.
5. Physical Environment: I would like a cleaner house and I would like to finish my bathroom.
6. Personal Growth: I tend to put my needs aside for others and then hold it against them with some. I am working on that. Therapy has been a big help.
7. Money: I do not care for material things so the money is fine. I work so money is not an issue.
8. Significant Other: My hubby and I are working on ourselves which helps us work on our relationship. It is a constant work in progress.
So the next step is to figure out which items you need to work on first and what steps to do for those.
I would pick 2 and 8 and maybe 5....
Let's tackle the easier one first.
5. I need to make a timeline for removing the rest of the wall paper from that bathroom and then pick a color and make a timeline for painting it. The summer is not a good time for any of those activities because I prefer to be outside so I need to make a timeline that is realistic for that desire. I need to make a timeline that gives me plenty of time to get the removal done since it frustrates me and I often need a break.
2. This number definitely influences number 8 so perhaps this one is more important than any of the other items at the moment. I need to actively work on fighting my compulsion to eat. How do I do that? I try to stay busy but that does not keep me from walking by a jar of peanut butter and taking a scoop out. I need to get out of that habit and it is a habit. I need to do something else when I have the inclination to eat but am not hungry. I need to think about why I am eating when I am eating and not hungry and think about what emotions I am feeling. To help the hormones, I am trying to go low glycemic but there is a lot of fat in those foods so I do not know what to do. The way I feel about my body has a large impact on my relationship with my hubby. If I feel good about myself then I am not trying to pick myself apart and fit my feelings about myself into my relationship with my hubby which leads me to number 8. I have this script in my mind that my hubby does not love me and is not attracted to me and he simply settled for me in marrying me and being with me. I constantly look for things or situations in our daily lives to match that script. Those things are reality to me. Why do I do that? I hate it. It makes me miserable and makes him miserable and makes him feel bad about things that are either not that important or things that happened a long time ago. So what do I need to do for #8? I need to work on my health so that part is better. I need to actively stop myself from looking for things to match the script in my head, and I need to stop bringing up sins of the past. I would be horrified if he kept bringing up mine from the last 19 years. I often think how horrible it must be for him. Talk about awful, and I can be relentless...
So on to this week's goals:
1. Eat smart. I do have a half marathon tomorrow so I will eat a higher glycemic dinner than normal but I think that is allowed since I have to run 13 miles tomorrow. After today, low glycemic and low fat and no missing workouts. I need to be good to myself and take care of my body.
2. Stop bringing up sins of the past. They hurt, yes, but they happened a long time ago and if the pain is still that intense (it is sometimes) I need to really look at why and think about if I am feeling that pain just so I can fit it into my script or if it is real.
3. Be kind and relent more often. Talk with my hubby. Forgive. Not forgiving means bitterness and one of the things I hate most about my mother and I worry most about picking up from her is her bitterness. I NEVER want to be like that so let it go.
1. Career: Very satisfying. Would like less stress but that is the reality of my job so I work really hard to separate it from my personal life and not internalize everything which is hard.
2. Health: I run a lot, but I do not manage my eating disorder. I binge eat all of the time. I don't care of myself like I would like to and I am not happy with my body. I am thin but would like to be thinner and would like to eat better to help my hormonal issues because I believe it would.
3. Fun: I have fun a lot. I try to enjoy everything that I and insert excitement into my life regularly. I am serious when life requires it, but I know how to have fun. I am greedy for it. I wish my husband and I were able to have more fun alone.
4. Friends & Family: I love my children and enjoy being with them. I have a very close friend who I adore and admire. I wish that I could be closer to my parents and siblings but that is not able to happen due to the family dysfunction. There is nothing I change about the dysfunction and I will not tolerate it for my own mental health. I am realistic about my family and accept that I cannot change them and I have a stable but distant relationship with them which is the best I can hope for.
5. Physical Environment: I would like a cleaner house and I would like to finish my bathroom.
6. Personal Growth: I tend to put my needs aside for others and then hold it against them with some. I am working on that. Therapy has been a big help.
7. Money: I do not care for material things so the money is fine. I work so money is not an issue.
8. Significant Other: My hubby and I are working on ourselves which helps us work on our relationship. It is a constant work in progress.
So the next step is to figure out which items you need to work on first and what steps to do for those.
I would pick 2 and 8 and maybe 5....
Let's tackle the easier one first.
5. I need to make a timeline for removing the rest of the wall paper from that bathroom and then pick a color and make a timeline for painting it. The summer is not a good time for any of those activities because I prefer to be outside so I need to make a timeline that is realistic for that desire. I need to make a timeline that gives me plenty of time to get the removal done since it frustrates me and I often need a break.
2. This number definitely influences number 8 so perhaps this one is more important than any of the other items at the moment. I need to actively work on fighting my compulsion to eat. How do I do that? I try to stay busy but that does not keep me from walking by a jar of peanut butter and taking a scoop out. I need to get out of that habit and it is a habit. I need to do something else when I have the inclination to eat but am not hungry. I need to think about why I am eating when I am eating and not hungry and think about what emotions I am feeling. To help the hormones, I am trying to go low glycemic but there is a lot of fat in those foods so I do not know what to do. The way I feel about my body has a large impact on my relationship with my hubby. If I feel good about myself then I am not trying to pick myself apart and fit my feelings about myself into my relationship with my hubby which leads me to number 8. I have this script in my mind that my hubby does not love me and is not attracted to me and he simply settled for me in marrying me and being with me. I constantly look for things or situations in our daily lives to match that script. Those things are reality to me. Why do I do that? I hate it. It makes me miserable and makes him miserable and makes him feel bad about things that are either not that important or things that happened a long time ago. So what do I need to do for #8? I need to work on my health so that part is better. I need to actively stop myself from looking for things to match the script in my head, and I need to stop bringing up sins of the past. I would be horrified if he kept bringing up mine from the last 19 years. I often think how horrible it must be for him. Talk about awful, and I can be relentless...
So on to this week's goals:
1. Eat smart. I do have a half marathon tomorrow so I will eat a higher glycemic dinner than normal but I think that is allowed since I have to run 13 miles tomorrow. After today, low glycemic and low fat and no missing workouts. I need to be good to myself and take care of my body.
2. Stop bringing up sins of the past. They hurt, yes, but they happened a long time ago and if the pain is still that intense (it is sometimes) I need to really look at why and think about if I am feeling that pain just so I can fit it into my script or if it is real.
3. Be kind and relent more often. Talk with my hubby. Forgive. Not forgiving means bitterness and one of the things I hate most about my mother and I worry most about picking up from her is her bitterness. I NEVER want to be like that so let it go.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Pretty Scary
I am getting ready to embark on a completely different way of eating. It is pretty scary. The question always is with my eating disorder, can I stick with it? Can I keep it up? I have two very large motivators to keeping up with it. One is hormonal, and the other is weight management. Honestly, the hormonal part is a larger motivator than anything else right now. I also have a feeling that once I get the hormonal part fixed, some of the weight management part will manage itself. Maybe not, but research indicates some of that. I have a week until my half marathon this year. I am so not ready. It makes me nervous. The most I am really ready for is maybe 10-11 miles. That last 5k might do me in. My BFF says that walking is fine if we need to, but I really hate to do that to her.
We are in our last 2-3 weeks of my son's baseball. I am going to miss it. It will be nice not to have to run around town 3 days a week, but it has been great to be outside so much and to watch baseball games and to be around other adults at the game. There are a lot of nice parents there.
Emotionally, I am feeling ok. I am not happy with my body. That is not helping. It has been a rough week for the hubby and I. We are very out of sync and it is not looking favorable to get back in sync. He thinks that physical connections will help that. I need the emotional connection to even think about the physical stuff. Men tend to go down the wrong path. I do not get it!
We are in our last 2-3 weeks of my son's baseball. I am going to miss it. It will be nice not to have to run around town 3 days a week, but it has been great to be outside so much and to watch baseball games and to be around other adults at the game. There are a lot of nice parents there.
Emotionally, I am feeling ok. I am not happy with my body. That is not helping. It has been a rough week for the hubby and I. We are very out of sync and it is not looking favorable to get back in sync. He thinks that physical connections will help that. I need the emotional connection to even think about the physical stuff. Men tend to go down the wrong path. I do not get it!
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Madness
I feel like every time my life spins out of control that I am two steps away from the flip side of my eating disorder. Yes, part of me would like to lose a few pounds, but that side of the spectrum scares me. I do not want to lose my hair. I was blessed with great hair. It is my only physical gift. I do not want to ever lose it. when the disorder and chaos hit, though, I do not want food. Normal stress sends me to my food addiction and stress eating. The madness and chaos send me to the other side. Peanut butter, my favorite food, has no appeal today. I have to run tomorrow so I will need to eat something at some point. The good news is that this phase is usually quick. Then I go back to stress eating. Joy.
Do you ever wonder why things turn out the way that they do? I wonder from time to time why I was saved when I tried to kill myself . That does not mean that I want to die now. Quite the opposite actually. I fear death. I have so much left to do, but I do wonder if there was a reason I was saved. I think that is normal. Perhaps it makes me look for a purpose to life other than just doing the things that I want to do. I do not know.
Do you ever wonder why things turn out the way that they do? I wonder from time to time why I was saved when I tried to kill myself . That does not mean that I want to die now. Quite the opposite actually. I fear death. I have so much left to do, but I do wonder if there was a reason I was saved. I think that is normal. Perhaps it makes me look for a purpose to life other than just doing the things that I want to do. I do not know.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Love
Why do we love those around us? I do not mean our kids or friends. I am talking more about our spouses and partners. Why do we pick those people? I understand that there is the whole idea of attractiveness, but what we find attractive definitely varies over time, and the reality is that beauty fades so what is it that makes us love someone else? Is it some kind of chemical reaction that goes on in our brain? Is it some sort of survival instinct? Sometimes I wonder....
My battle with food addiction is not going well today. The last few weeks have been better than most, but today has been bad. I blame it on my period and stress at work. I am hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day. Ok, there is some blame on a bad lunch due to the fact that I forgot that I was almost out of almond milk and let me assure you that puffed kamut and very little almond milk DO NOT go together well. Speaking of almond milk, this excluding dairy thing seems to be helping a bit with the hormones. Maybe it is just luck or just a better cycle, but so far so good. I actually ovulated this month which is a huge relief! Maybe, just maybe, my hormones are getting better. If that is the case then maybe this summer will not be so brutal. Brutal that is with the bleeding. My feelings about my body still plague me. Will I ever be satisfied with the way I look? I often wonder.
Last time I went to therapy I wanted to talk about my issues and feelings of competence at work. That did not happen. We got side tracked on some family issues. I need to talk to her about my feelings about work. I keep meaning to make an appt to go back but it never seems to happen--that or calling the dentist. I need to do that too. Baseball is taking up most of our weeks, but I am not complaining about that. I still love it. I realized that we only have 8 regular season games left and I know that I will be sad once it is over.
My battle with food addiction is not going well today. The last few weeks have been better than most, but today has been bad. I blame it on my period and stress at work. I am hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day. Ok, there is some blame on a bad lunch due to the fact that I forgot that I was almost out of almond milk and let me assure you that puffed kamut and very little almond milk DO NOT go together well. Speaking of almond milk, this excluding dairy thing seems to be helping a bit with the hormones. Maybe it is just luck or just a better cycle, but so far so good. I actually ovulated this month which is a huge relief! Maybe, just maybe, my hormones are getting better. If that is the case then maybe this summer will not be so brutal. Brutal that is with the bleeding. My feelings about my body still plague me. Will I ever be satisfied with the way I look? I often wonder.
Last time I went to therapy I wanted to talk about my issues and feelings of competence at work. That did not happen. We got side tracked on some family issues. I need to talk to her about my feelings about work. I keep meaning to make an appt to go back but it never seems to happen--that or calling the dentist. I need to do that too. Baseball is taking up most of our weeks, but I am not complaining about that. I still love it. I realized that we only have 8 regular season games left and I know that I will be sad once it is over.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Sun
Where is the sun? I wish it would come out. I need the sun and the warmth. Warm days have been overcast and sunny days have been cold. Not winning!
I did sign up for a 5k/10k race in late April. I cannot wait. It excites me a good deal which is great for the running. It helps. I am losing weight too which is a good thing. Consistency is key and fortunately, I have been able to maintain that. I am looking forward to more days running outside as the temperatures continue to creep up.
My panic attacks left for about two months. I thought that they were gone for good and left as quickly as they came. They arrived back like crazy the other night. I had 6 over the course of a night and worse yet, they kept waking me up. I have had several since. I am hoping they stop sooner rather than later. These daily attacks are exhausting.
This year has brought me back to baseball which I love. My son is playing and I love being out there with him and just watching. It is wonderful. I forgot how much I love baseball. It has been a gift to have it back. I am hoping this weekend's games are not canceled. Hopefully!
So I talked to my mother the other night and realized how desperate her need for drama is. It is how she keeps control. She tried to guilt me into thinking that my brother was upset with me for something silly. I did feel guilt when she made a big deal out of it, but then realized the following day that what she said was her need for comfort and not how he really feels. She needed to control the situation and the easiest way for her to do that was to inject some negativity between my brother and I. When I realized, I was mad. I have wonderful siblings and it is that poison that keeps me from getting close to them. They are still too tied to her. It honestly makes me sad. Very sad.
I did sign up for a 5k/10k race in late April. I cannot wait. It excites me a good deal which is great for the running. It helps. I am losing weight too which is a good thing. Consistency is key and fortunately, I have been able to maintain that. I am looking forward to more days running outside as the temperatures continue to creep up.
My panic attacks left for about two months. I thought that they were gone for good and left as quickly as they came. They arrived back like crazy the other night. I had 6 over the course of a night and worse yet, they kept waking me up. I have had several since. I am hoping they stop sooner rather than later. These daily attacks are exhausting.
This year has brought me back to baseball which I love. My son is playing and I love being out there with him and just watching. It is wonderful. I forgot how much I love baseball. It has been a gift to have it back. I am hoping this weekend's games are not canceled. Hopefully!
So I talked to my mother the other night and realized how desperate her need for drama is. It is how she keeps control. She tried to guilt me into thinking that my brother was upset with me for something silly. I did feel guilt when she made a big deal out of it, but then realized the following day that what she said was her need for comfort and not how he really feels. She needed to control the situation and the easiest way for her to do that was to inject some negativity between my brother and I. When I realized, I was mad. I have wonderful siblings and it is that poison that keeps me from getting close to them. They are still too tied to her. It honestly makes me sad. Very sad.
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