Confused

Confusion has set in about so many things in the last 24 hours...serious confusion.  Nothing seems right or straight in my mind right now.  First of all, I am getting really tired of folks telling me that I should be happy that I finished the half marathon and that my time was decent.  That was NOT THE RACE I WANTED to run.  I am tired of hearing it.  I am not happy, and I will not be happy with that time.  I am sore today.  That depresses me.  Why am I sore?  I have run for 2 hours many, many times.  Why was this time different?  I feel like my body is failing me again.  That confuses me.  I want more than anything to do a half marathon again to get a better time, but I am afraid.  What if it is worse?  What if it is cold that day?  I did this weekend's race in the rain.  That was bad enough and unfriendly enough.  What if I sign up to do the next half in the area and it is cold and rainy?  How do I deal with this disappointment? 
I am confused about my family and the anger that I has been brought out by this latest situation with their drama.  I am so angry with my mother that I want to scream, just scream at her.  The worst part of all of this is that I feel so alone right now.  It's just me trying to figure it all out, and I am not sure what to do. 

Leaned a lesson today

The rain hit this am.  As I mentioned yesterday, cosmically speaking, something did not want me to run.  I did anyways.  I did not hit my 2 hours, but I am happy because I did not walk at all and I kept under a 10 minute mile pace.  I think I was somewhere around 2:07:00.  We will see later when they post times.  I am happy and proud.  I learned a good deal on my run today.  It is almost life changing.  This am I had two women, two wonderful, beautiful women, fussing over me and stressed still that I was in the bathroom line when the race started.  Two women who got up at 5a to meet me at my house so we could go run.  That is true love and friendship.  I have that.  I have that.  I had 6 amazing individuals waiting for me at the finish line.  I had those two amazing women.  I had my hubby who loves me unconditionally and I adore.  I have two beautiful kids who looked so proud when I finished.  I have an amazing friend in our NSM who rode all the way in the rain on his bike to see me and then had to ride home in the pouring rain.  I am a lucky woman.  Today's lesson was that I have been searching for years for love and acceptance.  It was waiting for me as I finished running 13.1 miles.  It was there.  Just waiting for me.  To my wonderful friends and family there, I can never begin to thank you enough.  You are an amazing and spectacular group of individuals.  You made me feel like I won that race today.  Or maybe that even bigger race that I have been running for the last 20 years of my life.  I love you.  Thank you. 

Mixed mess of things

I am running a half marathon tomorrow and as I am going to pick up my packet, I get a call from my sister.  My mother is in the hospital.  My sister just got out of the hospital.  My oldest niece just got taken to a children's hospital for head trauma.  No, I am not writing a bad country song.  All of the above is true.  I think what disappoints me the most is that my mother has not said one word to my sister or I about her hospitalization.  We had to find out from my brother and not willingly, might I mention.  I understand that my mother has problems.  I get that.  I do, but I expect better of my brother in that he should not help to perpetuate her issues.  Fortunately, my mother is on her way home now and my sister seems to be ok.  We are just waiting on word for my niece now.  All of this and I am sick.  Yes, somehow after 3 months of training and long runs every weekend, I managed to get a head cold the weekend of my half marathon. Did I also mention that I have my period too.  I just want to say that it rained on my wedding day.  I was cool with it.  I just smiled and moved on as it poured and thundered and lightning lit up the sky, but do I really have to get sick on one of the biggest weekends of my year?  Seriously?  What is up with that.  I could deal with the joke of the rain on my wedding day.   I am not dealing well with the joke of the illness.  Do I really need one more thing to deal with?  Part of me thinks all of this is some colossal joke at my expense.  Half marathon so hey, let's make Tiffy get her period. Tiffy has that, but she has run long runs through that before, so she feels good.  Well, that did not knock her down so let's get Tiffy sick.  Tiffy is sick, but it does not have her too down.  She figures that there are worse things to run through and the cold does not seem too bad.  She will take some cold medicine in the am and move on, and ok, maybe now she will not hit her 2 hour goal, but she is sick so she gives herself a little break.  Well, what?  She is moving on.  We have to give her more.  Let's put her sister coming out of a hospital from a weird and gross (sorry, sis, it is gross) infection, her mother coming home from the hospital for something that she will not completely identify.  Oh, and let's have her teenage niece get on a moped, hit a wall and end up with head trauma.  Maybe that will do it.  This is the joke of my life.  I cannot help but wonder, "Maybe I am not supposed to run this race."  Is that what the cosmic world is telling me?  I mean I feel like after the rain on my wedding, maybe I have a little right to be bitter....
Here is the deal:  I am going to run what I can.  I have worked my butt off to train for this race and loved most of those minutes and hated with passion many other minutes during that time, but I DID IT.  I am hoping that this stress will work to my advantage.  I will have some nervous energy to work out.  Plus, everyone who runs longer distances knows that the longer distances enable you to work things out in your mind.  It almost becomes a mediation of sorts.  At least it is that way for me.  I need that time tomorrow so I am glad that I have it so I may figure out what to do.  This drama gives me a purpose for running.  I just hope and pray that I can keep the adrenaline in check at least for the first half...fingers crossed.  I need to think "fun, fun, fun" and just smile and run.  So I guess that is moral of the story.   Cosmic world, the joke is on you.

Slow down, slow down, slow down

This is what I tell myself.  I need to slow myself down in general but it is my advice for this 13.1 miles I will run on Sat.  I know I will take off too fast so I have tried to put music on my iPod to start that will slow me down.  I need the inspirational stuff later.  The early stuff just needs to be slow so I can keep a good effective and maintainable pace going.  I do everything too fast.  I spend a good deal of my time rushing through life and to what end.  For the next thing to rush through?  Crazy.  I am trying to focus on enjoying this half marathon.  I am trying to focus on enjoying running the race because ultimately I run because I enjoy it!  I am trying to let go of the pressure of that 2 hours looming over me and just focus on how much I love to run and enjoying the run.  Running....for me it is a rush.  Not a constant rush.  Rather the rush comes in waves.  I find that I hit it about 1 hour in and then again at the end of a long run.  Of course I feel the rush all over again when I see my time or my pace or even the distance that I have gone.  I feel the rush again when my husband mentions to me how toned I have become and how firm my legs are getting.  Me, Tiffany, the chick who never ran the mile in school at all.  The girl who when forced to "run" the mile would walk most of it.  I think maybe once in high school I did a 13:40 miles on a "run."  I remember the other Tiffany in my glass.  First of all, she was beautiful.  Second, she ran like a deer.  It was even pretty watching her run.  I remember wanting to be like that.  Hoping one day it would just come.  It never did then, but I have found it in my 30's.  I may not be run pretty, but I run farther and faster than I ever imagined I would.  I took that half marathon off my New Year's resolution this year because I never thought I would do it, but here I am.  Two days away, it is.  I will finish.  That I know.  More than finishing in 2 hours (and I REALLY WANT TO FINISH IN 2 HOURS) I want to enjoy it.  I want to enjoy the moments of it.  When we would drive down a nearby road on a Friday night after dinner in the winter, I would fantasize about running down that same road on an early summer am.  Here is the culmination of all of those early summer am's that I so long for every winter.  Saturday is that day, and I am ready to run it, but am I ready to allow myself to enjoy it?  After it will I feel a sense of loss that it is over?  Perhaps which is why I am already planning my next half.  Who knows for the girl who never ran the mile, maybe there is a full marathon in my future.  Maybe I can even do that.  I am still afraid of not finishing in under 2 hours, but I want to let go of the fear of being afraid of that fear, and just run...

Cannot stop eating

I cannot stop eating and it is not the half training.  It is PMS, but it is not too big of a surprise considering how few periods I have had this summer.  Hopefully once I am through this PMS, I can manage to control myself.  The good news is that I think my period will hit tomorrow so the flooding will not be going on during the half.  At least I hope...
I have a lot of nervous energy over this half.  The stress over "will I finish in under 2 hours" is almost unbearable.  I just want it so bad.  I have worked so hard.  Everyone keeps saying that finishing a half marathon is impressive enough.  Not for me.  Not this time.  I know I will finish, but will I finish in under 2 hours?  That question will be answered in 2 days.  Fortunately work is taking on a lot of my nervous energy.  I am having trouble falling asleep which is not like me at all. 
I am already thinking about the next challenge.  I want to do a 10k in October.  I want to do that in under 55 minutes.  I know I can do that.  Then I am thinking maybe a full marathon?  Am I insane?  Maybe next fall?  I feel ready for that kind of challenge.  Crazy as it sounds.  The issue for me is time.  Do I have it to spare?

Why are folks so miserable?

I totally understand that the economy is in the crapper and yes, my life in so many ways is a charmed one.  I have a husband who loves me and who I adore, two wonderful kids, a great job, a fabulous staff and a nice house, but my life has not been easy.  I have a lot of deep seeded trust issues that affect my relationships on a daily basis, but I choose to be happy.  Why do folks choose to be miserable?  Why?  Why would you want to wake up every day and hate your life?  Why not make the best of your situation?  We all have things that plague us and overwhelm us at times.  I understand that, but take a day to swim in it and then go from there and make changes or a small change for the better.  Everywhere I look people are miserable and want to make others miserable too because misery loves company.  So sad....so so sad....

My issue that plagues me is my half marathon.  I am going through all of the what ifs.  If I don't hit under 2 hours, I will be crushed.  Have I trained enough.  Have my miles been right in my training.  I really have no idea.  I hope they are close.  I just worry. What if I miss that 2 hour mark.  It will be so disappointing.

It is magic!

The beach is magic.  It is.  I would rather be there than any other place in the world.  The smells are wonderful, the sounds are wonderful and the scenery is wonderful.  The vacation that the kids and the hubby and I had there this year was magic.  It was perfect.  Obviously, it was not completely perfect.  It rained our last night there when we wanted to get bikes and ride during sunset, but it was almost perfect.  I love being there.  I grew up there, but I never had an appreciation for the gift of living there.  I love running there.  It does not feel great with the hot sun beating down on you as you run with no shade to hide, but in some ways, it is the best thing in the world.  I miss it.  It has been less than a week and I miss it horribly, almost painfully.  I want to go back and do it all over again.  It was amazing.  All of it.  It calls to me in so many ways.  When I fantasize, I imagine the sun beating down on me and the sweat rolling down my back.  I imagine the water close by and the smell of ocean.  I want to be there again.  Now.
I ran 4 miles today and for the first time ever I think, it felt like nothing.  I know that is the benefit of running further distances and all, but I just never thought it would happen to me.  It felt great.  I am getting nervous about the half.  It is next weekend and I worry that maybe I have not trained enough or maybe it will be super hot that am and I will feel bad while running and totally just lose all energy as I am running.  I worry that I will not eat the right food before the race.  Most of all...I worry that I will not hit my 2 hour time limit.  I want to hit that more than anything.  I missed my 1 hour cut off when I did the 10k in April.  I missed it by seconds.  It is so important to me that I hit under 2 hours.  What if I do not?  What then?  How will I feel?  I will be so disappointed.  I guess these days I am not so afraid that I cannot run it, but I am afraid that I will miss my time and let myself down.  I have worked so hard, but is it hard enough?  8 days until I know for sure.  Nervous.