This am

Got out of bed this am for my workout. I am glad that I did. It was a good one. My daughter and son ended up in our room. I just never went back to sleep after she woke everyone up at 3:30a so I was ready for the gym at 4:50a this am.
Funny thing happened when I was leaving. A dude was leaving with small towel wrapped very tightly around his waist. It was not very big and this was a large dude so it looked like a short skirt on a teenager. I could not help but wonder if he had anything on under that towel since it was clear that he had just showered. When he got into the car behind me, I was tempted to peek to see if anything was on underneath. (Yes, these are the thoughts that go through my head.) Then I could not help but wonder "Who does that?" (Meaning him not me.) Who trucks out of a gym with a small, thin towel on and nothing underneath. Strange.
I am not an am person. Hell, I don't even want to get out of bed, but there is just something about being awake when the sun rises. I get so jazzed to look out of the gym window and see the sun peaking up over the horizon. It just puts me in a better mood. Part of it is that I know it is warm outside. That helps immensely.
My hubby just came downstairs. I was reading his blog. He is very disappointed with a move at work. I feel sorry for him. My take is that if he is not happy (after he gives it some time, of course) then he needs to see if there is something else out there for him. I have no further career aspirations and honestly some days, being a stay-at-home mom is most appealing. Our lives are about his needs professionally. As long as the four of us are together and a move will be a positive thing for him professionally and also for the lives of my children, I will do it. He knows what he wants to do. I just need my family and a garden.
Yes, the garden. I love my garden. I am sure I will talk more in the coming months about it, but I am growing loads of vegetables including pumpkins (actually pumpkins are a berry so I don't think they qualify as a veggie.) I love growing pumpkins. I get so much satisfaction out of it. There is just something about growing a nice big pumpkin. I am growing jumbo ones this year. That will be interesting. I hope it is a good crop. My irises are up now too. They are gorgeous. How sad it is that I never realized until this year how wonderful they smell. They are so fragrant and not in a perfumey kind of way.
Got to get ready for work now...ugh! Do I have to go?

Finally found something to motivate me.

I am still not able to get my lazy tail out of bed in the am so I think I have found some incentive. My hubby and I have an agreement that if we don't work out 5 days a week then we have to put both kids to bed one night the next week. That is punishment enough for anyone, trust me. I think that will force me to get my tail out of bed in the am, but we will see. I just need to get back in the habit is all. The weekends are easy. It is so nice to get up at 6a and go for a long walk or short run while everyone else is still sleeping and the world is just waking up. It is so peaceful. The week is different because I have to get up so early, but I just need to do it.
Today is the anniversary of a tragic accident that touched my life. It changed me as a mom and woman. Good friends lost their two and a half year old child this day 5 years ago. It hit me this am that their daughter's birthday is 4 days after my daughter's birthday so my daughter is almost exactly the same age that their daughter was the day she died. I see my daughter with her impatience, intolerance of anything and everything, and her temper and am just thankful to have her. I thought about that a lot today. Especially today. We had to put my daughter in time out 2 times this am while getting read for school and work. It was maddening, but I am thankful to have her. I know my friends would trade with me in a heartbeat. I would not blame them. I loved their daughter. I miss her. I think of her a lot mostly while I run. Watching your friends bury their child is almost intolerable. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was pregnant with my son at the time. It changed me. I am very protective now--probably too much so, but it is what it is.
Today is also my husband's birthday. I forgot until about 10a today. That is just me. I am not so big on birthdays. He is a wonderful man. I love him very much. The last few months have been a re-awakening of our relationship. It has certainly changed a lot and for that, I am very grateful. He is generous, loving, a wonderful father, and so smart. Did I mention incredibly sexy too? One day when he was out shoveling snow this past winter, he walked back in the house, and I thought, "Damn, my husband is hot!" Anyways, Happy Birthday, Babe. I hope it is a good one. Here is to being 34. Hopefully you will not hit your 1/3 life crisis for years so you can live to be over 100. I want a good 75-80 years together. We are down almost 11 now so we are well on our way!

Hot! Hot! Hot!

I am not complaining. Please do not think that I am. I am just telling you that it is hot here, and of all of the luck, our AC upstairs is out. I was 82 up there last night. I was ok, but I felt bad for the kids. It is going to be 94 here today. The upstairs only got down to 77 overnight so Lord only knows how hot it will be up there by kids bedtime tonight.
I did get up this am to run. I ran about 1k and walked the rest. I am so out of shape already. It was so nice to be up and out early. It felt great. I am thankful for the warm weather for that alone. At least I can get up each am and run on Sat and Sun. Much preferable than going to the gym.
Dinner last night was nice. It was nice for my hubby and I to dine without the kids. I did not have to stop to tell someone to stop annoying her brother or remind someone to use inside voices. I ate a lot, though. I weigh 147.7 this am. I have decided that by my anniversary, I want to weigh 130. That gives me 15 weeks which I think is doable. My hubby was a bit weird yesterday. He was ok at dinner, but he was somewhat distant throughout the day. So much so that I wondered if I had done or said something during the previous evening. He claims that he was a bit tired and the kids were needy. I am not so sure. Sometimes I think that I make things too easy for him between us so he never has to work at anything. I just love him so much and want him to enjoy our marriage and family, but I get the concept of liking the chase. (I have lived off of that for the last 33 years. It is only recently that I realized that I have everything that I want and the grass is not greener, but that is a subject for another day.)
My cousin is on my mind. What awful thing lies within us? What is growing or living there that might kill us well before our time? I do not plan to live forever, but I don't want to die before 96. After all, I started my 1/3 life crisis at 32 so I have to live to be at least 96 now, right? What might cut my life short? What might take my husband away from me while we are still young? That reminds me. I need to schedule his physical....

It finally hit me and it took a fair amount of beer for it to happen.

I realized last night after two beers (you can laugh, but that will not change the fact that two beers is a lot for me) why I cannot motivate myself to hit the gym or run in general. I am simply trying to survive right now. Work is my issue. I just have to get through it, but trying to navigate it is causing me a lot of problems. I don't manage stress well. When I am stressed I need to run, but I feel less like it when I am stressed. Due to the beer I drank last night, I did not make it out to run this am, but I am not drinking beer again for a while and it will be 70 in the am tomorrow so I am getting up at 6a to run. I will still be back to cook breakfast for the family by 7:30a. Yes, I cook breakfast for the family every Sunday. I love it and would not change it. We definitely have our weekend routines. We go out to breakfast every Saturday and then I cook breakfast for the family every Sunday. That is my weekend. I enjoy it quite a bit. We typically hit Whole Foods after Sat breakfast. Other than that, our weekend is pretty much spend outside when it is warm. I live for warm days so we can be outside. I hate the cold. It could be 100 (and it almost will be tomorrow) and you will never hear me complain. Let it get below 60 and I am miserable. I tolerated child birth without drugs, but I cannot tolerate temps below 50 at all. Go figure.
I will say that wearing a halter top today is somewhat liberating and does give more incentive to keep working out. It definitely makes me want to eat a whole lot better. I know from reading Jillian Michael's Master Your Metabolism that food is nourishment and should be treated as such. (Her book changed my life and how we each completely.) Feeling sexy in a black halter top helps me to think more about that fact as I go to stuff chocolate in my mouth. It just helps.

Wow! What a downer the other day.

Still thinking about my cousin a lot, but I am out of the fog I was in the other day. I felt so blah in general. I seriously think it was hormonal. I had a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's "half baked" frozen yogurt on Wed and felt like a new woman. Yes, I ate the whole thing. I feel better now emotionally, but still was not able to get myself motivated much today. My daughter was in bed with us at 4:30a this am so no gym which bummed me out. I was ready to run. My goal is to get up and run tomorrow at 6a when first light hits. It is supposed to be warm so it should be a good run. Even if I have to walk some, I just want to get outside and exercise. My beer tonight is not going to help me lose the last 15 pounds, but I need a beer after the last few weeks of work. I might actually have another. (Rough at work--well, rough weeks at work.) I have a surprise for my husband tomorrow. He is going to be so jazzed. Honestly, I have been so jazzed about it since I found out about it on Tuesday. My hubby is bummed that we are not at the race tonight. We always go to the spring race. I am bummed too, but it is what it is. Hope Kyle Busch wins. Not jazzed that he is engaged, but I am married so I guess I need to get over it.
I don't understand why I am having such a tough time motivating myself to take better care of myself lately. I just feel so lazy. I need a shot of something. I don't know how or where I lost my motivation. I need to find it and get it back and keep it. I want to get into the best shape of my life. Isn't that the point of a one third life crisis after all?

Bad days

Do you ever have those days when you feel like things are spiraling out of control. For me it all stems from work right now. I am so overwhelmed that it is not even funny. Staff members out. Huge project going on. Vendor for that huge project not cooperating. Stuff keeps getting piled on more and more. I feel like I cannot breathe when I am at work. Just suffocating further and further. The worst part is that it completely affects my home life. I stopped working out which I need to do during this stretch. I finally got my lazy tail out of bed this am to work out, but I did not feel great after like I normally do. Some days I just want to call it all quits and become a stay-at-home mom, but the $ always gets me. Sure we could do it on one salary as a family, but while we do not live pretty extravagantly, we like to be able to buy stuff when we want to. I just hope it passes soon. My home life is amazing. My husband and I have totally reconnected like 20 year olds. It would be pretty sickening to my kids I imagine if they were old enough to get grossed out by their parents kissing and stuff. Maybe it is my one third life crisis that is helping us reconnect. It is just amazing, though, and I am so thankful for it. I started buying halter tops. Feel silly as a 34 year old wearing them initially. I also bought a halter top dress. It looks great, but would look better with less gravity has taken over and I nursed a kid breasts. Started seriously thinking about reconstruction and implants. Got to find the time. A two week recovery is standard. I have two small kids so I am not sure how likely that is. My mom would wonder about me too so I am not sure she would help us.
The worst, though. My cousin who I adore and think the world of was diagnosed with stomach cancer and melanoma. He is only 40. He is the second 40 or under who I know who has been diagnosed with serious cancer in the last 18 months. It scares the crap out of me. Why? I am 34. My husband is 33--just 5 days away from 34. It just reminds me that I may not be here forever. A co-worker died at 39 from cancer. Who has a one third life crisis at 13???? Am I a downer today or what.

Been over a year. A lot has changed. We have gone pretty much organic. I wish I had kept a blog about that change. I dropped 5 pounds from that alone. I credit Jillian Michael's Master Your Metabolism for our change in diet. I read it and it changed my life. I am loving the benefits. My periods are easier and shorter and I am much less hormonal. That enough is reason to keep with the organics. I am also off the pill which helped Jon and I decide it was time for permanent birth control. That deed is done and we are one third through the wait period before his first draw. Hopefully, he will be clean. My marriage is better than ever in EVERY way. My daughter is still a loon. I love her to bits, but Lordy, she can make you CRA-ZY. We get eachother, though. That helps now. My son is as sweet as ever. We are lucky to have him.
Here is my plan now...and yes, the one third life crisis continues and manages to get worse...
I am going to lose the last 13 pounds. I weigh about 143 now. If I get down to 130, I am gong to wear that bikini I finally bought and get breast implants. I cannot believe that I am contemplating that, BUT after nursing my son, my breasts are basically deflated. No one tells you that will happen, but it does so for those of you who plan to nurse, just know that after you will end up with sandwich bags that are totally deflated. It is pretty sad. There is nothing sexy about floppy breasts, but hey, if I ever need a mamogram, I am set. Those babies will lay right up there perfectly pressed. Those are the things no one ever tells you. I am not so sure I would have done it had I known that. I had saggy, but nice breasts before.