Tiffy V3

I always talk about the 3 people in my life, the person I used to be, the current me and the woman I see that I want to be.  I used to hate the person I used to be.  Now I feel sorry for her, but also care about her and honestly, want to take her with me wherever I got and give her the life she always deserved.  I see the person that I want to be and there are moments where I am her and I am happy and comfortable, but then she is gone just as quickly as she arrived.  I want 2013 to be the year she stays more often than not.  I want this to be the year of Tiffy V3.  I want to be that person.  I want her to live this life and hold V1 and V2 with her helping them to live the same life.  I have to make some serious changes and I have to fight those scary, horrifying thoughts that creep in my mind through any and every crack they can find.  Only I can work on that, and I know that, but it is hard work.  I need to work really hard.  Tomorrow is a fresh start for everyone.  The question for me is, can I find the strength to do it?  Can I actually do it?  My emotional eating is worse than it has been in years.  Can I learn to control that again?  Can I stop the negative back talk I give myself?  Can I stop being suspicious of everyone and everything including myself?  I do not know.  I just do not know. 

Family

Are we all on a path to make our families nuts as we get older?  Am I going to drive my children crazy as they grow older and move into adulthood?  I often wonder that.  It seems to be the way it always works despite the best of intentions. I know my family is crazy, but my husband's side of the family has gotten crazier and crazier and I am not sure how to deal with it.  I just find the whole thing very confusing personally.
I have not taken care of my body over the last few days.  I have exercised, of course, but the eating has not been good.  Too much crap and candy.  All of that stops tomorrow.  The hubby and I are going to come up with a plan and really get it going. I hope we stick to it.  Losing 10-15 pounds will help me run faster.  I would really like to get faster.  It would be nice.  I ran in sleet yesterday.  That was a new one for me.  I give a lot of credit to my BFF.  I ran in the wet and cold and because we were so engrossed in our conversations, I barely noticed.  Thanks, BFF, for getting me through.  She is a good friend.  I am lucky to have her in my life.  Very lucky and I really feel that these days.  We crossed into new topics that we stayed away from recently.  I finally have a close friend to whom I can talk about anything and I mean anything.  I love it!
Merry Christmas.  I am actually happy to get back to real life tomorrow.  Just been a bit too stressful over the last two days.  Work will be stressful, but it is stress that is constant for me so I think I can deal with it. 

The universe talking to me?

Apparently, I have vicarious traumatic stress disorder.  I love that everything has a name now.  I say that it is BS.  At least for me.  I am not afraid.  Quite the contrary, I feel stronger.  Rather, I just feel heartbroken for 20 moms, two of whom buried children today.  My ability to empathize has always been stronger than most.  I that is what gives people like me the desire to be peace-makers and friends with everyone.  We never want anyone to feel left out or hurt.  When I get upset, I want to eat but eating upsets my stomach so I have taken to walking instead.  After running 10 miles on hills yesterday, I walked another 10k.  (My abs are so sore today.)  I walked a 10k today too.  I wish I had a treadmill at work.  It would certainly eat some of the stress.  It just makes me focus on how I want to quit walking but I am so stubborn I will not so it gives me something else to focus on.  It ultimately makes me feel better to have the quiet peace of just walking.  I am hoping that I feel the same quiet peace working out tomorrow and doing a long run this weekend.  My mind is constantly craving the tiredness I get from working out so hard.  I want to go walk now, but here I am cooking dinner.  Tomorrow I row.  Hopefully the workout will be enough to charge me mentally for the rest of the day.  If not, there will be a short walk during the kids' video after dinner. 
I am sure every runner who plans to run a marathon in 2013 feels like the universe is speaking to them.  26 killed and 26 miles in a full marathon.  I feel the irony of that.  This grief, honestly, is helping me and motivating me to get seriously into shape since my mind and body feel the need to really constantly work in the physical sense now.  So maybe the universe is telling me something.  I remember hearing a long time ago that everything happens for a reason.  Even the bad stuff.  Either that event is to change the person it happens to or a person around them or someone they may not even know.  This event is changing me.  I certainly love my kids more and I do not mean that in that I actually love them more.  I mean that in that I show them that I love them more.  I appreciate them more.  Yes, my daughter is still maddening, but I get that when I drop them off at school that I used to take it for granted that they would come home.  Not so much these days.  When I had kids someone told me that they are loan from God.  I forgot along the way somewhere.  This event has made me remember that.  Courage.  It took courage for those 6 women to protect the children that they could.  I bet they never even thought twice about it.  They just did what was instinctual.  It is what we do best as women.  We protect and that takes courage.  Lots of it.  In that moment, I bet they felt no fear for themselves.  They just knew that they had to protect those children.  Talk about strength.      

Two days later

Two day later I sit here and watch my son who is in first grade, my son who made me a mother and is the sweetest child in the world.  I sit here and know that 20 mothers a few states away are grieving for loss of their first grade children.  I do not know how to process it.  I just cannot fathom how you move on in the face of this kind of tragedy.  How do you get up and get dressed.  How do you face the world?  I sit here and think about 20 mothers I do not even know and think about how scared their children were in that moment.  I do not understand.  When my son is afraid, he wants me.  Keep in mind that my husband outweighs me by a good 80 pounds and is 7 inches taller than I am and most assuredly much stronger, but my son wants me as if I can protect him in a way that his father cannot.  In the last moments of those children, who did they want and who did they think of immediately.  I know it was their moms.  That thought just tears me to shreds.  I do not understand why he did what he did.  We are all searching for understanding and I am not sure that understanding will ever come.  How can one ever truly understand hurting a child?
A report this am was talking about one of the teachers who told her students to shut themselves in their cubbies ad she distracted the shooter and was, as a result, killed.  In her last moment of terror, she thought of her students.  It is what we do for children.  We do not shoot them.  We protect and save and do whatever we can to help them.  We do not hurt them.  I am not sure that it will ever make sense.  I pray for peace for those families, peace that I know cannot come this Christmas.  I pray for those mothers I will never know.   

Grief

Mothers all over the country are grieving today for those mothers who lost children yesterday.  It is horrifying, and words will never truly express the grief and pain that is the result of yesterday's event.  Every mother identifies with those mothers who lost children.  I just cannot understand.  The weight is too much to bear.  I do not know how those mothers are getting through at this moment.  I think it has to be lots of sedatives and Xanax.  Children.  Small children and a whole room full of them.  My daughter is 5.  My son is 7.  I just do not understand.  The grief is too much.  I watch the reporter some of whom are main anchors on morning shows on major news networks, and they are visibly upset.  It is just so sad.  For all of my problems with my daughter and all of my worries about my son and the kind of mother I am by working, I still have both of them here with me.  They sleep upstairs, and I am thankful for that. 
This tragedy led my mother and I into a discussion that gave me another piece of the puzzle.  My mother mentioned that many of these parents have bought holiday presents for those children.  She said that after Paul died, at the next Christmas, she thought about the Christmas presents she would have bought for him, and after that she always hated Christmas and never found joy in it again.  Paul died when my mother was 23.  This December 25th will mark her 68th holiday.  For 45 years she has hated Christmas and found no joy in it.  She raised 3 kids during those 45 years.   Why did we not deserve her joy at the holidays?  How was it possible that a child who never really lived took so much from the 5 of us.  How does that happen.  Many would say that I never felt the pain of losing a child so I do not understand.  That is true, but I have seen another way.  I have friends who tragically lost a child.  I see them and am amazed because they have grown in the last 7 years.  They still live life and still live life for their kids.  I am positive the feel the pain of their loss each and every day but they have pushed through and in essence unlike my mother, they did not die with their daughter.  I am sure part of them died, but pieces have still lived and remained and moved on.  My mother emotionally when Paul died.  It is another piece of the puzzle for me.  I try to hide emotions.  I try to act unemotional even in times of great pain.  That is not normal.  I do not want to live in fear or wallow in loss, and I believe that is what happens when you hide or ignore emotions.  It leads to bitterness and fear, and the constant comparison of what you have lost compared to others.  It becomes a contest which is exhausting.
A guy on Fox News was interviewed on how to deal with the tragedy.  He is a safety expert and he said that courage comes from the same place in the brain that fear does.  How powerful is that?     

Mental

I know running is part mental and part physical but for me running is truly based on the mental part.  I would say it is as high as 75-80%....maybe even more.  I was great today.  I was on fire.  I am sore now and will be sore tomorrow too, but I do not care.  It was worth it.  I knew going into the first few miles that I was feeling it, and it would be a good run. I freaking ran to the mall and back.  14.5 miles.  If I ran like this in races, I would kill it and beat every hope I have in running.  When the mental is right, I can fight back any pain that hits.  I can go and go and go despite pains.  The only pain I listen to in that state is the IT band because I know that will affect the running long term, but I had no IT band pain today.  Just calf tightness and muscle pains around the knees.  I had fun today.  I enjoyed it.  I got excited clicking off each mile rather than thinking, "Oh God...how do I keep going?"  That is what I think when I am fighting back the mental pain.  None of that entered my mind today.  I just kept going and going.  I wish I had more days like this.  I was happy that the fun in running today was back.  It was stressful during the period that it left.  I just wondered where it went and why I lost it and worried I would never get it back.  I am so glad that I got it back.  I feel ready to move into this next phase again, and I really want to move into this phase.  I hope this run I did today propels me into that time when it is all about the running and all about eating to help the running and all about just enjoying the running.  If I had been another mile from home today, I would have run it.  This is good. In order to get to the next level, I need to master the half marathon without feeling dead tired after.  I have to get to the next level. I signed up for the next level in Nov 2013.  I downloaded Whitney Houston's "One Moment in Time."  I love that it is on my playlist for running.  It totally fits.  As I listened to it running today, I imagined how it will feel to finish the marathon next Nov.  Talk about being something more than I ever thought I could be.  I never thought I would be a runner girl.  I would have bet someone a million dollars that would never have happened.  Here I am two halfs down and a half in June, a half in August, an 8 mile trail race in September and a full in November.  I typically run about 20-30 miles a week.  Who would ever think!  I am considering a 35k trail race.  I would love to work up to it.  Trail racing is where it is at!  It is the best feeling in the world.  So fun and enjoyable and so much satisfaction from the difficulty factor of it, but the best part is that you get the difficulty factor while you are totally distracted so it never really occurs to you how difficult it really is.  I just love it!  You get a serious runner's high. 
I feel like I am finally working on merging the person I am with the person I want to be.  That is a major part of the next phase I want to move into.  I want to be that woman.  Sometimes it is tough to remember that particularly when I am stressed or unhappy or feel like the world is falling apart, but today I am in touch with her. 

Messages from an overstressed working mom....

One down...329 to go.  I have one major hurdle down yesterday thanks to Papa Neal.  Only 329 more problems to resolve some of which are personal and some of which are professional.  Seems like the problems just keep stacking up.  I am always amazed at my ability to deal with more stress.  I always think of myself as super stressed out and not sure what to do, but in reality, I deal with a lot of stress and have the gift of compartmentalization with so it does not completely affect my life every moment.  Sure it comes in waves, but for the most part, I can ignore some.  Thankfully. 
I rowed this am.  I have started a new series of jumping exercises to help strengthen the hips and thighs.  So far so good.  Yesterday's run with my BFF was faster than our normal pace and it felt pretty effortless.  The funny thing about yesterday is that the temp was around 39/40 and it really did not bother me.  I keep telling her that she is toughening me up!  I am trying to ignore the numbers on the scale.  As long as I am eating right which I feel like I am for the most part (Ok, I had a cupcake yesterday but it was our holiday party at work...) and working out well 6 days a week, I am happy and doing what I should be doing.  It makes it hard to ignore the #'s on the scale not going down, but it is what it is.  So I was a bit depressed yesterday.  The Granny Smith apples I bought were on the sweeter side.  I like them super tart.  What the heck?
I am sitting here at 8:20am with the TV off.  I have to say, it is so nice.  The kids are entertained and the hubby is occupying himself with his iPod.  The constant sound coming from the TV tends to make me crazy so it is a nice change to have it off in the am.  Just peaceful.  We tend to rely too much on the TV as most folks do.  May sound weird coming from someone in TV, but it is true. 
Tomorrow is a long run.  I feel ready to tackle one again.  I am always fearful of wimping out, but I am hopeful that I will not do so tomorrow.  I just have to remember to keep on pushing.  If the sun is out, I find that I do better so fingers crossed that today's clouds disperse.  I am trying to stay in half marathon shape so the transition to full marathon training next fall goes well.  I know that I have a lot of time, but I have a lot of pride in doing the long runs, and it is not pride of how others see me.  It is very internal.  It makes me happy. 

Time is passing me by

Time is passing me by.  I realized that today.  I am losing time.  I want back the years that I lost and I spend so much time worrying about them that I fail to see that in some way, I am wasting these years too.  Do not get me wrong, I am definitely making progress, but I am not doing the things that I know I need to do to get where I want to be.  Professionally, I am great.  My job is ever changing which is fun in its own way and is very fulfilling.  That means that the changes I want are personal.  I taking small steps.  Too small.  I need to take much bigger steps if I want to make the progress that I want to make.  I feel like in some ways I have missed that step or I am lacking the drive to take those bigger steps.  Where is my drive.  It seems like it is failing me in some ways.  Where is my focus?  I am so focused in some ways, but not in this regard.  Something needs to change.  I have a lot of soul searching to do.  I need to figure out if I can really push myself.  I wonder if I really can push like that?  Why am I afraid and what am I afraid of?  What is the fear?  I do not want to be afraid.  Fear is causing me to lose time, something I cannot afford to lose.  Time...goes by so quickly....

Did I really get another chance?

I cannot help but wonder some days if I got another chance at life and love.  My life is totally different than it was before in almost every way.  Yes, of course, there are the obvious ways that affect most people...I have kids and such but I mean more in the sense of who I am and what I want.  I love running and I never wanted to run.  I am completely and utterly in love with my husband and I never loved anyone because it was too hard and made you take too many chances that you could get hurt, but here I am running and loving.  I never saw myself like this.
My drive is back.  I wanted to run for an hour and 40 minutes, and I made it. I made it through some major issues too, but I did it.  I was so tired after which tells me how out of shape I am, but I loved it.  I was worried about an hour and 10 minutes in because it was not fun but the end of the run, I remembered, you go through phases.  The longer you run the more phases you have where you lose the fun, but usually it returns...well, hopefully anyways and it did for me today.  By an hour and 25 minutes, I got my groove back.  I feel like the old me again.  I think Friday's run helped as it felt so effortless.  I love running.  I missed enjoying it.  I have a 15k mid January and a half in June, and I think it is some 49 weeks until the full marathon.  Every now and then, I picture myself finishing the full and how wonderfully amazing that moment will feel.  I thought I would never ever in a million years run a full...even when I signed up for the half.  Never say never. 
I was thinking today as my mind wandered while running that I should do more muscle building exercises for my legs.  Then I started thinking about how that type of stuff is mostly for professional athletes and I am not a professional athlete.  That is where my mind normally goes.  Then I started thinking and questioning...so what. I am not a professional athlete or professional body builder, but does that really matter?  No.  All that matters is what I want to do running and exercise-wise.  Jason, the ultimate PT, can fix the rest for me so why not.  Just do it, right!

Effortless

I needed this run today.  It was virtually effortless.  Time flew by.  I ran on a treadmill...too cold for me...with my BFF next to me.  We talked the whole time.  A 10k down and it was over before I knew it.  It was the fastest hour of my life.  We went slow so I know it was an easy run, but it felt like nothing.  I needed that.  Every run (even the ones on the treadmill) have felt so tough lately.  I needed a run that felt simply effortless and it did.  I hope that Sunday's run feels the same way!  My mind needed this run.  I am very thankful.
My rice krispy treat turkey looked good.  Last year's looked better, but I think that was because I used twizzlers and those made the difference.  All in all, though, I was pleased.  The hubby's 10k went well yesterday.  He finished in a little over 54 minutes. I was telling my BFF this am that it never ceases to amaze me how many people run 10k's faster than I do and how many of them are pretty out of shape.  Never ceases to amaze me....
I am a bit jealous of his run from yesterday.  Part of it was a trail run and I love trail runs!!!  The hubby said that folks were complaining about it.  They are crazy!!!
No Black Friday shopping for us.  The crowds are too large for me.  We do not really buy a lot anyways.  The mall was packed today, though, from a combination of Black Friday and nice weather.  It was beautiful!  Tomorrow is supposed to be much colder.  Winter is kicking in.  I am not sure how many miles that will lead to me to do on Sunday.  We will see how I feel.  I would like to stick with 10, but maybe that is being too ambitious, but then again...I like to be ambitious.  I am not wild about doing things small. 

It's time to party. It's Thanksgiving....

My son said that a few minutes ago.  I said, "Yeah, get into the holiday spirit."  I love Thanksgiving.  It is the one day of the year that I let it all go.  I drink and I hardly ever just allow myself to drink. I have fun and just let loose.  There is no schedule, no real rules, nothing.  The kids will stay up late and we will have fun.  We have been dancing around watching the parade and I have already hit the bottle of shiraz I bought a week ago.  It is just a day to relax, party, and let go of my grip a bit.  It is tough for me, but we are doing it.  Pretty awesome because I never let go and was not sure that I would be able to do it two years in a row, but so far so good.  My hubby did a 10k turkey trot today which is pretty cool.  I rowed this am and rowed pretty hard.  I plan to make the rice krispy treat turkey soon.  I hope it lives up to last year's turkey.  It was very cool and actually looked like a turkey.  I have the real turkey breast (there are only 4 of us so not much meat is needed) in the crock pot.  I will cook everything else around 4:30p.  All in all, it is a great day. Such a departure from my real life.  It is just about fun.  It is a nice departure.  I thoroughly enjoy it.  No need to be serious.  Lord knows that life is too serious too much and too often....
Time to go back to the party...

I only run when chased.

I used to say that on a regular basis back when I was 23-24 and weighed about 220.  (I will never really know for sure how much I weighed at the height because I only weighed myself after losing some weight and at that point, the scaled read 199.)  So the chick who used to say that I only run when chased has signed up for a marathon.  52 weeks.  Yes, 52 weeks to rain.  I am already halfway there since I don't plan to let go of my half marathon physical status that I have now.  For the first time, I feel like I can do it.  So now I say that I get seriously depressed when I cannot run. How funny is that.  I was visualizing this am how it would feel to finish next Nov.  I am running it for the younger, very afraid Tiffy, the one who weighed 220 and never ran.  I am also running it for the version of woman that I aspire to be and I am also ironically enough running it for my mother.  At some point she gave into fear and wallowed in it and let it take over her life so I am running for her in a way, in the way that she never found the courage to overcome that fear and break out of what chains her down and away from the things she really wants to do.  I no longer feel weighed down by those 3 women.  I feel supported by them...well, not by my mother but the other two versions of me.  I am currently somewhere in between the two of them, but both of them are part of me and will help me get through.  Without the 220 pound and miserable Tiffy, I would not be as stubborn and tenacious as I am which means I would never mentally and physically be able to get through 5 hours of running, and without the better version of myself that I want to be, well, I would give into fear and not run this race, but we are going to do it.  If it 30 and snows, we will run it.  If it is 90 and the sun is like fire, we will run it.  It is time to do it. 

Ready for the next challenge and looking for a plan

I am ready to do it. I am ready to run a marathon...well, next year that is.  I was very afraid of the idea of it after the difficulties I faced in the half last week, but I brought my mind back to why I decided to run the first half in the first place.  Fear.  I did not want to be afraid and if I was afraid, I still did not want that to hold me back from doing what I want to do.  I want to run a full marathon.  I really do so I am searching for the right full marathon.  I am using the wrongs of the half and looking at those to see what the best marathon would be for me.  I will make a decision soon.  I plan to continue to run 20-25 miles a week so I plan to stay in half marathon shape so I will not need to make up any work there.  I have had a good week.  I did full workouts every day but Mon and even did a short workout that day.  It is a good week.  This next week will be awesome!  I love my Thanksgiving plans.  It is a great day!  I bought my bottle of shiraz today. 
This week I learned a lesson through someone else.  I heard a friend talking about how stressed she was about getting the perfect outfit for a fun event.  Her stress was totally killing the joy of the event.  It reminded me again that life should be fun not stressful and that I have a tendency to take the fun out of life.  So sad.  Why do we as woman do that?  Is it because we are so stressed about trying to take care of everyone else that we cannot focus on the fun of doing things?  I am tired of stressing all of the time about everything.  I want to find more joy and fun in life.  It was a good kick in the pants for me!

Realized the true marathon for a runner and what it means

The true marathon for the runner is not the actual race.  It is the series of races and how you recover from each mentally, physically, and as a runner.  Saturday I did not run the race I wanted to or expected to run.  It stuck with me all day Sat and most of Sun.  Yesterday, I let it go a little bit.  Trying to recover mentally has been the hardest part.  I see these people who barely ever run and wonder how do they do so well.  I run rings around them as far as actual mileage goes.  So why are they so much faster and tougher in a race situation than I am.  Why?  I often think it is because I am weak which is laughable to most people who know me.  I think I am the only woman who gives birth to children sans drugs and does not complain.  I just get it done.  So why in a race am I slower and less able to adapt?  These are two questions, I struggle with now.  Today I was able to put it into perspective a bit.  It is not the race I need to worry about.  What I need to do is focus on those things I can change and work harder to fix those and work harder at the running.  I gave up on some big things in life and after that swore, I would never give up again and I refuse to give up on something that I love, and I truly love running.  I love it because it frees me.  It allows me to do something I never thought I would do in a million years and let's face it, part of it is that it is something no one in my family has ever really done.  It is mine.  All mine, well, in the scope of my family.  For me the marathon now is figuring out how to best adapt and recover from this race and focus on what I need to do to not feel disappointment again.  That is the true marathon of a runner.  I needed that 1 mile I ran today.  I ran it better than I ever have before.  It was just 1 mile, but that 1 mile reminded me that there is recovery in all aspects so on to the next mile, I go.

Taking some advice

So Runner's World says to think about your race runs and go over what you could control and what you could not control and then out of the things you could control what worked and what did not.  The article claims that it will help you figure out how to have better race day runs.  Since that is my issue, here I go.
Things I could not control:
1.  The weather--caused some anxiety for me.  I hate the cold.  I was definitely anxious going into the run since I knew it would be cold, but I figured if I planned to run the half, I knew what I was getting into.  I need to think about cooler races and how realistic running them is for me. 
2.  Where I am in my cycle.  The odds have been against me the last two halfs for this.  Not anything I can do about it.  Nature does what it wants. 
Things I can control:
1.  My attitude going into the race.  I was definitely not feeling it earlier this week.  I knew that the race was going to be rough mentally.  Self fulfilling prophecy perhaps?  If my attitude was better going in, would I have felt better about the race?
2.  Having fun during the race.  I did not have fun this race which just sucks more than I say.  I love running.  There is a line in a Taio Cruz song where he says "I do this just for kicks just for the thrill."  That is how I feel about running.  I did not enjoy today's run at all.  I just wanted it to be over.  How do I get the fun back?  Will I have fun the next time I run or am I over the fun for now? 
3.  My body.  I have not taken care of my body over the last several weeks.  Too much candy over the last 30 days and not enough stretching and rolling over the last week.  I did not stretch or roll at all yesterday.  That was a huge mistake.  I know that is why my IT band tightened.  Better care of my body going into the race.  I was too stressed and tired each evening to worry about it. 
4.  My music.  Having fresh music was great!  Definitely a must again!
5.  Clothing.  Wear running jacket rather than shirt that I need to lift over my head.  That slowed me down around miles 2-3 which is where I always struggle.
6.  Pace.  I need to figure out how to better pace myself in a race.  I always get into a groove after 45 minutes of running.  Yes, it takes me that long to warm up.  I need to find a way to stretch that out in a race situation.  I need to figure out how to slow myself down when I am running.  I so struggle with that.
7.  Race I sign up for.  A smaller race is definitely more my speed.  I totally know that now.  I need to think about that when I sign up for the next half marathon and the full marathon I will eventually do.  It just works for me. 
8.  I am not sure if I can control getting into my own head.  I struggle with that so much as I run a race.  My best runs are ones where I am in my own head, but that only happens when I am alone.  I need to find a way to do that in a race. 
9.  Food.  I need to have something with sugar along the way and not just powerade to drink.  I think my breakfast was perfect, though.  The one slice of peanut butter toast is PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sure that there are more things to consider.  This all I can contemplate for now. 

Not happy

I know I should be, but I am not.  Today's run was rough.  I was over 2 hours and 11 minutes.  Nice that I was 4 minutes slower than my August run.  My IT band was definitely bothering me, but I just did not have it in me today.  I knew that going into the week.  I was nervous about the race all week.  That is why.  I just want to know what I am missing for these runs.  I train every week and have no problem and just go out and run.  Why is it different during race time?  What changes for me?  Most people run better during race time.  I do not.  Why?  This race was unlike any race I have ever run.  There were way more people than I have become accustomed to during races.  The largest race I have done prior was capped at 1500 people and I do not believe that the race even hit 1500.  I need to figure out how to run my race come race day so that I am not so disappointed.  I spend so much time preparing.  I just don't want to feel disappointed after a race.  So many miles run and disappointment.  No one wants that. I want to feel good.
The rower we got is awesome.  So happy to have it.  I love rowing each day and will hopefully continue back with that tomorrow.  It is such a luxury to be able to roll out of bed and hit the machine.  I had PT on Wed of this past week.  Jason killed me.  My right hip was sore for 2 days after.  He had some suggestions on how I need to row a bit better.  I will do ask he recommends.  That should help the hip alignment. 
Part of being a woman my age is figuring out who you are.  Funny that it happens to women so much later in life.  I wonder when it happens for men.  Hopefully it does not make the hubby do anything crazy.  I know the person I was in the past.  I know who I want to be, but the person now...well, I am not so sure about her.  I need to figure that out and then figure out who to make that leap to the woman I want to be.  Well, and then figure out why race day is so tough for me...
I just want to say that I have the most wonderful husband and co-workers.  The hubby brought the kids to see me along the trail twice. I knew I would see them around mile 7.  I did not expect to see them again.  It meant so much to me so see my kids again.  My kids looked so proud.  It is a great feeling.  Most of my co-workers have checked in with me too which is very sweet.  What a nice group of people with whom I work.  I am very lucky, no doubt. 
I cannot believe that Thanksgiving is closing in.  I look forward to it every year.  I love the beer drinking I do along with my rice krispy treat turkey.  I might actually load up a pic of the turkey this year just for chuckles. The three beers it takes for me to keep a buzz all day is quite amusing.  I am such a lightweight.  I am definitely having a beer tonight!  I need to figure out what my next big thing is.  What race will I run next?  I know I have a 5k on Dec 1, but I can do a 5k in my sleep.  That is not enough to challenge me.  My BFF plans to do a 15k mid January, but I am not sure that cold weather training is for me.  I need to figure that one out.

Tiffy gets her groove back...at least for a day.

Where is it along the way where we (speaking of wives and mothers) lose that ability to really have fun and relax and just laugh?  We become so serious. Is it because life takes over and we have so much to do?  How sad is that?  My kids taught me how to love and what it means to really love someone and how to totally get in tough with that feeling, but they also gave me the excuse of "I don't have time for fun or strength for fun," etc, etc. I love my kids and am thankful to have both of them in my life.  They both teach me so much each and every day and they make me want to be a better mom, but when I look at them, I see that I am raising two very serious kids.  Is that because I am so serious?  We  had so much fun this summer.  The fun is gone.  We need to get it back.  The hubby and I need to get it back.  A large part of it is me.  I spend so much time being bitter, and bitterness and fun cannot co-exist. 
Long run today....sort of.  I have to do 8.  I would prefer my longer run, but my BFF was insistent that I cut back today since the half is Saturday.  I will do 8.  Maybe it will be nice to do a shorter run.  I plan to row a little tonight too.  At least it is warmer today than it was on Friday.  Yikes that was a cold run.  There is less pressure with this run.  That is nice at least.  I need to come up with a plan for post half marathon.  I don't know what I plan to do each week for running.  I mean I know that my BFF and I will run on Wed and Fri but what will I do on Sat?  I don't want to lose my long runs, but the winter is closing in.  Can I really handle running when it is freezing outside?  Not sure.  I think I have picked my full marathon for next year.  I think.  I am a bit nervous.  Will I actually commit to it?  I don't know.  I will do my normal race and the Patrick Henry half that I did this year and both local trail race, of course, but the thought of the marathon looms over me.  What to do.  I definitely want to trail run more next year. That is a must!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to say that I am amazed by the amount of hours dedicated to football each Sat and Sun and we as a society wonder why it is going down the toilet.  It is clear who we idolize.  So sad. We have bigger problems than we think.  That is apparent and something this election can never fix. 
I always take the kids to vote and then we hit McDonald's for dinner.  It has become a tradition for us.  I want the kids to understand politics and understand the importance of voting.

Halloween

When you are a mom who does not take the kids trick or treating, Halloween is a pretty lonely holiday.  It is not like I can do go something I might want to do.  I have to sit by the door.  I am just sitting here doing nothing and bored.  I am pretty stuffed so I cannot eat out of boredom.  I just sit her doing nothing but watch TV which I loathe for the most part.  I know that sounds odd considering my profession but it is true.  Today was a horrible day.  It started out really well.  My BFF and I killed it running our 4 miles this am.  Then when I got home, it started from there and just got worse as the day went on.  Honestly, I did not even want to come home.  I wanted to stay at work as awful as that was.  At least there, though, no one was there so I could hide out and be alone.  Well, one of my co-workers was there working, but she is one of my favorites.  We are very similar in very different ways and very different in similar ways.  Only she would really understand what the means.  It makes sense for us.  I am hoping for a better day tomorrow.  We will see!  Cannot be worse!

Running

Today's run was long.  I got through it amazingly enough.  2 hours and 11 minutes.  It was at least 13 and a half miles.  I feel good, though.  I am exhausted but happy that I got through it.  I am a bit wind burned from the wind from Sandy which amuses me. 
My hubby does not really understand yesterday's blog.  I get it.  Unless you are me, it is tough to understand.  I think for me, it is knowing that the woman I want to be is not worried about a schedule and how its lack of it will affect me and is not so bitter.  I spend so much time being bitter.  My mother was bitter.  I don't want to be bitter, but it is the bitterness and terror that constantly drives me.  Why can I not let either go.  Both are exhausting.  That 20-30 minutes yesterday when I was not bitter or terrified was so nice and peaceful and I felt great and for the first time probably ever, I was not thinking about food or my next meal or when I could get away with eating again.  I loved that feeling.  I want it back.  Carrying the bitterness is no way to live.  It has held my mother hostage for almost her entire life. 
On a rerun on Oprah today, the gentleman said that when you are doing what you were truly meant to do, you are engaged and at peace and happy.  I know running is one thing that I was truly meant to do.  I may be exhausted and hurting while I am doing it, but I am at peace and happy and feel in balance.  I think part of the reason I was on the verge of a constant panic attack last week was because I missed my long run.  I simply need it.  It nourishes me in a way that nothing else can.  I love what it does for my body too.  I never thought my legs would ever look like this.  My mother always made an issue of my fat thighs and told me that in my cheerleading skirts people would say to me, "thunder thighs."  I never thought that I would love my legs.  It is the long runs.  I look at my legs and I am amazed and thankful and just want to run more.  I find that the rowing and running is a deadly combination.   

That woman....I got a glimpse today

This am I got the glimpse of that woman I want to be, the one who I see in my mind every day and want to strive to be.  Most days, she eludes me.  I know who she is and what she does and what says and how she deals with almost every situation, but most the time, I cannot find the strength or power or voice to be here.  Don't get me wrong.  She is not perfect, but she is the person I want to be.  This morning, she was with me and closer than ever.  I was she.  I know it is a fleeting thing and she will just be back to sitting in my mind later and I will be wishing I could be her again, but today she was closer than ever.  I am hoping that means that I will be who she is more and more and can maybe quiet down the fears and anxiety and terror that I live with every moment of my life.  She is so peaceful and happy and not afraid.  I want that.  I have been depressed lately and I really believe now that I feel like it is waning a bit that it was caused by this transition of knowing what the right thing to do is in most instances but not being able to do them out of fear and terror.  Terror....my hubby will probably be sad when he learns that I live with terror in my mind each and every day which is why I keep such a tight grip of control.  Yes, it is terror that circles my mind almost every moment of my life.  When you live in terror all of the time, the only thing you are constantly doing is protecting yourself, of course.  She does not live in terror.  She is able to love freely and say "what the hell" and make a mess and not be afraid of it.  This am for just a few moments, I was that person.  I hope I find similar moments tomorrow.  If I can steal more and more of them, then maybe I will be become that person. 

A trip to the beach and panic all day

I got back Thurs from a work trip to the beach.  I work with lovely people, but being in a house with them for 4 days straight was wearing.  I enjoyed spending time with most of them, but I was ready to come home.   Coming home on a Thursday made Friday a very long day.  I was (and still am in some ways) emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting.  I am still recovering.  I am hoping to recover enough that I can at least get a 10 miler in tomorrow.  I would like to do 14-15 but I do not believe that is in the cards based on my level of exhaustion.  I rowed this am.  We got a rowing machine for the house.  It is nice.  I have not really rowed in weeks so I am definitely feeling it, but in a good way.  Hopefully this will get me the long, lean body I want. 
All day long today I have been on the verge of a panic attack.  Keep in mind that I had one this am as my daughter and I dug my hubby's Ipod out of his work bag.  I have been on the verge of one ever since too.  I am not sure why I am on edge so much today.  It is wearing on me and making me more tired.  I only had one panic attack at the beach.  Fortunately, I was alone and in the shower.  I just sat down to deal.  I am still weeks away from getting the therapy thing wrapped up so it will be some time before I pinpoint why I am so anxious all of the time.  I am ready for them to end.  I never know when one will strike and fortunately, they seem to be isolated to when I am mostly alone or in the house.  I refuse to be an agoraphobic and hang around the house waiting for one.  I know to sit down should one start coming on.  I can usually get through it then without incident. 
I feel ready now to take this health thing all the way.  I was always on the cusp before.  I feel ready to really continue the running this winter provided it is not too cold and I feel ready to go back to healthy eating and regular cross training with the rowing.  Winter always seems to be my best time. I  am hoping that this year is no different.  I am tired of feeling fat. Yes, I know I am not fat.  I am not even close to being overweight, but I feel fat and am tired of it. I want to feel how I look.  I feel that way closer to 130. 
I cannot believe that Halloween is almost here.  Time is flying by.  I hope it continues.  I hate that I spend so much time wishing time away, but I want spring to be here.  I want the flowers to be blooming and to hear the birds chirping in the am.  That is my time.  I do not understand folks who like the fall.  Life is dying.  Why would anyone like that time?  You like death?  I get that it is cyclical, but seriously, spring is the best time.  It is about rebirth and life and everything coming to life and finding its beauty.  Who cannot get on board with that? 

Stress is when

you wake up and realize that you were never asleep but still going through a nightmare.  These last few days have been interesting to say the least.  I have staved off all panic attacks as they have started to come on, but the feeling of one coming on is sometimes more than I can take.  My stress level has been extraordinarily high these last 24 hours . I keep thinking that it will be a miracle if I make it to Monday not having had a nervous break down.  The crazy thing in all of the this is that I am sleeping better than ever.  I have slept through the night for the last 2 out of 4 days and the other two days, I slept at least 5 hours before I even woke up.  I only sleep about 6-6.5 hours a night so it is not like it is long, long stretches of sleep, but it hardly ever happens to me.  Trying to get into to therapy has been a show.  I am just trying to take every moment as just that moment.  It seems to help keep the panic attacks from taking over.  I am also not allowing my mind to wander so much which is something that definitely helps.  I need a run.  A long run by myself.  I am terrified that I am swimming down into the depths of depression again.  That possibility has always scared me.  I have so much more at stake now that I did back then.  Plus, I love being a happy person.  It is so much more fulfilling than being miserable.  I am scared to death.  I feel out of control.  I know that I toe that line of sanity versus insanity all of the time.  I am just way closer to the other side now that I normally feel comfortable with.  I keep wondering how close I am going to get to it and if I will end up on the other side. 
My husband would be surprised to read this but in some ways I feel like my marriage is falling apart.  We do not understand one another.  I am not sure that we can bridge that gap between us.  I love him and I think he loves me, but is that enough?  We keep circling back around the same things with little changing every time we go over it.  The only thing that happens is that we rehash what we already know.  I always seem to want more so what is it that I am missing.  What is that piece?  My mind is not linear these days.  That scares me.  I cannot resolve anything if my mind is not linear, right? I am not taking care of myself either which is unlike me.  I am not going to the gym as regularly as I should.  That is killing me.  I just end up feeling fat and beating myself up about it all day.  I don't want to feel like this.  I want to feel happy and free and powerful.  My fears are taking over and it terrifies me.   

My life in two parts

In some ways I feel like I have lived life in two parts.  The life I enjoy now and everything else before it.  I know people change over time, but very few things about me are the same as they were 15 years ago.  It is no wonder I hate the wedding dress that I picked out when I was 21.  I sit here these days so confused about so many things and on the constant verge of panic attack, and I never know when the panic attack will hit.  It typically hits in the shower in the am when my mind is wandering.  The other day it happened as I drove my kids to school.  One day it happened on the way to work.  I do not allow it stop me or make me agoraphobic as it did my mother.  If I need to, I will pull over while driving and park the car until it subsides.  If I need to, I will sit down in the shower which is what I did yesterday.  It will not rule my life. 
I don't know if I am bringing on bad karma by not speaking to my mother.  I find that part of my life so confusing.  It is not like we had a deep meaningful relationship ever.  I am trying to figure out if this situation bothers me so much now because 1. I fear the bad karma.  2.  I feel like I am really missing something.  3.  It is the guilt of being a "bad daughter" who "hates" her mother.  (that is what I know my mother is telling friends now.)  4.  I am sad because I have finally acknowledged that my relationship with my mother will never what many mother/daughter relationships are.  5.  It is hard to truly intellectualize that you will not likely ever really talk to your mother again.  It goes against everything ingrained in us from the start of our lives.  I find it all so confusing.  I don't know what it is. 
One thing I do know is that running is an outlet I desperately need.  I want to run mountains now not just hills.  I want to run a marathon.  I just want to run.  I went to Jason yesterday and while he fully thinks that I can do the marathon in 5 weeks, I am going to wait until next year to really attack that goal.  Jason is amazing.  He makes you feel like you can conquer the world.  I am sore from PT yesterday and all we did was an adjustment.  There were no exercises added outside of what I normally do.  It is the left glute weakness causing the problems on the left side.  He will add some strength training next week for it.  I am ready.  I want to run further and faster so I am thankful for his skill. 
Tomorrow is a long run with my BFF.  I am hoping no rain!

First trail race

And I totally bit at one point.  Since it was trail, though, the fall was not too bad.  My hands got a little scratched up.  I had a freaking blast and would do it all over again.  It was easily one of the toughest challenges I have ever done as a runner considering that it was almost complete trail and 8 miles, but I would love to do it again next week.  It made me feel so powerful and strong.  I ran it with my BFF and our time was 1:30:14 which considering that it has just rained the night before and there was a lot of forced walking on rocks and such, I do not believe that is too bad.  I am appropriately tired, but nothing other than my foot hurts.  My IT band was acting towards the latter part, but it feels fine now.  The stretching and rolling all week has clearly helped.  I feel like I can do the half.  I do not believe that with the IT band acting up, the marathon is a good idea this year, but next year, it is on.  I am mentally ready.  I am totally talking my BFF into this race again next year.  Trail running more fun than I had ever expected or imagined.  I did not think I was missing much, but as it turns out, I was missing out on a lot.  Loads of fun.  I think my BFF and I will add a trail run into our workouts every once in a while.  Just loads of fun!!  I actually said that I cannot wait to see where I am sore tomorrow. 
I am happy that the IT band is not too bad. I hit on that knee when I fell so I thought for sure that it would start really yelling at me, but it waited until closer to the end and it has been ok today.  I am getting ready to stretch now.  I see Jason on Tues so hopefully he can help fix me further. 
I need to get the eating under control.  Godiva dessert truffles and pumpkin ice cream are awesome and all, but they are not going to help me get to my weight goal, and I really want to get to my weight goal.  After running the race today, I feel like I could do anything so I feel like I can lose those last 8 pounds. The time is right.  Just how I feel. 

I am finally going crazy. It has finally hit.

Scary, but it is true.  It is finally here.  I knew it was coming and here is it is.
I am changing my dishes.  I hate my dishes.  Hate them.  I picked out my every day dishes when I was 23.  I picked out the same dishes that my parents used my entire lifetime.  My freaking grandmother used them.  When my mother saw that I registered for the same pattern she had, she bought me everything.  I mean everything.  I have more dishes than I know what to do with in my life.  I have probably 30 place settings, the gravy boat, the creamer (no one in my house drinks coffee,) the sugar container, the deep dishes, the soup bowls, the pitcher, etc, etc.  They make it I have it.  She went nuts.  I like to think she was trying to be kind hoping I would never have to spend another $ on dishes again, but I was 23.  My tastes have changed quite a bit and frankly, I think I just picked out a pattern then because I was so depressed and beaten down and it was easy.  I hate them now.  I broke on a few months ago and after the shock of it hitting the ground, it felt amazing.  I taking out some dishes and smashing them to pieces.  I will donate the others.  It will help a lot of folks who need dishes, trust me.  There are freaking some in the attic.  I will be donating them for years, but they are going.  I am finding something more me.  I realized last night that I spend so much time worrying about everyone else and what everyone else thinks of me and how I look and act and if I am a good friend, wife, mother, co-worker, boss, work out partner, and daughter.  It is EXHAUSTING.  Exhausting.  No wonder I am so tired all of the time.  It is draining.  I am worrying about me.  Screw the stress over worrying about everything else.  I kept these dishes for the last 5 years even though I hated them as I climbed out of a 20 year depression.  I felt guilty.  I felt like I would offend my mother since she had bought so many of them.  I felt it was wasteful.  I felt my mother would judge me.  I don't care today.  They will go to a good home so there will be little waste other than the plates I smash to bits, and as far as offending my mother, I no longer care.  I want dishes that make me happy and make me smile when I see them.  I am tired of hating them when I see them.  I don't want life to be just good enough or acceptable.  I want more than that.  That is the basis for my problems in my marriage and the basis for these episodes I keep having.  I had another one today.  I thought it was low blood pressure, but one hit today as I was dropping my son off at school.  I was thinking about my mother-in-law and her $ she is getting from my husband's dad.  It took me to another place that I can no longer recall and suspect enters my mind each time I feel lightheaded as though I am about to pass out.  Having it happen while driving freaked me out for obvious reasons, but it let me know that these are panic attacks I am having.  Something is triggering them.  I can no longer remember what my thoughts were when it hit, but I realized that I need to start doings things to work on my happiness (within in the scope of my kids, of course, because they come first and should come first.)  I am staring with the small change, my dishes.  I have spent the last 28 years feeding myself with food to fill up the emptiness I feel each and every day.  I tie it all up, the stress, the overeating, the sadness, and the loneliness and put a bow on it and hold onto it so tight.  It is enough.  Piece by piece, I can untie it and get rid of it and just let it go.  So today it is my dishes.  We may be eating on paper plates for a while, but I do not care.  I want those dishes gone....

Out of my routine

And it is killing me.  Slowly I am becoming less of the person I was.  I miss running terribly.  I do 8 on Sat.  Hopefully that will bring some relief.  Tomorrow my life gets more back to normal, thank goodness.  I have an appt with Jason, the awesome PT, on Tuesday.  That will further bring some relief.  I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about my mother and my hubby.  The funny thing is that it is this book that I am reading that I almost stopped reading that has gotten me thinking about both.  As far as my mother goes, I can try desperately to have a relationship with her.  I can, but the problem is that the only relationship she will allow is one on her terms.  That would be ok for a normal person, but she is anything but normal.  She has to control and manipulate and bribe.  I spent 36 years playing her games and letting her control and bribe and manipulate me all so I could feel her love and approval.  It was so exhausting.  The end result was always the same.  She was never satisfied.  I never got her love or her approval or even her appreciation.  I always felt less than.  I have finally given up.  I used to go the superficial route and just call her every other week and keep it light.  I don't even have the strength to do that any more.  That facade is exhausting and frankly, hearing my mother say that all she has left is her privacy is more than I can bear.  The implication of that statement is that we (my siblings and I) have taken everything from her so I am stopping the taking.  I want no more.  Well, that is a lie.  I want a normal relationship with my mother, one full of love and appreciation for the woman I have become, but I know now that I will never get that with her no matter how hard I try, and I am tired of trying.  I just do not have the strength to push forward any more.  Life is short and I have spent so much time worrying about how she would view me and what I could do to gain more favor.  The truth is nothing works.  Play her games or you are out of favor.
The problem is that my mother problems have a major affect on my relationship with my husband.  I am so afraid of heartbreak that I will not allow myself to be loved because who can love a girl when her own other cannot love her, right?  Because I am waiting for my hubby to leave me, I keep pushing him away and holding back from committing 100%.  This constant battle has a major impact on my life.  Any issue that comes up is a major problem rather than just a minor slight.  How do I fix that?  I am working on it, but it so out of control at times.  I don't know what to do or how to fix it and it is all wrapped up in one big confusing piece in my mind.  What so I do?  I am so worried that this will completely impact my marriage and ruin it.  How do I open myself up and stop protecting so much.  I need to find the hole in my heart that forces me to hold back.  I am just so afraid he will stop loving me and what do I do if that happens?  How will I survive? 

Disappointment sets in

My run was awesome.  Ave pace was 9:33 per mile which is 11 seconds under my last two averages. I was feeling awesome.  Weather was low 60's and PERFECT.  About mile 8 I can feel my left IT band tightening.  First let me say that going into this run my right hamstring was tight so I knew that there would likely be some pulling on the left to make up for the right.  I had no clue it would hit my IT band.  I had to stop running at little short of mile 11 because the pain was getting unbearable and I know from past experience that you do not run through IT band pain.  I had to walk home.  I am so frustrated because I was killing it today and ready for a 2 and a half hour run.  I was even thinking maybe just maybe I could stretch to 3 hours the following week and maybe just maybe see if I could run/walk the full marathon in Nov.  Instead I am heading back to my primary care physician tomorrow in hopes that he sends me back to Jason, the best physical therapist I have ever known.  Jason got me through the last set of problems and got me running again.  I firmly believe he helped me mentally and physically run the last half marathon.  I just want to nip this problem before it really gets going and I end up with a slipped disk and in horrible pain again.  Jason can do that for me.  I am also frustrated because I am doing everything from previous physical therapy.  Maybe not every day but at least every other day.  I know I should stretch every day that I run.  Maybe that is what is missing?  I always do a long run on Fridays and Friday is my day off from stretching.  I guess that I need to change that.  I am semi freaking out.  What if this gets worse?  What if I cannot continue long runs through this?  I was just really finding my groove with the long runs.  It is not an easy feat to run for over 2 hours once a week.  It messes with your mind going into it. You start to dread that day of the long run and then you start to dread the evening prior.  Well, I had just overcome that.  I was excited to run last week and this week.  I was ready to face the challenge.  This am, I welcomed the challenge, and then this happened.  Of course I am disappointed.  I ran 8 miles on Friday.  I was finally starting to really feel like a runner, and I so want to be a runner.  I love running.  It frees me.  It frees my mind and my soul.  Lorraine Moller, a runner and winner in the 92 Olympics said that "running is my meditation, mind flush, cosmic telephone, mood elevator, and spiritual communion."  I don't know if every runner feels that way about running, but I do.  I especially identify with the meditation and mind flush part.  I work through so many problems when I am running.  I often get my best ideas when running.  Part of the reason I needed stress therapy last year was that my mind was too cluttered when running.  I could not work through a thing.  (Sorry my daughter is sitting here coloring and singing.  I might pee in my pants laughing it is so cute.)  So distracted now.  She is just going on and on...
Anyways, I need running and I need the long distances.  I need it for my mind and soul but also for my body.  Significant changes come with distance running.  Had I known that years ago, I would have ditched my regular 5k's and focused on the longer runs.  I don't want to lose those changes.  I love them.  I have lost about 5 pounds, but it is more than the weight.  It is the way I look.  I look longer and leaner and I finally have the bump out at the top of my thigh from the muscles there that I always wanted.  I absolutely do not want to lose that.  I am hoping Jason can fix me and if the doc does not want to send me to Jason, well, then I am hoping that his recommendation can fix what I have going on now.  I just know that I cannot and should not run through IT band problems.  So here I sit with a thermacare wrap on my left knee.  I will walk funny up and downstairs for a few days.  I just hope that my 8 mile run Sat goes well and I can make it through.  I plan to row this week anyways so hopefully that help my problem some.  Rowing seems to stretch out my back and legs which ultimately should help the IT.  Stupid IT band.  Best run in a long time and that thing has to ruin it.  I was killing it and at a 9:40 (even if I had slowed down at the end) I would have likely gone 15 miles before I stopped.  I was mentally and physically ready.  It was like all of the stars had aligned...well, all the stars but the one for my body anyways....

Next race

Why is it that you finish a race and your mind is already working on the next one.  I have my first trail run on the 29th.  It is only an 8 miler which is nothing for me, but I am excited to do a trail run.  Then I have the next half in early November.  I am not looking forward to that cold am, but I am looking forward to running.  For some reason I am having recovery issues after long runs.  I did not recover well Sunday.  I was dog tired all day.  It was terrible.  Nothing helped.  I keep wondering what am I doing wrong.  Then yesterday am, I had to lay down twice because the feeling like I was going to pass out overcame me.  Something is not right so what is it?  What am I doing wrong?  I am young;  I should be able to weather these runs no problem.  A good friend keeps telling me she thinks it is iron.  I am not sure.  I need to think about it more and change a few things in my diet and see what helps.  It worries me a bit...  I just want to be strong and run well.  My dream and ultimate goal right now is to run 15 miles all at once.  I would love to do it before the year is out and the weather turns too cold for my blood.  So what is my goal next year?  The big 20.  To even think about running 20 miles...wow.  I can do it, though.  I figure it will take 4 hours.  I want to do it and I can do it.  I just need to find the time.  Ultimately, I am ready.  Who ever thought I would feel that way?  I am worried that I will lose strength and tone in my legs over the winter.  That is what drives me to keep running through the winter.  I hope I can do it.  The cold chills me to the core.  I hate it....
I feel in some ways like the hubby and I are turning a corner, but I am not sure exactly what is around the corner, truth be told.  I keep hoping it is good stuff.  I think it is.  Life is scary.  Very scary and loving someone is one of the most terrifying things you can do.  I don't mean loving your kids.  That is the easy part.  Loving your spouse or partner is the scary thing.  It terrifies me.  I always say that these days I am rallying against that which I fear.  Hell, I rode Mach Tower and the Griffon all by myself.  I even ran a half marathon alone--trained for it alone too.  Love, though, I treat differently.  It seems like I feel ok to retreat from it.  Go figure.  I need to work on that one.  I live in fear of losing that love all of the time.  Why is that and what does that ultimately say about me?  I need to figure that one out too. 
So this weekend is 2 hours and 15 minutes.  I felt great this past weekend as I was running.  But not for some new pain in my right foot at the top, I would have done the full 2 hours and 15 minutes.  As it was, I did 2 hours and 9 minutes.  It felt great when I was running.  I felt strong and unstoppable.  I hope that feeling persists during this weekend.  I want to be ready!

Continuation of my mind and why it is warped.

Yes, yesterday's blog was just scratching the service.  It is the truth.  Most daughters have mother issues, but my issues border on emotional abuse.  It has taken my a long, long time to realize that.  I had a therapist tell me that once when I was 18.  I dropped him like a sack of dirt after that one session.  I was a not ready to hear it.  I still remember his words.  "It sounds like you have a controlling, emotional bully."  He had some other not so nice words.  I wish I had stayed with him now.  My college education might have turned out differently if I had. 
Anyways, today's theme is why I really ran the half marathon.  I will get to that in a minute, but first I will address how my world closed in just as it got going.  When I was thinking about the kind of life I wanted and the kind of person I wanted to be, my options were limited.  When you are young, you identify the kind of adult you want to be by deciding what career path to follow.  When I expressed my interests to my mother as a child teenage, or young adult, I got some interesting responses.  Very early on, I wanted to be an actress.  I was told that was a hard life and not to pursue it.  I was told this despite the fact that my mother had a friend in the entertainment biz and that woman was hot to trot to put me in plays.  As I got older, my interests changed.  I wanted to be a meteorologist for the longest time.  I was told that they make no money and I would never get a job so I let go of that dream.  A little later, I said that I wanted to work for the FBI (which would have been perfect considering my gift in emotional intelligence.)  That was met with "You will never get a job.  It is really hard to get one. You have to know someone."  Finally I gave up and decided to be a doctor which was she wanted.  I knew that kind of schooling was not for me.  I got to college and gave up that idea.  I went through major after major and expressed interest in a myriad of majors.  I could not go into government which I loved because according to her, what would do I?  What kind of job would I get with that?  Nothing so I could not do that.  I expressed an interesting in the business school.  Nope again.  Why?  Because my brother for a bachelor's in business management and was working at a rental car place so that was not good.  That was cut off for me too.   So my world got smaller and smaller at a point where it should have been growing bigger and bigger.    Her whole deal the whole time was that getting these jobs was hard work.  The irony of all of it is that I never shy away from hard work.  Quite the opposite.  It enriches me.  (The thrill of giving birth for me is not the thrill of the baby so much--not at the moment anyways, it is the thrill of knowing that I worked as hard as I did to get that baby out!)  Hard work makes me work better so had I been able to open my world up, who knows what I really would have accomplished or what doors I would have opened up for myself.  The sad thing is that I never got to try to find out.  AND just to go on record, I would have made one kick@ss accountant. 
So why did I run the half?  I ran the half because training for it and actually doing it was hard work.  Honestly, getting through the rain that day on a 13.1 mile run was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I knew that I would never stop running that race no matter what happened, no matter what pain cropped up, and no matter how tired I got.  My mother wanted to close my world in.  At this point in my life, I want to open up what is left for me to open at my age.  That is why I have to run a full marathon.  I have to draw in the hard work.  She took those moments away from me.  She told me not to bother because it was too hard.  I am not afraid of too hard, Mom.  I never have been and never will be.  You are.  I am sorry that you are.  You gave up a long time ago.  I know that now.  Nothing is left in you.  It died a long, long time ago before I was born.  I am not afraid to try.  Trying is the base of hope, and I always have hope. 

Let's think about this

I was either in a really bad mood today or I was in a mood to totally and completely TCB today.  I did get a lot done today.  There was just a bunch of crappy little things to get done today.  Typical Monday....
Anyways, I have been thinking a lot about my mother and how my hubby says that as he learns more about how I was raised, it fills in another piece of the puzzle.  The thing my hubby finds most ridiculous is my fear he will cheat on me.  I have been thinking a lot about its origins.  My mother definitely made it very clear to us growing up that a woman had to be part Pam Anderson and part Jessica Rabbit in order for a man to find her desirable.  If you were not the picture perfect, sexy, and alluring woman, a man would have little time for you.  It was made clear to me at a young who the beauty in my family was and that men pined after my sister because of her giant breasts.  Looking back, my mother clearly had issues with her own boobs which is why she was obsessed with my sister's.  My mother is very small in the chest.  My sister is large boobed and a petite woman.  I was prior to my surgery, not small, but since I am a larger woman, I was more well proportioned.  My mother cleared was never satisfied with her size; thus, she was obsessed with my sister's boobs from the start.  Anyways, my sister was made to be this raving beauty which with the way my mother fawned over how beautiful she was, well, it only told me one thing as I did not get the same message from my mother.  It told me that I was the ugly one.  As a result, I have felt ugly my whole life.  It still surprises me when a man looks my way or smiles at me or uses some cheesy pick up line on me.  I want to think I am beautiful, but I just do not.  I probably never will.  The message of ugliness has been reinforced my entire life.  Late circumstances did not help.  The weight did not help.  As a young child, I was maybe 5-10 pounds overweight, but my mother insisted I was fat.  I remember when I was 9-10 years old and growing breasts that she asked my sister, "Do you think she has breasts because she is fat?"  I still remember that over 25 years later.  Looking back, I was not fat at all.  I was bigger than my mother and sister who are both very petite, but have been 5 ft 7 inches tall since I was 12.  I was never destined to be a small woman.  My mother would compare me to Brook Shields who she said had to be super thin or she looked fat and that she was large boned so she just always looked fat and that her thighs always looked huge.  My mother used that to tell me that I had to be thinner.  I got thinner in the 10th grade, but that was short lived.  When I got to college and got severely depressed, I gained about 30 pounds.  I lost some of it the summer after my freshman year, but then it went up from there.  Every time I saw my mother, I could read the disappointment on her face.  She would make comments like, "Well, you just look heavy all over."  My wedding dress was a disaster.  When I went to get my dress, I ended up crying the dressing room.  She wanted to order it a size smaller because as she told the sales person, "Every bride loses weight before her wedding."  It was terrible.  I did not lose weight.  Rather I gained another 15 and my dress did not fit.  That was another debacle.  Rather than comforting me and saying, "hey, let's go get another dress--not like this one was expensive," she took it as another way to punish me and was mean.  The irony and I guess the hurt now is that I thought she would be happy.  Here I am thin and pretty thin.  Not a word about my weight ever.  I guess I should be happy I am not criticized, right.  She always made such a deal about how thin my sister was.  Now not one thing about me and by the way, I am thinner sister now...but that matters little to her now. 
The other thing Lucy made sure to do was to tell us how smart we were but in the same discussion tell us that some classes were too hard to take for us.  What do you think that tells teenagers?  It tells that you are lying and that you are telling them falsehoods just to take it back later and pretty much destroying every piece of confidence they may have had in themselves.  I did not expect her to tell me how wonderful I am.  I just did not want to hear that I was brilliant one moment but then too stupid for something 10 minutes later.  I was essentially criticized my entire life and every compliment was either a backhanded compliment with some dig later or taken back by being told the exact opposite thing later.  There was always an agenda with her.  If I did something great, well, someone else before had done it so it was not a big deal.
So there it is.  There is the part of the story.  Why would anyone want to be with me?  I am getting older.  What good looks I do have, they are fading and they are fading fast.  I will no longer be attractive so if a man only wants Pam Anderson or Jessica Rabbit, well, he is leaving me sooner rather than later.  If a man wants someone smart, well, he will not get that with me.  I am kind of dumb about things.  Yes, I know people.  That is my talent.  I read into their wants and desires so I know their motivations immediately.  That talent comes from my innate lack of trust.  Not necessarily a good thing. 
Ultimately now I live a life she cannot understand so it is wrong and she cannot bear to think for two seconds that maybe it is right for me.  Why because it is not the life she planned for me.  Talk about projection.  She felt ugly so she wanted me to feel that way too.  She felt dumb and unaccomplished so she wanted me to feel dumb and unaccomplished too.  She trusts no one so she wanted me to trust no one.  Mom, you did a good job.  You fulfilled your plan.  I am all of those things--at least, I constantly fight them.  That is why I think I am undeserving for my hubby to love me and stay with me.  Who would want to stay with an ugly, stupid, distrustful person. When will my hubby realize that I have this facade of fabulous with nothing behind it.  Mom, you were the one who taught me that all of it is a facade and it does not really exist.  How am I to believe otherwise.  As I run my butt off every week (literally) when will I ever get the good job or I really appreciate what you have done?  Somehow I remain undeserving which makes me feel undeserving of a lot of things including my hubby's love...but it extends out elsewhere.  My friends, my children....obviously my parents..... 

And back to your regularly scheduled long run....

I am back to the long runs.  This am was nice and cool.  I have not done a long run in 2 weeks so it was not easy.  I had to push quite a bit.  The areas around my knees are nice and sore.  It amazes me that in just two weeks, I lost leg strength.  I have another long run next weekend so hopefully the transition back to long runs will be quick.  I am so tired of everyone asking me if I am doing a marathon.  Trying to explain to folk how unfair it is to tell my hubby and kids that I am going to be out running for 5 hours on a Sat or Sun gets tiring.  Maybe it is ok for them to tell their families that.  It is not ok for me.  I work full time.  As it is, I see my kids so rarely, I feel.  Although after today, rarely would be too much.  I don't know why we hit the crazy button at the store this am or why my son is so negative, but it is about to make me crazy.  I am tired.  I think I took a nap earlier.  If I did, it was not very restful.  I definitely lost some time as I laid down in bed, but I do not feel like I slept.  Strange. 
As I was running today, I was thinking about last fall and how much has changed for my physically since then.  Part of the reason I left the half marathon off of my New Year's Resolution list was because I was not sure if I would be able to run more than a few miles at a time as of Dec 31, 2011.  I was recovering from estrogen dominance and a slipped disk that laid me out for days.  That day that the disk slipped will go down as one of the worst days of my life.  Talk about pain.  The pain was unlike anything I had ever felt before and hope to never feel again.  Then when I tried running again, my calf burned so much that I limped for days after just a few miles.  I never thought that I could regularly run 2 hours+.  What a difference a year makes. Now that the school year has set in, I am no longer so depressed.  I bought a nice pair of running gloves today.  That makes thinking about running in the cold a little easier.  This Wed is supposed to be 54.  My BFF and I will run.  I am borderline on wearing my ear cover.  I wish that I could get a few days of low 60's.  That would be ideal.  This am was gorgeous and perfect. 
I overate at dinner so I feel ill.  I knew I was overeating as I finished the burger.  I should have stopped there.  I feel ill now.  Let that be a lesson to me.  Listen to your body....

Summer is ending.

How depressing.  No more trips to the water park.  It has closed until 2013.  I already miss the hot humid days which is funny because most folks would say that today was hot and humid.  This am, though, there was a crispness that was new.  You can feel fall closing in.  I will say that I will not miss the 74/75 degree 2 hour runs.  It will be much more comfortable doing long runs in the cooler ams.  I will not come home like a complete sweat ball.  I do make one request, though, a nice stretch of cool but not cold ams are ideal.  This past spring, it went from mid 40's to upper 60's in all of two weeks.  If I could get a long stretch of low 60's and mid 50's,  I would appreciate it very much.
I feel ready to tackle my challenge of finally getting down to 125.  I was at 132.5 this am.  I don't know what has changed.  I think my focus.  I feel ready to be the best version of myself and I think that the 125 Tiffy is going to be part of the best version of me.  There are other things, of course, that will make me the best version, but fitness speaking, I think that 125 pounds will do a lot for me.  I have a trail run later this month and I am very much looking forward to it.  I have never done a trail run before so I am quite excited.  In Nov, I have the next half marathon.  I plan to me a total me 5k in early Oct.  There is a local farm that has a pumpkin 5k run through a pumpkin patch.  How perfect is that for me!  During my half marathon, I fulfilled my desire to run through or by miles of farmland.  I did it and it was as beautiful as I thought it would be.  The pumpkin patch will be awesome!
We have a busy fall ahead and I am focusing on that so I do not get too depressed.  I am already looking forward to my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving.  I drink all am and then make a rice krispy treat turkey.  I will post a pick next year. It was loads of fun in 2011.  I hope it will be as fun in 2012.  Of course, I did that while cooking Thanksgiving dinner too.  It was just a load of fun!
I am looking forward to this weekend's run.  It will be the first long run since the half.  I am excited for it.  I thought I would be relieved that they were over when the half was over.  Little did I know that I would miss them and I would sign up for another half.  15 miles, here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time

I guess part of my issue is where did the time go.  One day I was young and in high school land just enjoying life.  The next day I was old with two small kids and a husband and a very busy life.  Where did the time go?  I feel like I missed the time in between.  More to the point, I wasted the time in between.  I just feel that weighing on me so heavily right.  I wonder why I cannot shake it off.  I spent the best time of my life being miserable and fat.  Now I am just old.  I am living life as I should now and if I could shake this feeling that is weighing me down, I could and would probably be pretty happy, but I cannot shake this feeling that time is staring me down...and that it is winning.  Does that mean that death is coming sooner than I expect?
The idea of a marathon is getting bigger and bigger.  I want it more.  I do not believe that this the right year so I am thinking 2013.  I think November 2013 and just pray that that day is not too cold or wet at all.  This am's run was tough.  I was worn down from all of the activity yesterday and the heat of this am.  It was hot and more humid than hell.  I made it 4.53 in 41 minutes so not too bad and I am pretty sure of my calibration today so I feel like that time was reasonable.  Tomorrow my BFF and I will attempt our trail run again.  I don't think it is going to happen. It will be too wet from the rain today and tonight, but we will try again.  Honestly, I would probably be thankful for a break from the running.  If we get rained out, I will just do a walk in the am.  I can feel my body getting more and more worn down.  I do miss my longer run, though.  Today would have been hell for it, though, as hot and humid as it was.  Next week, the long run is back.  At this point, I just want to be the best version of myself I can be. I want to be hot and fit and a good mom and a good wife and learn to let go of that regret I constantly feel.  Who would think that in my mid-thirties, I would have so much regret?  In your teens, you think you will live forever and feel like you are in your teens forever.  For me, in my twenties, I felt tied down by life.  I had to live a certain life with certain expectations so I forced myself into titanium shackles.  Only in my later thirties have I felt freer, but in some ways, I feel like it is too late to get that youthful feeling back.  Too late in so many ways, and I hate every second of it.  Every freaking second of it.
A large part of it is the fall is weighing on me.  I have a hard time looking past the short, cold days that lie ahead.  The winters feel so long. 
My son worries me a good deal.  I see such seriousness on his face all of the time like he is contemplating his next move and how it will "fix" something or someone.  I carried that burden for so long.  I hate it for him.  I see so few moments that he enjoys or smiles or laughs.  One night at dinner, he was cracking up like crazy and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world to see him so light and free and happy.  I do not want him to be me.  I want him to be freer and more able to enjoy his life and youth and not weigh himself down with worries about everyone and everything.  So the question becomes, how do I fix that?  How do I make him a lighter freer child, a child who only worries about now and not 10 steps ahead like he does?  So much time is wasted on worrying about the future.  I just want him to think about now.  I see that so few and far between.   He is just like his mom in so many ways. 

Having a hard time

I having a really hard time these days dealing with how I treated myself and my hubby back in my 20's.  I just did not take care of myself nor did I really love and take care of him.  So sad.  I am trying so hard to take that knowledge and turn it into a cautionary tale by which I make the most of life now, but it is weighing me down.  I missed out on so much.  We missed out on so much.  Plus, my body is reaping the results of that time of my life.  I hate it.  I could have been so much more and I could be so much more now had I taken better care of myself...had I just cared a little. 
Now that the half is over and I am moving onto the next challenge, I am wondering if maybe I should do a full marathon.  There is only 10 weeks, I think until the full marathon here.  I do not believe that is enough time to train to double my distance.  That is what is keeping me from going full force with it.  I am thinking maybe I should just work on my half marathon time and stick with the half that weekend.  I am just praying it does not rain that day.  I can handle the cold or the rain if it is warm, but I cannot handle the cold and rain and it is going to be cold here then for sure.  I am doing a trail run tomorrow so no long run for me.  This is my first trail run ever.  I am pretty excited.  My BFF wants to do a 10k.  I am thinking more along the lines of an 8 miler.  We will see what I talk her into....
Next Sunday, I think I am back to 12 miles.  Well, I plan to run for 2 hours and then increase by 5 minutes every week.  That should have me at 2 hours and 30 minutes by the time the half is here.  That should put me at almost 16 miles by then.  I would really like to hit 3 hours before the year is out, but after this half, I am cutting back to an hour and a half until it warms up.  I am wimpy about the cold and not afraid to admit it.  I loathe the cold.  I am and will always be wimpy about the cold.  That will never change.  I need to get some serious cold weather running gear going for the winter so I can at least keep my hour and a half runs moving along. 
The thought of winter depresses me.  I hate going into the fall because of it.  Everyone loves the fall.  I hate it because it means winter is coming.  The days are short and the cold is hard.  I long for my long summer days where the sun beats down on my face.  I am going to miss it so much.  So so much. 

Confused

Confusion has set in about so many things in the last 24 hours...serious confusion.  Nothing seems right or straight in my mind right now.  First of all, I am getting really tired of folks telling me that I should be happy that I finished the half marathon and that my time was decent.  That was NOT THE RACE I WANTED to run.  I am tired of hearing it.  I am not happy, and I will not be happy with that time.  I am sore today.  That depresses me.  Why am I sore?  I have run for 2 hours many, many times.  Why was this time different?  I feel like my body is failing me again.  That confuses me.  I want more than anything to do a half marathon again to get a better time, but I am afraid.  What if it is worse?  What if it is cold that day?  I did this weekend's race in the rain.  That was bad enough and unfriendly enough.  What if I sign up to do the next half in the area and it is cold and rainy?  How do I deal with this disappointment? 
I am confused about my family and the anger that I has been brought out by this latest situation with their drama.  I am so angry with my mother that I want to scream, just scream at her.  The worst part of all of this is that I feel so alone right now.  It's just me trying to figure it all out, and I am not sure what to do. 

Leaned a lesson today

The rain hit this am.  As I mentioned yesterday, cosmically speaking, something did not want me to run.  I did anyways.  I did not hit my 2 hours, but I am happy because I did not walk at all and I kept under a 10 minute mile pace.  I think I was somewhere around 2:07:00.  We will see later when they post times.  I am happy and proud.  I learned a good deal on my run today.  It is almost life changing.  This am I had two women, two wonderful, beautiful women, fussing over me and stressed still that I was in the bathroom line when the race started.  Two women who got up at 5a to meet me at my house so we could go run.  That is true love and friendship.  I have that.  I have that.  I had 6 amazing individuals waiting for me at the finish line.  I had those two amazing women.  I had my hubby who loves me unconditionally and I adore.  I have two beautiful kids who looked so proud when I finished.  I have an amazing friend in our NSM who rode all the way in the rain on his bike to see me and then had to ride home in the pouring rain.  I am a lucky woman.  Today's lesson was that I have been searching for years for love and acceptance.  It was waiting for me as I finished running 13.1 miles.  It was there.  Just waiting for me.  To my wonderful friends and family there, I can never begin to thank you enough.  You are an amazing and spectacular group of individuals.  You made me feel like I won that race today.  Or maybe that even bigger race that I have been running for the last 20 years of my life.  I love you.  Thank you. 

Mixed mess of things

I am running a half marathon tomorrow and as I am going to pick up my packet, I get a call from my sister.  My mother is in the hospital.  My sister just got out of the hospital.  My oldest niece just got taken to a children's hospital for head trauma.  No, I am not writing a bad country song.  All of the above is true.  I think what disappoints me the most is that my mother has not said one word to my sister or I about her hospitalization.  We had to find out from my brother and not willingly, might I mention.  I understand that my mother has problems.  I get that.  I do, but I expect better of my brother in that he should not help to perpetuate her issues.  Fortunately, my mother is on her way home now and my sister seems to be ok.  We are just waiting on word for my niece now.  All of this and I am sick.  Yes, somehow after 3 months of training and long runs every weekend, I managed to get a head cold the weekend of my half marathon. Did I also mention that I have my period too.  I just want to say that it rained on my wedding day.  I was cool with it.  I just smiled and moved on as it poured and thundered and lightning lit up the sky, but do I really have to get sick on one of the biggest weekends of my year?  Seriously?  What is up with that.  I could deal with the joke of the rain on my wedding day.   I am not dealing well with the joke of the illness.  Do I really need one more thing to deal with?  Part of me thinks all of this is some colossal joke at my expense.  Half marathon so hey, let's make Tiffy get her period. Tiffy has that, but she has run long runs through that before, so she feels good.  Well, that did not knock her down so let's get Tiffy sick.  Tiffy is sick, but it does not have her too down.  She figures that there are worse things to run through and the cold does not seem too bad.  She will take some cold medicine in the am and move on, and ok, maybe now she will not hit her 2 hour goal, but she is sick so she gives herself a little break.  Well, what?  She is moving on.  We have to give her more.  Let's put her sister coming out of a hospital from a weird and gross (sorry, sis, it is gross) infection, her mother coming home from the hospital for something that she will not completely identify.  Oh, and let's have her teenage niece get on a moped, hit a wall and end up with head trauma.  Maybe that will do it.  This is the joke of my life.  I cannot help but wonder, "Maybe I am not supposed to run this race."  Is that what the cosmic world is telling me?  I mean I feel like after the rain on my wedding, maybe I have a little right to be bitter....
Here is the deal:  I am going to run what I can.  I have worked my butt off to train for this race and loved most of those minutes and hated with passion many other minutes during that time, but I DID IT.  I am hoping that this stress will work to my advantage.  I will have some nervous energy to work out.  Plus, everyone who runs longer distances knows that the longer distances enable you to work things out in your mind.  It almost becomes a mediation of sorts.  At least it is that way for me.  I need that time tomorrow so I am glad that I have it so I may figure out what to do.  This drama gives me a purpose for running.  I just hope and pray that I can keep the adrenaline in check at least for the first half...fingers crossed.  I need to think "fun, fun, fun" and just smile and run.  So I guess that is moral of the story.   Cosmic world, the joke is on you.