Two day later I sit here and watch my son who is in first grade, my son who made me a mother and is the sweetest child in the world. I sit here and know that 20 mothers a few states away are grieving for loss of their first grade children. I do not know how to process it. I just cannot fathom how you move on in the face of this kind of tragedy. How do you get up and get dressed. How do you face the world? I sit here and think about 20 mothers I do not even know and think about how scared their children were in that moment. I do not understand. When my son is afraid, he wants me. Keep in mind that my husband outweighs me by a good 80 pounds and is 7 inches taller than I am and most assuredly much stronger, but my son wants me as if I can protect him in a way that his father cannot. In the last moments of those children, who did they want and who did they think of immediately. I know it was their moms. That thought just tears me to shreds. I do not understand why he did what he did. We are all searching for understanding and I am not sure that understanding will ever come. How can one ever truly understand hurting a child?
A report this am was talking about one of the teachers who told her students to shut themselves in their cubbies ad she distracted the shooter and was, as a result, killed. In her last moment of terror, she thought of her students. It is what we do for children. We do not shoot them. We protect and save and do whatever we can to help them. We do not hurt them. I am not sure that it will ever make sense. I pray for peace for those families, peace that I know cannot come this Christmas. I pray for those mothers I will never know.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Grief
Mothers all over the country are grieving today for those mothers who lost children yesterday. It is horrifying, and words will never truly express the grief and pain that is the result of yesterday's event. Every mother identifies with those mothers who lost children. I just cannot understand. The weight is too much to bear. I do not know how those mothers are getting through at this moment. I think it has to be lots of sedatives and Xanax. Children. Small children and a whole room full of them. My daughter is 5. My son is 7. I just do not understand. The grief is too much. I watch the reporter some of whom are main anchors on morning shows on major news networks, and they are visibly upset. It is just so sad. For all of my problems with my daughter and all of my worries about my son and the kind of mother I am by working, I still have both of them here with me. They sleep upstairs, and I am thankful for that.
This tragedy led my mother and I into a discussion that gave me another piece of the puzzle. My mother mentioned that many of these parents have bought holiday presents for those children. She said that after Paul died, at the next Christmas, she thought about the Christmas presents she would have bought for him, and after that she always hated Christmas and never found joy in it again. Paul died when my mother was 23. This December 25th will mark her 68th holiday. For 45 years she has hated Christmas and found no joy in it. She raised 3 kids during those 45 years. Why did we not deserve her joy at the holidays? How was it possible that a child who never really lived took so much from the 5 of us. How does that happen. Many would say that I never felt the pain of losing a child so I do not understand. That is true, but I have seen another way. I have friends who tragically lost a child. I see them and am amazed because they have grown in the last 7 years. They still live life and still live life for their kids. I am positive the feel the pain of their loss each and every day but they have pushed through and in essence unlike my mother, they did not die with their daughter. I am sure part of them died, but pieces have still lived and remained and moved on. My mother emotionally when Paul died. It is another piece of the puzzle for me. I try to hide emotions. I try to act unemotional even in times of great pain. That is not normal. I do not want to live in fear or wallow in loss, and I believe that is what happens when you hide or ignore emotions. It leads to bitterness and fear, and the constant comparison of what you have lost compared to others. It becomes a contest which is exhausting.
A guy on Fox News was interviewed on how to deal with the tragedy. He is a safety expert and he said that courage comes from the same place in the brain that fear does. How powerful is that?
This tragedy led my mother and I into a discussion that gave me another piece of the puzzle. My mother mentioned that many of these parents have bought holiday presents for those children. She said that after Paul died, at the next Christmas, she thought about the Christmas presents she would have bought for him, and after that she always hated Christmas and never found joy in it again. Paul died when my mother was 23. This December 25th will mark her 68th holiday. For 45 years she has hated Christmas and found no joy in it. She raised 3 kids during those 45 years. Why did we not deserve her joy at the holidays? How was it possible that a child who never really lived took so much from the 5 of us. How does that happen. Many would say that I never felt the pain of losing a child so I do not understand. That is true, but I have seen another way. I have friends who tragically lost a child. I see them and am amazed because they have grown in the last 7 years. They still live life and still live life for their kids. I am positive the feel the pain of their loss each and every day but they have pushed through and in essence unlike my mother, they did not die with their daughter. I am sure part of them died, but pieces have still lived and remained and moved on. My mother emotionally when Paul died. It is another piece of the puzzle for me. I try to hide emotions. I try to act unemotional even in times of great pain. That is not normal. I do not want to live in fear or wallow in loss, and I believe that is what happens when you hide or ignore emotions. It leads to bitterness and fear, and the constant comparison of what you have lost compared to others. It becomes a contest which is exhausting.
A guy on Fox News was interviewed on how to deal with the tragedy. He is a safety expert and he said that courage comes from the same place in the brain that fear does. How powerful is that?
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Mental
I know running is part mental and part physical but for me running is truly based on the mental part. I would say it is as high as 75-80%....maybe even more. I was great today. I was on fire. I am sore now and will be sore tomorrow too, but I do not care. It was worth it. I knew going into the first few miles that I was feeling it, and it would be a good run. I freaking ran to the mall and back. 14.5 miles. If I ran like this in races, I would kill it and beat every hope I have in running. When the mental is right, I can fight back any pain that hits. I can go and go and go despite pains. The only pain I listen to in that state is the IT band because I know that will affect the running long term, but I had no IT band pain today. Just calf tightness and muscle pains around the knees. I had fun today. I enjoyed it. I got excited clicking off each mile rather than thinking, "Oh God...how do I keep going?" That is what I think when I am fighting back the mental pain. None of that entered my mind today. I just kept going and going. I wish I had more days like this. I was happy that the fun in running today was back. It was stressful during the period that it left. I just wondered where it went and why I lost it and worried I would never get it back. I am so glad that I got it back. I feel ready to move into this next phase again, and I really want to move into this phase. I hope this run I did today propels me into that time when it is all about the running and all about eating to help the running and all about just enjoying the running. If I had been another mile from home today, I would have run it. This is good. In order to get to the next level, I need to master the half marathon without feeling dead tired after. I have to get to the next level. I signed up for the next level in Nov 2013. I downloaded Whitney Houston's "One Moment in Time." I love that it is on my playlist for running. It totally fits. As I listened to it running today, I imagined how it will feel to finish the marathon next Nov. Talk about being something more than I ever thought I could be. I never thought I would be a runner girl. I would have bet someone a million dollars that would never have happened. Here I am two halfs down and a half in June, a half in August, an 8 mile trail race in September and a full in November. I typically run about 20-30 miles a week. Who would ever think! I am considering a 35k trail race. I would love to work up to it. Trail racing is where it is at! It is the best feeling in the world. So fun and enjoyable and so much satisfaction from the difficulty factor of it, but the best part is that you get the difficulty factor while you are totally distracted so it never really occurs to you how difficult it really is. I just love it! You get a serious runner's high.
I feel like I am finally working on merging the person I am with the person I want to be. That is a major part of the next phase I want to move into. I want to be that woman. Sometimes it is tough to remember that particularly when I am stressed or unhappy or feel like the world is falling apart, but today I am in touch with her.
I feel like I am finally working on merging the person I am with the person I want to be. That is a major part of the next phase I want to move into. I want to be that woman. Sometimes it is tough to remember that particularly when I am stressed or unhappy or feel like the world is falling apart, but today I am in touch with her.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Messages from an overstressed working mom....
One down...329 to go. I have one major hurdle down yesterday thanks to Papa Neal. Only 329 more problems to resolve some of which are personal and some of which are professional. Seems like the problems just keep stacking up. I am always amazed at my ability to deal with more stress. I always think of myself as super stressed out and not sure what to do, but in reality, I deal with a lot of stress and have the gift of compartmentalization with so it does not completely affect my life every moment. Sure it comes in waves, but for the most part, I can ignore some. Thankfully.
I rowed this am. I have started a new series of jumping exercises to help strengthen the hips and thighs. So far so good. Yesterday's run with my BFF was faster than our normal pace and it felt pretty effortless. The funny thing about yesterday is that the temp was around 39/40 and it really did not bother me. I keep telling her that she is toughening me up! I am trying to ignore the numbers on the scale. As long as I am eating right which I feel like I am for the most part (Ok, I had a cupcake yesterday but it was our holiday party at work...) and working out well 6 days a week, I am happy and doing what I should be doing. It makes it hard to ignore the #'s on the scale not going down, but it is what it is. So I was a bit depressed yesterday. The Granny Smith apples I bought were on the sweeter side. I like them super tart. What the heck?
I am sitting here at 8:20am with the TV off. I have to say, it is so nice. The kids are entertained and the hubby is occupying himself with his iPod. The constant sound coming from the TV tends to make me crazy so it is a nice change to have it off in the am. Just peaceful. We tend to rely too much on the TV as most folks do. May sound weird coming from someone in TV, but it is true.
Tomorrow is a long run. I feel ready to tackle one again. I am always fearful of wimping out, but I am hopeful that I will not do so tomorrow. I just have to remember to keep on pushing. If the sun is out, I find that I do better so fingers crossed that today's clouds disperse. I am trying to stay in half marathon shape so the transition to full marathon training next fall goes well. I know that I have a lot of time, but I have a lot of pride in doing the long runs, and it is not pride of how others see me. It is very internal. It makes me happy.
I rowed this am. I have started a new series of jumping exercises to help strengthen the hips and thighs. So far so good. Yesterday's run with my BFF was faster than our normal pace and it felt pretty effortless. The funny thing about yesterday is that the temp was around 39/40 and it really did not bother me. I keep telling her that she is toughening me up! I am trying to ignore the numbers on the scale. As long as I am eating right which I feel like I am for the most part (Ok, I had a cupcake yesterday but it was our holiday party at work...) and working out well 6 days a week, I am happy and doing what I should be doing. It makes it hard to ignore the #'s on the scale not going down, but it is what it is. So I was a bit depressed yesterday. The Granny Smith apples I bought were on the sweeter side. I like them super tart. What the heck?
I am sitting here at 8:20am with the TV off. I have to say, it is so nice. The kids are entertained and the hubby is occupying himself with his iPod. The constant sound coming from the TV tends to make me crazy so it is a nice change to have it off in the am. Just peaceful. We tend to rely too much on the TV as most folks do. May sound weird coming from someone in TV, but it is true.
Tomorrow is a long run. I feel ready to tackle one again. I am always fearful of wimping out, but I am hopeful that I will not do so tomorrow. I just have to remember to keep on pushing. If the sun is out, I find that I do better so fingers crossed that today's clouds disperse. I am trying to stay in half marathon shape so the transition to full marathon training next fall goes well. I know that I have a lot of time, but I have a lot of pride in doing the long runs, and it is not pride of how others see me. It is very internal. It makes me happy.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Time is passing me by
Time is passing me by. I realized that today. I am losing time. I want back the years that I lost and I spend so much time worrying about them that I fail to see that in some way, I am wasting these years too. Do not get me wrong, I am definitely making progress, but I am not doing the things that I know I need to do to get where I want to be. Professionally, I am great. My job is ever changing which is fun in its own way and is very fulfilling. That means that the changes I want are personal. I taking small steps. Too small. I need to take much bigger steps if I want to make the progress that I want to make. I feel like in some ways I have missed that step or I am lacking the drive to take those bigger steps. Where is my drive. It seems like it is failing me in some ways. Where is my focus? I am so focused in some ways, but not in this regard. Something needs to change. I have a lot of soul searching to do. I need to figure out if I can really push myself. I wonder if I really can push like that? Why am I afraid and what am I afraid of? What is the fear? I do not want to be afraid. Fear is causing me to lose time, something I cannot afford to lose. Time...goes by so quickly....
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Did I really get another chance?
I cannot help but wonder some days if I got another chance at life and love. My life is totally different than it was before in almost every way. Yes, of course, there are the obvious ways that affect most people...I have kids and such but I mean more in the sense of who I am and what I want. I love running and I never wanted to run. I am completely and utterly in love with my husband and I never loved anyone because it was too hard and made you take too many chances that you could get hurt, but here I am running and loving. I never saw myself like this.
My drive is back. I wanted to run for an hour and 40 minutes, and I made it. I made it through some major issues too, but I did it. I was so tired after which tells me how out of shape I am, but I loved it. I was worried about an hour and 10 minutes in because it was not fun but the end of the run, I remembered, you go through phases. The longer you run the more phases you have where you lose the fun, but usually it returns...well, hopefully anyways and it did for me today. By an hour and 25 minutes, I got my groove back. I feel like the old me again. I think Friday's run helped as it felt so effortless. I love running. I missed enjoying it. I have a 15k mid January and a half in June, and I think it is some 49 weeks until the full marathon. Every now and then, I picture myself finishing the full and how wonderfully amazing that moment will feel. I thought I would never ever in a million years run a full...even when I signed up for the half. Never say never.
I was thinking today as my mind wandered while running that I should do more muscle building exercises for my legs. Then I started thinking about how that type of stuff is mostly for professional athletes and I am not a professional athlete. That is where my mind normally goes. Then I started thinking and questioning...so what. I am not a professional athlete or professional body builder, but does that really matter? No. All that matters is what I want to do running and exercise-wise. Jason, the ultimate PT, can fix the rest for me so why not. Just do it, right!
My drive is back. I wanted to run for an hour and 40 minutes, and I made it. I made it through some major issues too, but I did it. I was so tired after which tells me how out of shape I am, but I loved it. I was worried about an hour and 10 minutes in because it was not fun but the end of the run, I remembered, you go through phases. The longer you run the more phases you have where you lose the fun, but usually it returns...well, hopefully anyways and it did for me today. By an hour and 25 minutes, I got my groove back. I feel like the old me again. I think Friday's run helped as it felt so effortless. I love running. I missed enjoying it. I have a 15k mid January and a half in June, and I think it is some 49 weeks until the full marathon. Every now and then, I picture myself finishing the full and how wonderfully amazing that moment will feel. I thought I would never ever in a million years run a full...even when I signed up for the half. Never say never.
I was thinking today as my mind wandered while running that I should do more muscle building exercises for my legs. Then I started thinking about how that type of stuff is mostly for professional athletes and I am not a professional athlete. That is where my mind normally goes. Then I started thinking and questioning...so what. I am not a professional athlete or professional body builder, but does that really matter? No. All that matters is what I want to do running and exercise-wise. Jason, the ultimate PT, can fix the rest for me so why not. Just do it, right!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Effortless
I needed this run today. It was virtually effortless. Time flew by. I ran on a treadmill...too cold for me...with my BFF next to me. We talked the whole time. A 10k down and it was over before I knew it. It was the fastest hour of my life. We went slow so I know it was an easy run, but it felt like nothing. I needed that. Every run (even the ones on the treadmill) have felt so tough lately. I needed a run that felt simply effortless and it did. I hope that Sunday's run feels the same way! My mind needed this run. I am very thankful.
My rice krispy treat turkey looked good. Last year's looked better, but I think that was because I used twizzlers and those made the difference. All in all, though, I was pleased. The hubby's 10k went well yesterday. He finished in a little over 54 minutes. I was telling my BFF this am that it never ceases to amaze me how many people run 10k's faster than I do and how many of them are pretty out of shape. Never ceases to amaze me....
I am a bit jealous of his run from yesterday. Part of it was a trail run and I love trail runs!!! The hubby said that folks were complaining about it. They are crazy!!!
No Black Friday shopping for us. The crowds are too large for me. We do not really buy a lot anyways. The mall was packed today, though, from a combination of Black Friday and nice weather. It was beautiful! Tomorrow is supposed to be much colder. Winter is kicking in. I am not sure how many miles that will lead to me to do on Sunday. We will see how I feel. I would like to stick with 10, but maybe that is being too ambitious, but then again...I like to be ambitious. I am not wild about doing things small.
My rice krispy treat turkey looked good. Last year's looked better, but I think that was because I used twizzlers and those made the difference. All in all, though, I was pleased. The hubby's 10k went well yesterday. He finished in a little over 54 minutes. I was telling my BFF this am that it never ceases to amaze me how many people run 10k's faster than I do and how many of them are pretty out of shape. Never ceases to amaze me....
I am a bit jealous of his run from yesterday. Part of it was a trail run and I love trail runs!!! The hubby said that folks were complaining about it. They are crazy!!!
No Black Friday shopping for us. The crowds are too large for me. We do not really buy a lot anyways. The mall was packed today, though, from a combination of Black Friday and nice weather. It was beautiful! Tomorrow is supposed to be much colder. Winter is kicking in. I am not sure how many miles that will lead to me to do on Sunday. We will see how I feel. I would like to stick with 10, but maybe that is being too ambitious, but then again...I like to be ambitious. I am not wild about doing things small.
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