My life in two parts

In some ways I feel like I have lived life in two parts.  The life I enjoy now and everything else before it.  I know people change over time, but very few things about me are the same as they were 15 years ago.  It is no wonder I hate the wedding dress that I picked out when I was 21.  I sit here these days so confused about so many things and on the constant verge of panic attack, and I never know when the panic attack will hit.  It typically hits in the shower in the am when my mind is wandering.  The other day it happened as I drove my kids to school.  One day it happened on the way to work.  I do not allow it stop me or make me agoraphobic as it did my mother.  If I need to, I will pull over while driving and park the car until it subsides.  If I need to, I will sit down in the shower which is what I did yesterday.  It will not rule my life. 
I don't know if I am bringing on bad karma by not speaking to my mother.  I find that part of my life so confusing.  It is not like we had a deep meaningful relationship ever.  I am trying to figure out if this situation bothers me so much now because 1. I fear the bad karma.  2.  I feel like I am really missing something.  3.  It is the guilt of being a "bad daughter" who "hates" her mother.  (that is what I know my mother is telling friends now.)  4.  I am sad because I have finally acknowledged that my relationship with my mother will never what many mother/daughter relationships are.  5.  It is hard to truly intellectualize that you will not likely ever really talk to your mother again.  It goes against everything ingrained in us from the start of our lives.  I find it all so confusing.  I don't know what it is. 
One thing I do know is that running is an outlet I desperately need.  I want to run mountains now not just hills.  I want to run a marathon.  I just want to run.  I went to Jason yesterday and while he fully thinks that I can do the marathon in 5 weeks, I am going to wait until next year to really attack that goal.  Jason is amazing.  He makes you feel like you can conquer the world.  I am sore from PT yesterday and all we did was an adjustment.  There were no exercises added outside of what I normally do.  It is the left glute weakness causing the problems on the left side.  He will add some strength training next week for it.  I am ready.  I want to run further and faster so I am thankful for his skill. 
Tomorrow is a long run with my BFF.  I am hoping no rain!