Grief

Mothers all over the country are grieving today for those mothers who lost children yesterday.  It is horrifying, and words will never truly express the grief and pain that is the result of yesterday's event.  Every mother identifies with those mothers who lost children.  I just cannot understand.  The weight is too much to bear.  I do not know how those mothers are getting through at this moment.  I think it has to be lots of sedatives and Xanax.  Children.  Small children and a whole room full of them.  My daughter is 5.  My son is 7.  I just do not understand.  The grief is too much.  I watch the reporter some of whom are main anchors on morning shows on major news networks, and they are visibly upset.  It is just so sad.  For all of my problems with my daughter and all of my worries about my son and the kind of mother I am by working, I still have both of them here with me.  They sleep upstairs, and I am thankful for that. 
This tragedy led my mother and I into a discussion that gave me another piece of the puzzle.  My mother mentioned that many of these parents have bought holiday presents for those children.  She said that after Paul died, at the next Christmas, she thought about the Christmas presents she would have bought for him, and after that she always hated Christmas and never found joy in it again.  Paul died when my mother was 23.  This December 25th will mark her 68th holiday.  For 45 years she has hated Christmas and found no joy in it.  She raised 3 kids during those 45 years.   Why did we not deserve her joy at the holidays?  How was it possible that a child who never really lived took so much from the 5 of us.  How does that happen.  Many would say that I never felt the pain of losing a child so I do not understand.  That is true, but I have seen another way.  I have friends who tragically lost a child.  I see them and am amazed because they have grown in the last 7 years.  They still live life and still live life for their kids.  I am positive the feel the pain of their loss each and every day but they have pushed through and in essence unlike my mother, they did not die with their daughter.  I am sure part of them died, but pieces have still lived and remained and moved on.  My mother emotionally when Paul died.  It is another piece of the puzzle for me.  I try to hide emotions.  I try to act unemotional even in times of great pain.  That is not normal.  I do not want to live in fear or wallow in loss, and I believe that is what happens when you hide or ignore emotions.  It leads to bitterness and fear, and the constant comparison of what you have lost compared to others.  It becomes a contest which is exhausting.
A guy on Fox News was interviewed on how to deal with the tragedy.  He is a safety expert and he said that courage comes from the same place in the brain that fear does.  How powerful is that?