Let's think about this

I was either in a really bad mood today or I was in a mood to totally and completely TCB today.  I did get a lot done today.  There was just a bunch of crappy little things to get done today.  Typical Monday....
Anyways, I have been thinking a lot about my mother and how my hubby says that as he learns more about how I was raised, it fills in another piece of the puzzle.  The thing my hubby finds most ridiculous is my fear he will cheat on me.  I have been thinking a lot about its origins.  My mother definitely made it very clear to us growing up that a woman had to be part Pam Anderson and part Jessica Rabbit in order for a man to find her desirable.  If you were not the picture perfect, sexy, and alluring woman, a man would have little time for you.  It was made clear to me at a young who the beauty in my family was and that men pined after my sister because of her giant breasts.  Looking back, my mother clearly had issues with her own boobs which is why she was obsessed with my sister's.  My mother is very small in the chest.  My sister is large boobed and a petite woman.  I was prior to my surgery, not small, but since I am a larger woman, I was more well proportioned.  My mother cleared was never satisfied with her size; thus, she was obsessed with my sister's boobs from the start.  Anyways, my sister was made to be this raving beauty which with the way my mother fawned over how beautiful she was, well, it only told me one thing as I did not get the same message from my mother.  It told me that I was the ugly one.  As a result, I have felt ugly my whole life.  It still surprises me when a man looks my way or smiles at me or uses some cheesy pick up line on me.  I want to think I am beautiful, but I just do not.  I probably never will.  The message of ugliness has been reinforced my entire life.  Late circumstances did not help.  The weight did not help.  As a young child, I was maybe 5-10 pounds overweight, but my mother insisted I was fat.  I remember when I was 9-10 years old and growing breasts that she asked my sister, "Do you think she has breasts because she is fat?"  I still remember that over 25 years later.  Looking back, I was not fat at all.  I was bigger than my mother and sister who are both very petite, but have been 5 ft 7 inches tall since I was 12.  I was never destined to be a small woman.  My mother would compare me to Brook Shields who she said had to be super thin or she looked fat and that she was large boned so she just always looked fat and that her thighs always looked huge.  My mother used that to tell me that I had to be thinner.  I got thinner in the 10th grade, but that was short lived.  When I got to college and got severely depressed, I gained about 30 pounds.  I lost some of it the summer after my freshman year, but then it went up from there.  Every time I saw my mother, I could read the disappointment on her face.  She would make comments like, "Well, you just look heavy all over."  My wedding dress was a disaster.  When I went to get my dress, I ended up crying the dressing room.  She wanted to order it a size smaller because as she told the sales person, "Every bride loses weight before her wedding."  It was terrible.  I did not lose weight.  Rather I gained another 15 and my dress did not fit.  That was another debacle.  Rather than comforting me and saying, "hey, let's go get another dress--not like this one was expensive," she took it as another way to punish me and was mean.  The irony and I guess the hurt now is that I thought she would be happy.  Here I am thin and pretty thin.  Not a word about my weight ever.  I guess I should be happy I am not criticized, right.  She always made such a deal about how thin my sister was.  Now not one thing about me and by the way, I am thinner sister now...but that matters little to her now. 
The other thing Lucy made sure to do was to tell us how smart we were but in the same discussion tell us that some classes were too hard to take for us.  What do you think that tells teenagers?  It tells that you are lying and that you are telling them falsehoods just to take it back later and pretty much destroying every piece of confidence they may have had in themselves.  I did not expect her to tell me how wonderful I am.  I just did not want to hear that I was brilliant one moment but then too stupid for something 10 minutes later.  I was essentially criticized my entire life and every compliment was either a backhanded compliment with some dig later or taken back by being told the exact opposite thing later.  There was always an agenda with her.  If I did something great, well, someone else before had done it so it was not a big deal.
So there it is.  There is the part of the story.  Why would anyone want to be with me?  I am getting older.  What good looks I do have, they are fading and they are fading fast.  I will no longer be attractive so if a man only wants Pam Anderson or Jessica Rabbit, well, he is leaving me sooner rather than later.  If a man wants someone smart, well, he will not get that with me.  I am kind of dumb about things.  Yes, I know people.  That is my talent.  I read into their wants and desires so I know their motivations immediately.  That talent comes from my innate lack of trust.  Not necessarily a good thing. 
Ultimately now I live a life she cannot understand so it is wrong and she cannot bear to think for two seconds that maybe it is right for me.  Why because it is not the life she planned for me.  Talk about projection.  She felt ugly so she wanted me to feel that way too.  She felt dumb and unaccomplished so she wanted me to feel dumb and unaccomplished too.  She trusts no one so she wanted me to trust no one.  Mom, you did a good job.  You fulfilled your plan.  I am all of those things--at least, I constantly fight them.  That is why I think I am undeserving for my hubby to love me and stay with me.  Who would want to stay with an ugly, stupid, distrustful person. When will my hubby realize that I have this facade of fabulous with nothing behind it.  Mom, you were the one who taught me that all of it is a facade and it does not really exist.  How am I to believe otherwise.  As I run my butt off every week (literally) when will I ever get the good job or I really appreciate what you have done?  Somehow I remain undeserving which makes me feel undeserving of a lot of things including my hubby's love...but it extends out elsewhere.  My friends, my children....obviously my parents.....