That woman....I got a glimpse today

This am I got the glimpse of that woman I want to be, the one who I see in my mind every day and want to strive to be.  Most days, she eludes me.  I know who she is and what she does and what says and how she deals with almost every situation, but most the time, I cannot find the strength or power or voice to be here.  Don't get me wrong.  She is not perfect, but she is the person I want to be.  This morning, she was with me and closer than ever.  I was she.  I know it is a fleeting thing and she will just be back to sitting in my mind later and I will be wishing I could be her again, but today she was closer than ever.  I am hoping that means that I will be who she is more and more and can maybe quiet down the fears and anxiety and terror that I live with every moment of my life.  She is so peaceful and happy and not afraid.  I want that.  I have been depressed lately and I really believe now that I feel like it is waning a bit that it was caused by this transition of knowing what the right thing to do is in most instances but not being able to do them out of fear and terror.  Terror....my hubby will probably be sad when he learns that I live with terror in my mind each and every day which is why I keep such a tight grip of control.  Yes, it is terror that circles my mind almost every moment of my life.  When you live in terror all of the time, the only thing you are constantly doing is protecting yourself, of course.  She does not live in terror.  She is able to love freely and say "what the hell" and make a mess and not be afraid of it.  This am for just a few moments, I was that person.  I hope I find similar moments tomorrow.  If I can steal more and more of them, then maybe I will be become that person.