How do I deal with these feelings?

tell me, how do I deal with them?  I am just having trouble making sense of them.  I want a do-over of my 20's.  Yes, I know everyone does, but I really want it. I made so many mistakes and regret so many things now.  I want to go back and do it all over.  Things would be so different.  I would be so different.  I would not be so damned afraid.  The irony being that this is what Lucy was afraid of that I would regret so much, but the truth is that her attempt to protect me from this regret helped caused it.  Self fulfilling prophecy.  How true that really becomes.  I want to go back and change almost everything.  Why can't I go back?  I would take care of myself and not worry so much about my mother or sister or father or anyone else.  I would work in a different place and be a different person, the person I am not.  The truth of the matter is that I have spent the last few months trying to act like I love the person I used to be and trying to protect her, but I hate her.  Do I feel sorry for her, yes, but I hate her too.  She did this to me.  She is the reason I have so many hang ups now and am so afraid.  I hate her.  She had so much potential because how much potential is there in youth?  So, so much.  I hate her.  She gave up so much for others.  Makes me so mad at her now.

Not feeling it.

Not like me but I could not make it through my am workout.  That and I did not work out yesterday.  Physically I am great today, but my mind just could not go there.  I have a lot of mental feedback rolling around in my mind right now that is not pretty and does not feel good.  I just could not get through the fog of it today which blows because I do have a half in 4 weeks.  Normally I would be so jazzed for it, but today, I just want to get through today and onto tomorrow and onto next week.  Why do I feel so blah? 
1. This weather.  I cannot take it anymore.  It is not just the lack of warmth this spring.  It is the constant clouds.  Am I likely vitamin D deficient?  Probably.  I need sun.  Everyone laughs that I like it hot so they tease me that I like July on Mercury the best out of all of the months.  True, but it is more than just the warm weather.  It is the sun.  I could probably make it through the cooler spring if it were sunny but it is not sunny at all this spring.  It depresses me in a period where I should start feeling more alive.
2.  Physically some things have to change.  My diet cannot stay where it is.  It is causing too much physical distress.  I know this on a daily basis, but I cannot control it. Damn food addiction.  I would like to go to diet soda drinking when I get the cravings, but soda increases the likelihood of panic attacks.  I don't know what to do with that.
3.  The out of control food addiction these days just makes me feel bad about myself.  It becomes a vicious cycle.  I get bored because we are not able to be outside so much so I eat more and then have issues with the food addiction which not only adds physical distress but it makes me feel bad about how I look so I get further depressed.  It is bad when you actually consider asking your hubby to put your peanut butter on your toast in the am because you cannot control yourself making breakfast!!!
4.  I had some major revelations last week at therapy.  A lot of it was not pretty for me.  Sure in therapy you learn your feelings are normal because they are how you feel and there is usually a good reason why you feel that way rooted somewhere in your past and/or psyche, but those feelings make me feel like a bad person.  They certainly do not serve my family or my primary relationship well.  Ultimately, they do not serve me well either.  I can be a very destructive person and I know that, but knowing that does not make that inclination any better, does it?
So what do I resolve to do today? 
1.  Work on a plan for the food.  I do much better when I follow a plan.  I am good at planning so that is a good goal today.
2.  Get my tail outside in the afternoon when it is supposed to be a little sunny.  Even if I work in the garden for 10 minutes, that is 10 minutes in the sun.   My mother-in-law bought me some geraniums.  I need to get some dirt today and plant them.
3.  Get an exercise plan together for the week. See #1.
4.  Give myself 10-15 minutes to cry today alone to blow off some stress and the heartbreak and the worry.  We are getting a cat today.  It is the cheapest exterminator I can find.  I am tired of mice in the house and it has become a bit problem for us.  Every time I find a half eaten clif bar, I get very angry.  I am ready for that to end.  Hopefully this cat will not bring drama.  That is the last thing we need in this house. 

Finally did it!

Today should be a great day.  I should feel awesome, but I am feeling pretty ill physically.  Anyways, my 10k time over which I stressed so much this year was well below what I had hoped.  First, I finally got it under an hour.  Second, I wanted it under 57 minutes.  I killed that.  I was 54 minutes and 45 seconds.  Yep, I did that.  I guess my long runs and speed work has finally paid off. 
Through therapy, I am starting to really see what a crappy person I am.  Who cares what the reasons are behind the kind of person I am.  I am still not a good person or a good wife.  I feel like my life is totally spinning out of control.  I always thought I was a good person and a good wife.  Not so much.  I have to wonder, really wonder, why my husband loves me.  How can he?  I always wondered why he wanted to be with me.  Now I wonder even more.  Who would blame him for leaving or cheating on a control freak, insecure bully who is bitter all of the time.  What is lovable about that person?  Just more and more I feel alone.  I am feeling more confused than ever about everything. 
I thought therapy was supposed to make me feel better.  It only makes me feel worse and more confused and more alone and just increases my desire to run far, far away.  I guess the big benefit is that now I know I can do it a lot faster. 

Another day where I just ran because I wanted to run and run and just keep going so I could run away

I sit here trying to figure out if something is really wrong with me or if this issue is external.  The honest truth is that I do not have the physical, mental and emotional strength to think about it.  I just don't anymore.  I am emotionally worn out.  I think the only reason I got an 8 mile run in this am was because I needed to blow off some stress.  I was glad that I got the run in yesterday after failing miserably yesterday and cutting my 10k run down to 3 miles.  Yuck. 
I am emotionally wrung out.  I just feel like I have nothing left to give anyone today.  I just want everyone to leave me alone and have that be it.  Not that easy, right.  Sometimes I wish it were.   I was thinking about where I would run today.  Believe it or not, I imagined north towards Maine.  Since I hate the cold go figure.  I just thought that it was likely beautiful there this time of year.  It is clear to me that I need some time away from everyone to just relax and think and just be alone.  I am not afraid of being alone.  There is some comfort in it actually.  Maybe it is the easier choice and that is why.  I don't know.  Like I said, I don't have the strength to think about it today.
I started taking a multivitamin again.  I started getting blood blisters beneath my skin in random places.  It is a sign of anemia.  I thought maybe my exhaustion lately had something to do with that too.  I know from my diet calculator that I do not get enough iron.  Hopefully this will help.  It just kills my stomach....
Let me try to reset today.

What a day

Yesterday was brutal.  I mean brutal.  I love my mother-in-law and father-in-law, but the whole day was brutal.  My brother-in-law is depressed and that was apparent.  It is tough to be around most of the day too.  I want so badly for him to get some help and start making different choices.  My hubby has lost a father and now his brother.  I have very little communication with my own family so I know the loss hurts even when you know that a relationship is not really realistic. 
Today I did 11 miles in my 139 min on the treadmill.  That was the most I have ever been able to go in the 139 minutes allowed on each session of the treadmill.  The farthest I had gone prior was 10.4 miles.  I was fast enough to hit 11 today.  Just goes to show you that tempo runs do work.  I will continue to do them.  I came in 3rd in my age group in the race I did last weekend.  I am pretty proud of that.  My time was 26:46.  That is the fastest I have ever done a 5k.  I am glad that I did that race.  It gave me a lot of confidence and I was able to talk myself and therefore run through a very difficult period.  Doing the shorter race was a good idea to help build that confidence for me.  Smart move.  When I wanted to walk, I only had a little over a mile to go so I could mentally talk myself through it at that point.  With less than 10 minutes to run (eve if I was going super slow which I was not) I knew I could do it and I did.  I think I can tackle the 10k in under an hour finally and I really do believe that I can do the Aug half in under 2 hours.  I really do. 
I ate like crap yesterday, of course.  I am paying for it today.  My stomach is not happy.  I took a pro-biotic hoping that will calm things down a bit.  We will see.  Not doing that again any time soon.  That is the other part of the problem with going to my in-laws.  Not many healthy choices.  I end up eating not good for you food and food that I am not used to eating either.  Not a good combo. 
Getting warmer which just puts me in a better mood.  The sun is shining and temps are supposed to be 70 day.  I can deal with that!

A note to my boss

You will never know about the gift that you gave me.  I am lucky.  I have several people in my life who literally saved me.  Each person gave me a special piece of the ability to be the person I always wanted to be and continue to help me along that path even now.  You are always so bashful and humble so I would never be able to tell these things face to face but this has been on my mind lately so I wanted to write it out.  The gift you gave me...pretty amazing.  The gift was not the job you offered to me over 13 years ago nor is it the career advancement you have provided throughout those 13 years.  You gave me a job and then gave me the confidence to try to live up to my potential or the potential you saw in me.  Maybe that was the gift that you gave me.  You put a mirror in front of me every day and constantly showed me that I could do whatever you asked or needed.  You showed me that those abilities were there along with the confidence to know that I could handle stress and the daily challenges of helping to run a television station and a business.  You gave me the confidence to know that I could grow as a person and become anything that I wanted to be.  Talk about a gift.  Without it, I am not sure that I would have made it through this life so in reality, you also given me a sense of purpose or at the very least, a future.  You have said before that people do not understand our relationship because it looks weird to outsiders.  I agree.  I am fiercely loyal because you gave me the gift of confidence in my abilities and my ability to grow as a person.  I will always be forever grateful...more than I can ever say. 
I am who I am thanks to a handful of very wonderful and special people.  You are one of them.  Thank you.

Already eaten too much crap

First Happy Easter.  I know it is a religious holiday for some and a Christmas like holiday for others.  For me, it is both.  I do not go to church, but I say a different type of prayer on Easter and feel more connected to the earth and life.  Maybe that is more of a naturalistic/universe type thing, but in my mind, we have the world we have because of God.  Easter always brings hope to me, hope after a long hard winter, and this winter was especially hard weather-wise.  I do feel like spring is on its way.  I look forward to the day in the next few weeks when I sit in the backyard and watch the pollen blow between the trees. 
I feel ill.  Crappy, sugary food no longer agrees with me.  I was so ready for it today and wanted it so badly, but now that I have had it, it does not taste like I remember and frankly, I do not want to feel like this any more ever again.  The candy will go and what sits here, I will not touch.  It just not enjoyable any more.  What I find enjoyable is seeing 132 on the scale and running a 26:44 5k which I did yesterday.  I am really proud of that.  I know it is not super fast or anything, but for me, it is an accomplishment.  I never thought I would get a 5k in under 27 minutes.  I did it.  I finally did it.  Next year under 26....maybe.  I am in the best shape of my life and want to get better. 
Life has taken a more interesting turn over the last few days.  I don't know.  It has been weird.  I love my husband and honestly for now, that is all that matters to me.  Sure I want him to adore me and tell me how much he wants me and feel that he finds me attractive and sexy.  What woman does not, but I am trying (and succeeding for the moment) to just make his love enough because I really do believe that he loves me.  I really do.
Spring is kind of the New Year for me.  It is always my re-birth, I feel.  (And I am trying to ignore the upper 50 degree days later this week....)  60 days from tomorrow I have a half marathon.  This summer I have another half and I want to go under 2 hours for it, and this fall I have a full marathon.  There are things I want to do this summer.  Goals that I want to hit and in order to do that, I have to eat right and take care of my body and lose these last 7 pounds and sleep and not stress and just love my family and friends.  I feel ready for those challenges more now than ever.  I love being 37.  Wow, ok, I hate the age and I hate the wrinkles (although my face is getting lasered Mon) but I love the freedom that comes with being 30 something.  I am finally after years and years of feeling terrible and not feeling good and hating myself and doubting everything that I know to be true, I feel like I am finding who I am and being the person I want to be.  She used to be so far away, but now I can see her in the distance.  She is still a ways away, but she is no longer so far away that I cannot hope to catch up.  I keep getting faster and that helps....