I hate the feeling after it happens.

I had a dream last night that has totally shaken me.  For the last few weeks I have been having very vivid dreams.  Some have been frightening. This one was different.  It was not scary, but it has shaken me in a different way.  It revolved around high school graduation.  Philip McDaniel was there.  He was the key player in it outside of me, of course.  My last boyfriend before my husband was there and wanted nothing to do with me.  He ignored me the whole time.  Philip told me that my ex wanted nothing to do with me because I became too selfish towards the end of our relationship.  I was trying to play it cool, but it hurt.  First of all, let me clarify that I have not had a dream about John in over a year.  Every now and then he creeps into my dreams and when he does, I wake up confused and anxious and almost hurt again.  I hate that feeling.  It stays with me all day.  I know why he crept into my dreams.  In talking with a good friend yesterday about how impossible it is to love someone enough to keep the relationship going when he does not return the feelings, I mentioned that relationship so I know he was on my mind at that point yesterday, but today I am still left with those confusing feelings.  They are all the more confusing because I am madly in love with my husband.  Why would something like this shake me up a bit?  It is even more confusing because honestly, I finally forgave him about two years ago.  I was not forgiving him for not loving me.  I was forgiving him for not being honest with me about that and the fact that even though he did not want me, he did not want anyone else to have me so he led me on continually.  I accepted that we were so young and he really did not know any better.  I even thought if we ever met, I would genuinely be happy for the good  life he probably has.  I have a great life. I would want him to be happy for me and not in a "oh, look what I missed out on with Tiffany" kind of way, but in a genuine way.  So why do I feel this way today?  Once you truly love someone, do you ever stop loving them?  I no longer want to be with him or pine for him or even want him to want me so why am I all emotional about this today?  I know he was a big part of my life, over 4 years of it to be exact.  Is that why?  It has been 18 years....
I want to clarify one last thing to my hubby who will read this.  I love you now.  I have loved you for the last 17 years of my life.  I have loved you beyond desperation for the last 2.  The strides we have made, lordy, even in the last week, well, they put our relationship on a whole new level.  I never want to be without you.  It is not life to me if you are not in it.  I never felt that way about John.  I felt judged by him and never accepted.  He was never and could never be the man you are.  I needed man to let me push and give me my way most of the time but push back when it called for it if for no other reason than to prove he is a man.  You give me everything I need and more.  You are what I need.  I think you are secure enough in our relationship to know all of this, but I want to tell you these things so you know what my dream really means.  I love you.