A trip to the beach and panic all day

I got back Thurs from a work trip to the beach.  I work with lovely people, but being in a house with them for 4 days straight was wearing.  I enjoyed spending time with most of them, but I was ready to come home.   Coming home on a Thursday made Friday a very long day.  I was (and still am in some ways) emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting.  I am still recovering.  I am hoping to recover enough that I can at least get a 10 miler in tomorrow.  I would like to do 14-15 but I do not believe that is in the cards based on my level of exhaustion.  I rowed this am.  We got a rowing machine for the house.  It is nice.  I have not really rowed in weeks so I am definitely feeling it, but in a good way.  Hopefully this will get me the long, lean body I want. 
All day long today I have been on the verge of a panic attack.  Keep in mind that I had one this am as my daughter and I dug my hubby's Ipod out of his work bag.  I have been on the verge of one ever since too.  I am not sure why I am on edge so much today.  It is wearing on me and making me more tired.  I only had one panic attack at the beach.  Fortunately, I was alone and in the shower.  I just sat down to deal.  I am still weeks away from getting the therapy thing wrapped up so it will be some time before I pinpoint why I am so anxious all of the time.  I am ready for them to end.  I never know when one will strike and fortunately, they seem to be isolated to when I am mostly alone or in the house.  I refuse to be an agoraphobic and hang around the house waiting for one.  I know to sit down should one start coming on.  I can usually get through it then without incident. 
I feel ready now to take this health thing all the way.  I was always on the cusp before.  I feel ready to really continue the running this winter provided it is not too cold and I feel ready to go back to healthy eating and regular cross training with the rowing.  Winter always seems to be my best time. I  am hoping that this year is no different.  I am tired of feeling fat. Yes, I know I am not fat.  I am not even close to being overweight, but I feel fat and am tired of it. I want to feel how I look.  I feel that way closer to 130. 
I cannot believe that Halloween is almost here.  Time is flying by.  I hope it continues.  I hate that I spend so much time wishing time away, but I want spring to be here.  I want the flowers to be blooming and to hear the birds chirping in the am.  That is my time.  I do not understand folks who like the fall.  Life is dying.  Why would anyone like that time?  You like death?  I get that it is cyclical, but seriously, spring is the best time.  It is about rebirth and life and everything coming to life and finding its beauty.  Who cannot get on board with that? 

Stress is when

you wake up and realize that you were never asleep but still going through a nightmare.  These last few days have been interesting to say the least.  I have staved off all panic attacks as they have started to come on, but the feeling of one coming on is sometimes more than I can take.  My stress level has been extraordinarily high these last 24 hours . I keep thinking that it will be a miracle if I make it to Monday not having had a nervous break down.  The crazy thing in all of the this is that I am sleeping better than ever.  I have slept through the night for the last 2 out of 4 days and the other two days, I slept at least 5 hours before I even woke up.  I only sleep about 6-6.5 hours a night so it is not like it is long, long stretches of sleep, but it hardly ever happens to me.  Trying to get into to therapy has been a show.  I am just trying to take every moment as just that moment.  It seems to help keep the panic attacks from taking over.  I am also not allowing my mind to wander so much which is something that definitely helps.  I need a run.  A long run by myself.  I am terrified that I am swimming down into the depths of depression again.  That possibility has always scared me.  I have so much more at stake now that I did back then.  Plus, I love being a happy person.  It is so much more fulfilling than being miserable.  I am scared to death.  I feel out of control.  I know that I toe that line of sanity versus insanity all of the time.  I am just way closer to the other side now that I normally feel comfortable with.  I keep wondering how close I am going to get to it and if I will end up on the other side. 
My husband would be surprised to read this but in some ways I feel like my marriage is falling apart.  We do not understand one another.  I am not sure that we can bridge that gap between us.  I love him and I think he loves me, but is that enough?  We keep circling back around the same things with little changing every time we go over it.  The only thing that happens is that we rehash what we already know.  I always seem to want more so what is it that I am missing.  What is that piece?  My mind is not linear these days.  That scares me.  I cannot resolve anything if my mind is not linear, right? I am not taking care of myself either which is unlike me.  I am not going to the gym as regularly as I should.  That is killing me.  I just end up feeling fat and beating myself up about it all day.  I don't want to feel like this.  I want to feel happy and free and powerful.  My fears are taking over and it terrifies me.   

My life in two parts

In some ways I feel like I have lived life in two parts.  The life I enjoy now and everything else before it.  I know people change over time, but very few things about me are the same as they were 15 years ago.  It is no wonder I hate the wedding dress that I picked out when I was 21.  I sit here these days so confused about so many things and on the constant verge of panic attack, and I never know when the panic attack will hit.  It typically hits in the shower in the am when my mind is wandering.  The other day it happened as I drove my kids to school.  One day it happened on the way to work.  I do not allow it stop me or make me agoraphobic as it did my mother.  If I need to, I will pull over while driving and park the car until it subsides.  If I need to, I will sit down in the shower which is what I did yesterday.  It will not rule my life. 
I don't know if I am bringing on bad karma by not speaking to my mother.  I find that part of my life so confusing.  It is not like we had a deep meaningful relationship ever.  I am trying to figure out if this situation bothers me so much now because 1. I fear the bad karma.  2.  I feel like I am really missing something.  3.  It is the guilt of being a "bad daughter" who "hates" her mother.  (that is what I know my mother is telling friends now.)  4.  I am sad because I have finally acknowledged that my relationship with my mother will never what many mother/daughter relationships are.  5.  It is hard to truly intellectualize that you will not likely ever really talk to your mother again.  It goes against everything ingrained in us from the start of our lives.  I find it all so confusing.  I don't know what it is. 
One thing I do know is that running is an outlet I desperately need.  I want to run mountains now not just hills.  I want to run a marathon.  I just want to run.  I went to Jason yesterday and while he fully thinks that I can do the marathon in 5 weeks, I am going to wait until next year to really attack that goal.  Jason is amazing.  He makes you feel like you can conquer the world.  I am sore from PT yesterday and all we did was an adjustment.  There were no exercises added outside of what I normally do.  It is the left glute weakness causing the problems on the left side.  He will add some strength training next week for it.  I am ready.  I want to run further and faster so I am thankful for his skill. 
Tomorrow is a long run with my BFF.  I am hoping no rain!

First trail race

And I totally bit at one point.  Since it was trail, though, the fall was not too bad.  My hands got a little scratched up.  I had a freaking blast and would do it all over again.  It was easily one of the toughest challenges I have ever done as a runner considering that it was almost complete trail and 8 miles, but I would love to do it again next week.  It made me feel so powerful and strong.  I ran it with my BFF and our time was 1:30:14 which considering that it has just rained the night before and there was a lot of forced walking on rocks and such, I do not believe that is too bad.  I am appropriately tired, but nothing other than my foot hurts.  My IT band was acting towards the latter part, but it feels fine now.  The stretching and rolling all week has clearly helped.  I feel like I can do the half.  I do not believe that with the IT band acting up, the marathon is a good idea this year, but next year, it is on.  I am mentally ready.  I am totally talking my BFF into this race again next year.  Trail running more fun than I had ever expected or imagined.  I did not think I was missing much, but as it turns out, I was missing out on a lot.  Loads of fun.  I think my BFF and I will add a trail run into our workouts every once in a while.  Just loads of fun!!  I actually said that I cannot wait to see where I am sore tomorrow. 
I am happy that the IT band is not too bad. I hit on that knee when I fell so I thought for sure that it would start really yelling at me, but it waited until closer to the end and it has been ok today.  I am getting ready to stretch now.  I see Jason on Tues so hopefully he can help fix me further. 
I need to get the eating under control.  Godiva dessert truffles and pumpkin ice cream are awesome and all, but they are not going to help me get to my weight goal, and I really want to get to my weight goal.  After running the race today, I feel like I could do anything so I feel like I can lose those last 8 pounds. The time is right.  Just how I feel. 

I am finally going crazy. It has finally hit.

Scary, but it is true.  It is finally here.  I knew it was coming and here is it is.
I am changing my dishes.  I hate my dishes.  Hate them.  I picked out my every day dishes when I was 23.  I picked out the same dishes that my parents used my entire lifetime.  My freaking grandmother used them.  When my mother saw that I registered for the same pattern she had, she bought me everything.  I mean everything.  I have more dishes than I know what to do with in my life.  I have probably 30 place settings, the gravy boat, the creamer (no one in my house drinks coffee,) the sugar container, the deep dishes, the soup bowls, the pitcher, etc, etc.  They make it I have it.  She went nuts.  I like to think she was trying to be kind hoping I would never have to spend another $ on dishes again, but I was 23.  My tastes have changed quite a bit and frankly, I think I just picked out a pattern then because I was so depressed and beaten down and it was easy.  I hate them now.  I broke on a few months ago and after the shock of it hitting the ground, it felt amazing.  I taking out some dishes and smashing them to pieces.  I will donate the others.  It will help a lot of folks who need dishes, trust me.  There are freaking some in the attic.  I will be donating them for years, but they are going.  I am finding something more me.  I realized last night that I spend so much time worrying about everyone else and what everyone else thinks of me and how I look and act and if I am a good friend, wife, mother, co-worker, boss, work out partner, and daughter.  It is EXHAUSTING.  Exhausting.  No wonder I am so tired all of the time.  It is draining.  I am worrying about me.  Screw the stress over worrying about everything else.  I kept these dishes for the last 5 years even though I hated them as I climbed out of a 20 year depression.  I felt guilty.  I felt like I would offend my mother since she had bought so many of them.  I felt it was wasteful.  I felt my mother would judge me.  I don't care today.  They will go to a good home so there will be little waste other than the plates I smash to bits, and as far as offending my mother, I no longer care.  I want dishes that make me happy and make me smile when I see them.  I am tired of hating them when I see them.  I don't want life to be just good enough or acceptable.  I want more than that.  That is the basis for my problems in my marriage and the basis for these episodes I keep having.  I had another one today.  I thought it was low blood pressure, but one hit today as I was dropping my son off at school.  I was thinking about my mother-in-law and her $ she is getting from my husband's dad.  It took me to another place that I can no longer recall and suspect enters my mind each time I feel lightheaded as though I am about to pass out.  Having it happen while driving freaked me out for obvious reasons, but it let me know that these are panic attacks I am having.  Something is triggering them.  I can no longer remember what my thoughts were when it hit, but I realized that I need to start doings things to work on my happiness (within in the scope of my kids, of course, because they come first and should come first.)  I am staring with the small change, my dishes.  I have spent the last 28 years feeding myself with food to fill up the emptiness I feel each and every day.  I tie it all up, the stress, the overeating, the sadness, and the loneliness and put a bow on it and hold onto it so tight.  It is enough.  Piece by piece, I can untie it and get rid of it and just let it go.  So today it is my dishes.  We may be eating on paper plates for a while, but I do not care.  I want those dishes gone....

Out of my routine

And it is killing me.  Slowly I am becoming less of the person I was.  I miss running terribly.  I do 8 on Sat.  Hopefully that will bring some relief.  Tomorrow my life gets more back to normal, thank goodness.  I have an appt with Jason, the awesome PT, on Tuesday.  That will further bring some relief.  I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about my mother and my hubby.  The funny thing is that it is this book that I am reading that I almost stopped reading that has gotten me thinking about both.  As far as my mother goes, I can try desperately to have a relationship with her.  I can, but the problem is that the only relationship she will allow is one on her terms.  That would be ok for a normal person, but she is anything but normal.  She has to control and manipulate and bribe.  I spent 36 years playing her games and letting her control and bribe and manipulate me all so I could feel her love and approval.  It was so exhausting.  The end result was always the same.  She was never satisfied.  I never got her love or her approval or even her appreciation.  I always felt less than.  I have finally given up.  I used to go the superficial route and just call her every other week and keep it light.  I don't even have the strength to do that any more.  That facade is exhausting and frankly, hearing my mother say that all she has left is her privacy is more than I can bear.  The implication of that statement is that we (my siblings and I) have taken everything from her so I am stopping the taking.  I want no more.  Well, that is a lie.  I want a normal relationship with my mother, one full of love and appreciation for the woman I have become, but I know now that I will never get that with her no matter how hard I try, and I am tired of trying.  I just do not have the strength to push forward any more.  Life is short and I have spent so much time worrying about how she would view me and what I could do to gain more favor.  The truth is nothing works.  Play her games or you are out of favor.
The problem is that my mother problems have a major affect on my relationship with my husband.  I am so afraid of heartbreak that I will not allow myself to be loved because who can love a girl when her own other cannot love her, right?  Because I am waiting for my hubby to leave me, I keep pushing him away and holding back from committing 100%.  This constant battle has a major impact on my life.  Any issue that comes up is a major problem rather than just a minor slight.  How do I fix that?  I am working on it, but it so out of control at times.  I don't know what to do or how to fix it and it is all wrapped up in one big confusing piece in my mind.  What so I do?  I am so worried that this will completely impact my marriage and ruin it.  How do I open myself up and stop protecting so much.  I need to find the hole in my heart that forces me to hold back.  I am just so afraid he will stop loving me and what do I do if that happens?  How will I survive? 

Disappointment sets in

My run was awesome.  Ave pace was 9:33 per mile which is 11 seconds under my last two averages. I was feeling awesome.  Weather was low 60's and PERFECT.  About mile 8 I can feel my left IT band tightening.  First let me say that going into this run my right hamstring was tight so I knew that there would likely be some pulling on the left to make up for the right.  I had no clue it would hit my IT band.  I had to stop running at little short of mile 11 because the pain was getting unbearable and I know from past experience that you do not run through IT band pain.  I had to walk home.  I am so frustrated because I was killing it today and ready for a 2 and a half hour run.  I was even thinking maybe just maybe I could stretch to 3 hours the following week and maybe just maybe see if I could run/walk the full marathon in Nov.  Instead I am heading back to my primary care physician tomorrow in hopes that he sends me back to Jason, the best physical therapist I have ever known.  Jason got me through the last set of problems and got me running again.  I firmly believe he helped me mentally and physically run the last half marathon.  I just want to nip this problem before it really gets going and I end up with a slipped disk and in horrible pain again.  Jason can do that for me.  I am also frustrated because I am doing everything from previous physical therapy.  Maybe not every day but at least every other day.  I know I should stretch every day that I run.  Maybe that is what is missing?  I always do a long run on Fridays and Friday is my day off from stretching.  I guess that I need to change that.  I am semi freaking out.  What if this gets worse?  What if I cannot continue long runs through this?  I was just really finding my groove with the long runs.  It is not an easy feat to run for over 2 hours once a week.  It messes with your mind going into it. You start to dread that day of the long run and then you start to dread the evening prior.  Well, I had just overcome that.  I was excited to run last week and this week.  I was ready to face the challenge.  This am, I welcomed the challenge, and then this happened.  Of course I am disappointed.  I ran 8 miles on Friday.  I was finally starting to really feel like a runner, and I so want to be a runner.  I love running.  It frees me.  It frees my mind and my soul.  Lorraine Moller, a runner and winner in the 92 Olympics said that "running is my meditation, mind flush, cosmic telephone, mood elevator, and spiritual communion."  I don't know if every runner feels that way about running, but I do.  I especially identify with the meditation and mind flush part.  I work through so many problems when I am running.  I often get my best ideas when running.  Part of the reason I needed stress therapy last year was that my mind was too cluttered when running.  I could not work through a thing.  (Sorry my daughter is sitting here coloring and singing.  I might pee in my pants laughing it is so cute.)  So distracted now.  She is just going on and on...
Anyways, I need running and I need the long distances.  I need it for my mind and soul but also for my body.  Significant changes come with distance running.  Had I known that years ago, I would have ditched my regular 5k's and focused on the longer runs.  I don't want to lose those changes.  I love them.  I have lost about 5 pounds, but it is more than the weight.  It is the way I look.  I look longer and leaner and I finally have the bump out at the top of my thigh from the muscles there that I always wanted.  I absolutely do not want to lose that.  I am hoping Jason can fix me and if the doc does not want to send me to Jason, well, then I am hoping that his recommendation can fix what I have going on now.  I just know that I cannot and should not run through IT band problems.  So here I sit with a thermacare wrap on my left knee.  I will walk funny up and downstairs for a few days.  I just hope that my 8 mile run Sat goes well and I can make it through.  I plan to row this week anyways so hopefully that help my problem some.  Rowing seems to stretch out my back and legs which ultimately should help the IT.  Stupid IT band.  Best run in a long time and that thing has to ruin it.  I was killing it and at a 9:40 (even if I had slowed down at the end) I would have likely gone 15 miles before I stopped.  I was mentally and physically ready.  It was like all of the stars had aligned...well, all the stars but the one for my body anyways....