Out of my routine

And it is killing me.  Slowly I am becoming less of the person I was.  I miss running terribly.  I do 8 on Sat.  Hopefully that will bring some relief.  Tomorrow my life gets more back to normal, thank goodness.  I have an appt with Jason, the awesome PT, on Tuesday.  That will further bring some relief.  I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about my mother and my hubby.  The funny thing is that it is this book that I am reading that I almost stopped reading that has gotten me thinking about both.  As far as my mother goes, I can try desperately to have a relationship with her.  I can, but the problem is that the only relationship she will allow is one on her terms.  That would be ok for a normal person, but she is anything but normal.  She has to control and manipulate and bribe.  I spent 36 years playing her games and letting her control and bribe and manipulate me all so I could feel her love and approval.  It was so exhausting.  The end result was always the same.  She was never satisfied.  I never got her love or her approval or even her appreciation.  I always felt less than.  I have finally given up.  I used to go the superficial route and just call her every other week and keep it light.  I don't even have the strength to do that any more.  That facade is exhausting and frankly, hearing my mother say that all she has left is her privacy is more than I can bear.  The implication of that statement is that we (my siblings and I) have taken everything from her so I am stopping the taking.  I want no more.  Well, that is a lie.  I want a normal relationship with my mother, one full of love and appreciation for the woman I have become, but I know now that I will never get that with her no matter how hard I try, and I am tired of trying.  I just do not have the strength to push forward any more.  Life is short and I have spent so much time worrying about how she would view me and what I could do to gain more favor.  The truth is nothing works.  Play her games or you are out of favor.
The problem is that my mother problems have a major affect on my relationship with my husband.  I am so afraid of heartbreak that I will not allow myself to be loved because who can love a girl when her own other cannot love her, right?  Because I am waiting for my hubby to leave me, I keep pushing him away and holding back from committing 100%.  This constant battle has a major impact on my life.  Any issue that comes up is a major problem rather than just a minor slight.  How do I fix that?  I am working on it, but it so out of control at times.  I don't know what to do or how to fix it and it is all wrapped up in one big confusing piece in my mind.  What so I do?  I am so worried that this will completely impact my marriage and ruin it.  How do I open myself up and stop protecting so much.  I need to find the hole in my heart that forces me to hold back.  I am just so afraid he will stop loving me and what do I do if that happens?  How will I survive?