Time

I guess part of my issue is where did the time go.  One day I was young and in high school land just enjoying life.  The next day I was old with two small kids and a husband and a very busy life.  Where did the time go?  I feel like I missed the time in between.  More to the point, I wasted the time in between.  I just feel that weighing on me so heavily right.  I wonder why I cannot shake it off.  I spent the best time of my life being miserable and fat.  Now I am just old.  I am living life as I should now and if I could shake this feeling that is weighing me down, I could and would probably be pretty happy, but I cannot shake this feeling that time is staring me down...and that it is winning.  Does that mean that death is coming sooner than I expect?
The idea of a marathon is getting bigger and bigger.  I want it more.  I do not believe that this the right year so I am thinking 2013.  I think November 2013 and just pray that that day is not too cold or wet at all.  This am's run was tough.  I was worn down from all of the activity yesterday and the heat of this am.  It was hot and more humid than hell.  I made it 4.53 in 41 minutes so not too bad and I am pretty sure of my calibration today so I feel like that time was reasonable.  Tomorrow my BFF and I will attempt our trail run again.  I don't think it is going to happen. It will be too wet from the rain today and tonight, but we will try again.  Honestly, I would probably be thankful for a break from the running.  If we get rained out, I will just do a walk in the am.  I can feel my body getting more and more worn down.  I do miss my longer run, though.  Today would have been hell for it, though, as hot and humid as it was.  Next week, the long run is back.  At this point, I just want to be the best version of myself I can be. I want to be hot and fit and a good mom and a good wife and learn to let go of that regret I constantly feel.  Who would think that in my mid-thirties, I would have so much regret?  In your teens, you think you will live forever and feel like you are in your teens forever.  For me, in my twenties, I felt tied down by life.  I had to live a certain life with certain expectations so I forced myself into titanium shackles.  Only in my later thirties have I felt freer, but in some ways, I feel like it is too late to get that youthful feeling back.  Too late in so many ways, and I hate every second of it.  Every freaking second of it.
A large part of it is the fall is weighing on me.  I have a hard time looking past the short, cold days that lie ahead.  The winters feel so long. 
My son worries me a good deal.  I see such seriousness on his face all of the time like he is contemplating his next move and how it will "fix" something or someone.  I carried that burden for so long.  I hate it for him.  I see so few moments that he enjoys or smiles or laughs.  One night at dinner, he was cracking up like crazy and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world to see him so light and free and happy.  I do not want him to be me.  I want him to be freer and more able to enjoy his life and youth and not weigh himself down with worries about everyone and everything.  So the question becomes, how do I fix that?  How do I make him a lighter freer child, a child who only worries about now and not 10 steps ahead like he does?  So much time is wasted on worrying about the future.  I just want him to think about now.  I see that so few and far between.   He is just like his mom in so many ways.