Sure, strong and even...

That is what Helen, one of the main characters in the book I just read, says that she has never felt. She never had a place of comfort where she felt that. I totally identify with her in many ways. She says that with her, there is nothing on the outside that shows she is alive on the inside. I, too, very much identify with that feeling. I do worry sometimes that it will be the demise of my marriage. Kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy so to speak. It was not Helen's demise. She did have an affair, but at the end of the novel, it seemed like she and her husband would work things out. Not sure that would happen in my life, but I am hopeful that I can figure out who I am while staying within the bounds of my marriage.
My hubby wonders why I constantly worry that I need to be someone else in order to keep him in my life. There are a few good reasons. First, and he would deny this, our getting married was a not a request on his part like it is with most couples. We "decided" to get engaged. He said today that he was happy when I said yes to marrying. That never happened. There was no question to answer. Second, as a child, I felt that I had to constantly rearrange who I was in order to try to win or keep the love of my parents. I was never enough. If I am not enough for my own parents who have to love me, how can I be enough for anyone else? I am still not enough for them. I only matter in the course of what I take from my mother's hording pile that she unloads continually in order to not seem like an actual hoarder. And my dad, well, he prefers the other two which is fine. I keep my distance.....
That says it all. I keep my distance. The only people that I fully immerse myself with love in is my kids. That is easy now. I do not want them to be perfect. What I want them to know is that they will never be perfect but they will always be perfect to me. No need to change who they are. I love them for them...even Maggie who is not always the easiest child to love. What 4 year old is.
The crazy thing is that in deciding to get married, I married my best friend. That was the bulk of it for me. I knew I loved being with him and loved him deeply as a friend and companion. Somewhere, though, between having both kids, I feel totally and completely and passionately in love with my husband, and I hate it. I never have emotions that strong or out of control or wildly. I am always in control and very deliberate so I wonder from time to time how I let that happen and how do I fix it. Well, that part, I wonder but most days I do not want to fix it. Rather, I pray to God to build it up even more and make it better, but then there are those moments where it is too out of control and too confusing and I prefer to be hardened and cold. He thinks I pull back because I do not want him anymore. It is quite the opposite.
All I have been my whole life is a good time. I never stayed in long term relationships. I had one and he did not really love me. It was totally warped. The bottom line is that men liked me for my body and not much more and frankly, I would have pushed more away. Many a times, I did. I do not equate sex with emotion. It is a purely physical thing for me. How do you stay married for 12 years and never once feel emotional during sex? Sometimes when my hubby is very passionate, it is too overwhelming for me and I shut down. This is all so crazy and mixed up. I feel like a mixed up jigsaw puzzle that never has any straight edges. The more I put it together, the more jagged pieces show up....
I remember one night my hubby got home from a trip out of town. It was very late. I was off the next day. I remember he literally tried to pull me into him. There was such force there. I felt so loved and wonderful in that moment...sounds crazy, doesn't it. I am not sure what it means but I am going to find out. Therapy this week, thank goodness!