Stress is when

you wake up and realize that you were never asleep but still going through a nightmare.  These last few days have been interesting to say the least.  I have staved off all panic attacks as they have started to come on, but the feeling of one coming on is sometimes more than I can take.  My stress level has been extraordinarily high these last 24 hours . I keep thinking that it will be a miracle if I make it to Monday not having had a nervous break down.  The crazy thing in all of the this is that I am sleeping better than ever.  I have slept through the night for the last 2 out of 4 days and the other two days, I slept at least 5 hours before I even woke up.  I only sleep about 6-6.5 hours a night so it is not like it is long, long stretches of sleep, but it hardly ever happens to me.  Trying to get into to therapy has been a show.  I am just trying to take every moment as just that moment.  It seems to help keep the panic attacks from taking over.  I am also not allowing my mind to wander so much which is something that definitely helps.  I need a run.  A long run by myself.  I am terrified that I am swimming down into the depths of depression again.  That possibility has always scared me.  I have so much more at stake now that I did back then.  Plus, I love being a happy person.  It is so much more fulfilling than being miserable.  I am scared to death.  I feel out of control.  I know that I toe that line of sanity versus insanity all of the time.  I am just way closer to the other side now that I normally feel comfortable with.  I keep wondering how close I am going to get to it and if I will end up on the other side. 
My husband would be surprised to read this but in some ways I feel like my marriage is falling apart.  We do not understand one another.  I am not sure that we can bridge that gap between us.  I love him and I think he loves me, but is that enough?  We keep circling back around the same things with little changing every time we go over it.  The only thing that happens is that we rehash what we already know.  I always seem to want more so what is it that I am missing.  What is that piece?  My mind is not linear these days.  That scares me.  I cannot resolve anything if my mind is not linear, right? I am not taking care of myself either which is unlike me.  I am not going to the gym as regularly as I should.  That is killing me.  I just end up feeling fat and beating myself up about it all day.  I don't want to feel like this.  I want to feel happy and free and powerful.  My fears are taking over and it terrifies me.