N for Nice

So my son just asked if in school there was an N for Nice since F means failing. That is just my son. That is just how he is, and last night, I was a terrible mom to my sweet little son. I scream at him in a very aggressive way. He did not deserve that at all. I felt terrible immediately after. I sat with him and cried which made it worse. I try not to cry in front of him, but I could not help it and am hoping that it will help him realize that parents are people too and we make mistakes. He is so forgiving and I hate that. I wish he would really listen and not just say, "I forgive you" which he always does. He is always very forgiving. That is just my son.
I have never been so alone in my life. I am out of my normal routine. No gym for me right now. I feel sorry for the kids because they deserve the best version of their mom and that is definitely not me right now. I spent half of today still worked up from last night with my son. I was not able to eat this am and went until after 1p for lunch. I feel better now that I am with my son, but I was pretty worked up all day today. My life is not normal. How am I supposed to feel whole? My hubby thinks by Wed or Thurs I will be back to normal and feel normal again. I am pretty sure that is not the case. It is going to take sometime to decompress from this situation. Certainly a lot longer than a day or two.
I have worked really hard over the last several days to not feel sorry for myself, but every moment, I feel beat up. Then I beat my son up emotionally last night. Did that make me feel better? No. I just felt worse. I cried from 8:30 to 11p. So not worth it. I would rather spend hours and hours consoling him so he is not afraid than make him more afraid. This certainly is a test. I am just not sure what is being tested.