Regrets

So this past week, the hubby and I went back to the college where we met.  I love and hate going back there.  I have such fond memories of the time we spent there together, but I also see so many regrets staring me in the face.   Now I get that if I changed any one small thing in college then my life could and would be dramatically different now.  I totally get the concept of the butterfly effect, but I cannot help but see regret everywhere.  Would I change my present life?  Never so why do those regrets bother me so much?  I wish I knew.  I guess I just feel like at every turn during that time, the adults in my life let me down.  I get that ultimately I am responsible for my life but the whole concept of "self determination" that our college claims it encourages, well, let's just say that based on some of their other policies, it is clear that they only believe in self-determination when it is convenient for them. 
Anyway, this blog is not about the school but about me and what I learned as I walked through the campus.  I saw those regrets.  I have felt them before.  They make me sad for that person I was.  She was so sad and pitiful.  Fortunately she had an amazing guy just following her around and letting her do her thing and just loving her.  That was the lucky part.  I am a lucky woman for that and I know it.  So what did I take away this week?  That life is full of regrets and the crazy thing is that you can continue to live that way...gathering more and more of them along the way.  Most of us do.  So the lesson, for me at least, is no more regrets or at least as few as possible.  Why shouldn't I live my life to the fullest now?  Why shouldn't I do the things that I really want to do and take it as far as I possibly can and why shouldn't I work every day to be the person I want to be?  I did not do that back in college.  Frankly, I had no clue who I wanted to be.  I just wanted to survive back then and survive I did.  I am still here and present.  The difference is that surviving and getting by is no longer enough.  I want to live.  So what did I do yesterday?  I road a roller coaster by myself that I never thought I would even ride again.  It scared the crap out of me, but I truly believe that it is not the fear that immobilizes us.  It is what we do with that fear.  I have a lot of responsibilities.  I have a house, two small kids, and a job, but I can still have a fun life and do the things that I want to do to live life and not just get by. 
So what does that mean today?  I means that I run a half marathon in a few weeks.  I am ready.  It means that I do an 8 mile trail run in two months and I feel ready for it.  After all, all I have is time.  I plan to be here anyways, right?  So I may as well do the things I want to do and make sure that I do not have regret staring me in the face 10 years from now.

Pumpkin season

Here I am in pumpkin season and I thought I had only one pumpkin.  I had to take care of that myself.  Pumpkin sex.  Really it is not that different from people sex.  Anyways, nope, I found another last night, and it is bigger than the female I helped along.  Two pumpkins which is good since I have two kids.  Ok, I am hoping for more pumpkins, but at this point, I will take what I can get.
That illness I had really wore me down.  I had no idea until I got better exactly how sick I was before.  I did not run my full 14 on Sunday.  I just could not.  My body was shutting down and it was extraordinarily humid.  Now I have run in humid weather before, but never that sick.  I listened to my body for once and stopped after 7.2 and walked the rest of the way home which was still going there directly 3 miles!  So on to 14 this Sunday.  I am ready.  It will be a good one.  My BFF and I killed it today on our 4 miles.  Our first 2 miles we did in 17 minutes.  I was pretty happy with that.  I feel ready for the half marathon.  Honestly, I cannot help but be a little proud of how my husband describes the results of these runs.  I will take it and I will happily take those comments coming from him.  Sometimes it is the motivation I need when I want to stop in the middle of a run.  Whatever helps.  Maybe my BFF and I were inspired by the new Ryan Hall commercial.  He runs like he is floating.  It looks effortless.  I feel like a rhino running.  Sure it is purposeful but it is also lumbering.  That is how I feel I run.  I am down to 131's pretty regularly.  3 more pounds.  I cannot believe that I wrote that.  It is amazing what long distances will do to your weight and muscles.  Just amazing.  I love it!  So today, I am thankful for the ability to run and the ability to run longer distances, something I never thought I would be able to do! 

Tiffy V 2.0 and once again have to thank Lucy

The run today was brutal.  It is hard to tell exactly how far I went, but I suspect that it was somewhere around 14.  The nike plus put me at 15.2.  I know that was not right.   Either way, I ran for 2 hours and 1 minute which is plenty when it is 85 degrees at 6 in the am.  It was ok until the sun peeked out.  That made it a bit rougher.  Thank goodness for water.  I did a new trail today.  It was interesting.  I did not feel like dropping water off last night so I just did a loop 4 times.  Kind of boring, but since I will not be familiar with the race trail come race day, it was probably a good idea to change it up.  I am glad I did it as intimidated by the thought of it as I was yesterday.  I was thinking a lot about the things I am changing in my life these days.  I am running 25-30 miles a week right now.  I am also painting our bedroom.  It is a very sunny color.  Our bedroom is going to go from a drab grey to a very sunny, lemon yellow.  Talk about a change.  We are also going out and doing more as a family.  We have been to a local water park twice and a local amusement park once in the last 10 days.  We are starting to really live life which is good for the hubby and I and good for the kids too.  Too many days spent worry about how the day will go or what will happen when we get home or which kid will have a fit or if I will be tired the next day.  The crazy thing is that the more I do, the more energetic I feel and the more I want to do in general.  I have to thank Lucy for a lot of this.  Two pivotal conversations with her, the one where she said that she used to have so much joy and then the other where she said that she hated her life, changed my life for the better.  I was always afraid or worried about 10 steps ahead.  I still worry and I still get afraid, but I do not let it stop me which is why on Wednesday, we went to an amusement park after I ran almost 8 miles with my BFF and the I came home and took down wall paper and why today I was able to get through 2 hours in the heat.  I was terrified of running that far in this heat, but I did it. In my new favorite song, there is a line that says, "we will live life til we're dead."  I realized that I stopped living life somewhere in my late teens.  Fortunately, how you live life is a choice so here I am back living it again in my 30's.  That is the joy of being 30-something.  I can do what I want and have to answer to few...so maybe aging is not too bad after all! 

Very hot...Great!

First of all, I never complain about the heat.  I am from the south and I like it hot.  I hate the cold.  For some reason, I was given extreme heat tolerance but no cold tolerance at all.  Go figure.  That being said, tomorrow's run scares me a bit.  The low tonight is going to be almost 80.   It is going to be hot as I run 14 miles tomorrow.  That is a little intimidating.  I have to do it because on race day, it could be 80 and I want to be ready but the truth is, it is a little intimidating.  I mean, I know that I can do it, but mentally, it is tripping me up a bit.  I figure it cannot be worse than last week when one of my waters on my trail disappeared. 
After skipping a cycle due to what I believe was the increased mileage, I finally got my period.  The worst part is the bloating.  It has been horrible. I am on 3 days of it now. I gained from it 4 pounds in less than a week.  I keep waiting for at least some of the 4 pounds to fall off.  Not so far and it really sucks because I was down to 131.  I had a pretty scary experience on Thursday am as I got out of the shower. I remember being in the shower and thinking that I felt dizzy and needed to get out.  The next thing I knew, I was on my hands and knees on the floor and forehead tapped the floor because it fell over like I had fallen asleep in class or something.  I was seemingly ok for the rest of the day but that experience made me realize that I have not been taking care of myself the way I should.  I have been eating a lot of empty type calories which is something I was not doing for a while.  I was really taking care of myself before.  I have struggled with my iron intake--that I know from my nutrition app.  Sweet Frog twice a week was not doing me any favors.  I ran almost 8 miles on Wed with my BFF, went to an amusement park and then took down wall paper when we got home.  So maybe the heat from being at the park, lack of iron, flooding from my period, and just being a maniac all day took its toll on me.  One thing for sure, I am paying more attention to my nutrition now and I have started back on the vitamins to make sure that I hit my iron consumption each day.  It is important now as I am running 30 miles a week. 
I have been thinking a lot about this over the last few days.  Why is it that we can appreciate someone's charm and personality when we are not trying to date them, but if we were looking at them in a dating kind of way, we would totally be turned off from them?  Hear me out on this...I know this kid who is in his early 20's and he is just adorable. He is kind of awkward and goofy in a 22/23 year old way.  He is not very physically attractive, but he is outgoing and funny and talks a lot.  Now I think he is adorable, but let's say that my other BFF who just got divorced were to meet a gentleman like that and were to go out on a date with him.  Chances are that I would tell her to run for the hills.  Why is that?  Why do we admire those qualities in someone who is not a perspective boyfriend/spouse but when it comes to dating, that person would be off the list?  Would this kid make a great boyfriend or hubby?  Most definitely.  He would kind, considerate, funny, and a lot of fun.  I am still trying to figure this one out.  The kid is too young for her, but it just got me thinking as she has started dating. 

Are there no true heroes left?

I saw this am that Lance Armstrong is being accused of doping.  Now I have no clue if he did or not, but the state of our athletes is so disappointing.  I think it speaks of the issues our society is facing as we take a sharp turn downhill.  Why are athletes willing to do anything and everything to get an edge?  Do they doubt their own physical abilities that much these days?  And if they are, why?  What has made them so insecure and fearful?  I cannot help but ask these questions of myself not in relation to sports.  After all, I am simply a recreational runner at best, but more in relation to my own life.  Why do I doubt myself so much?  Why am I so insecure?  I was told growing up that in a million different ways that I was not competent or good enough to make my own decision.  Yes, that is what you do when you control someone's life.  You make them afraid of the world.  I am afraid of the world.  But why now, even at 36 with all of the professional and personal accomplishments that I have had do I still feel so insecure and worry so much?  Why do I still not think I am worth it or that my best is good enough.  Are the patterns set so early for all of us?  Is that the trick and once they are set, there is no undoing?  What does that mean for me as a mother and how do I undo all of the mistakes I have already made at a mother?  Likewise, how do I repair my relationship with my husband so that I don't retreat when I feel hurt or threatened.  I would rather boldly charge through life not worrying about how others perceived me and knowing that I am making the right decision.  Do we all fear judgment that much? 
With the Olympics approaching, I am hoping that none of our athletes are doping.  This is the first year that my children are old enough to understand what the Olympics are all about and to maybe be able to root for Team USA.  I want it to be pure.  I want my son or daughter to see the marathoners or gymnasts and think, "Wow, I know I can do that one day.  I would like to try.  Let's go!"  My world was pulled in and made smaller.  I want to make their world bigger because the world is HUGE and filled with a million opportunities and you never get a second chance to be 20 or 25 again.  I know that I will never get a second chance to be 36 again and one more day spent being hurt is just silly when I think about it that way.  Let's be young and wild and free...

Magic hour

Most people feel that sunset is the Magic Hour.  I beg to differ.  I think it is sunrise.  It is my favorite time of the day and that comes from a former and recovered night owl.  There is nothing more wonderful than watching the light come up and the world wake up.  The sun is often purple or red.  It goes through so many shades before it ends up it beautiful yellow.  I love the color yellow.  It is happy and reminds me of all things good and wonderful.  I am dying to get going on painting our bedroom a very deep and bright yellow.  The hubby may hate it, but I am going with it.  I want a hot, sexy, and fun color for the room we spend out nights in.  I think we deserve it.  Speaking of changing the bedroom, I am getting new sheets and a new comforter.  I am not going too girly.  I want more fun and bright with some sexiness thrown in.  The hubby and I have been through a lot over the last few years.  Lord, we have been through a lot since we met 17 years ago.  It is time for us to take our happiness and fun and surround ourselves in it.  I am hoping that he and I are entering a new phase of understanding about each other and our marriage.  The last few years have been some of the most wonderful and also some of the most tumultuous.  I do believe that we love each other quite a bit, but something holds him back from digging all in and something holds me back from believing the depth of his love.  I keep hoping that maybe we can bridge that gap.  I am hoping that now is the time so I want to surround us in happiness and fun.  We only have another 60-70 years together.   We need to live it up because in the scheme of things, that really is not a long time. 
My poor daughter is very ill.  She is so hardy that it is very tough for me to watch her be this sick.  She will not allow me to leave her side and that is not like my Miss Independent there.  She goes in and out of sleep quite a bit.  I am hoping that the sleep will help her to recover.  She woke up and told me, "Mommy, that is a pretty dress."  I am wearing a tank top and yoga pants.  Her dreams must be working overtime right now.  Poor thing.  I hope she is better soon.
Tomorrow I will see the magic hour again as I row at the gym.  What a breathtaking sight it is.  102 tomorrow, but the summer is worth it. 

Never know where life is going

My run Sunday was an interesting one.  I shaved almost 7 minutes off of my half marathon time.  I went from 2:05:20 to 1:58:20.  I am pretty happy with the time.  The only problem was that I almost quit 3 miles in.  My mind was not in it at all.  My body was great.  It was the total reverse of the previous week.  I got through it and took about an hour to get my head straight.  Once I got it straight, though, I enjoyed the rest of the run.  Too bad it took half the run to get there.  I ditched my gatorade 3 miles in since I always feel it is mentally weighing me down and I did not need anything else weighing me down at that point. 
I realized this weekend that I hate Kate Upton.  Sorry, but it is not for the reason most people think.  Believe it or not but at 36, I have a better body than she does.  I take care of myself  and workout quite a bit and have a figure most women in their early twenties want.  She does not work out and really all she has going for her is large boobs which by the way if she does not start putting those babies in a bra, she is going to be me at 34 and in serious need of a full anchor lift.  My chest was much like hers at that age.  Large and saggy.  It only gets worse as gravity and age take effect and I can tell by the way her chest is already hanging (and trust me, it is,) she has the same saggy skin gene I do.  Poor girl.  She has the $ for a full anchor lift, at least!  Anyways, why do I hate Kate Upton?  She is comfortable in her own skin.  I am not.  Now part of that is age.  After 30, we are strongly encouraged to lock it up and throw away the key regardless as to how fabulous our bodies are.  But there is part of it that is just me.  I am not that carefree.  I care too much about what others think and how they will judge me.  That even extends to my hubby of 13 years.  Kate, she could care less.  Now I get that that lack of care is not altogether smart either.  She does come off as silly from time to time, but I think about how fun it would be to let that insecurity go and just be whoever it is I want to be.  As I realized why I hated her, I changed the focus a bit and thought maybe I could more admire her than hate someone I do not even know.  After all, that might feel a bit better to me.  I am working on it.  Well, that and letting go of that care about judgment...at the very least when it comes to my hubby.  If I cannot trust him, who can I trust?  That is the funny thing about trust.  We never completely give it to someone, do we.  We are always afraid of judgment in some form from anyone and everyone.  How sad is that?
The weather Sunday is going to be a scorcher.  I only have a half marathon ahead of me, thankfully.  Hopefully my body and mind will be in sync and on the good end this time.  I hope I can beat the heat.  That is my biggest worry.  I keep hoping for a cool down.  Either way, I need to get used to running in the heat.  August in our state is hot and humid even in the am, but I feel ready even two months away to run this half.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I set a big goal and achieved it.  It is a good feeling and it will be a great feeling to finish that race.