I bought a groupon last year to Studio X where they do fitness classes based on pole dancing. I never used the classes. I was too embarrassed to go by myself. A resolution for 2012 is to go to a set of classes there doing just that. I think it will help me get more in touch with who I am and who I want to be. I hope to get a confidence boost from it, hopefully. My hubby will maybe be a bit shocked to read what I have written here, but I am committed to doing it. There are just some things that I have always wanted to do and have been way too afraid. I do not want to live like that in 2012 so I am going to make some changes and I am starting with that. Their January calendar is not out yet, but once it is, I am signing up for one class. If I do not want to do more after that, I do not have to, but at least I will know. It is like physical therapy. I was so dismissive of it last spring when my doc first brought it up thinking I am a recreational runner. Why should I bother, but I now know it would have helped me then and stopped my problem from getting worse. At least I am getting that fixed now. Physical therapists are miracle workers in my opinion.
So some other things I want to do....I want to wear a string bikini to the beach (on a trip with my husband, no kids.) I want to take a set of portraits for my hubby now that would make me blush in forty or fifty years. I am only young once and I want to remember how well I took care of myself and have visual proof of it. I want to get a micro-derm abrasion because I think it would help the texture of my skin that is....ugh....aging. I think it will help and make me feel better. I want to color my hair...maybe not ready for that this year but before I am 40. I want to spend an entire day in bed with my husband and I do mean an entire day. Maybe it would bore us to tears, but in theory, it sounds like fun and relaxing. I want to do a nice, enticing job at a task that I have promised to do provided my hubby meets one of 2011's New Year's resolution. (And Studio X can certainly help with that.) I want to read a book month and paint our bedroom a hot, sexy color that we can live with on a day to day basis but will not scream that we are a boring couple. I want to laugh more and find more joy in the day to day passing of life. I want to run outside one am with my best friend when it is 27 degrees. (It was 37 yesterday so we are getting close.) I want to run 10 miles all at once. The most I have ever done is 9.13. I prefer to go more specific but all in all, I think that these things can and will make me feel younger, sexier, and more vibrant. I spent all of last year feeling so old, so terribly old. I want the exact opposite for this year. Most of all, I want to wake up at 2am and make love to my husband in the middle of the night and then go right back to sleep. Now that is something has not happened in what, 14-15 years.
So with 2011 going away, I am saying good-bye to what I hope will always be the oldest year of my life. Oldest not in numbers, but in how I felt as a person. May 2012 bring youth.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Family room done
The family room is done. I painted it all myself. Well, my daughter helped, but I painted it prior to her painting. I did not want to go behind her because I thought it would hurt her so I just painted it first and then no worries on making sure that all spots were covered. It looks great. I am so pleased and proud.
I am still going through a major transition with my hubby. Fighting my imagination sure feels a hell of a lot better than the wreck I was constantly before, but this is super tough to keep up. I am still thinking of my list of questions for him, but the question I keep asking myself is when will I ever feel like I am enough for anyone. I am still chasing that vivacious, young, beautiful, smart, and kind person I am supposed to be and I keep waiting for the day I will catch her and it never happens. I wish she would just disappear from my mind. I am constantly jealous of her. She does not even exist. How crazy is that? How do I rid myself of her? How do I make her go away? Those are questions I need to be answered. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to explain to some therapist this concept of this person in my mind and why I can never live up to her.
Jon has been very patient. I think in some ways he knows that there are still major broken parts there and just hopes that I can fix my mind over time. We had another long talk about what I need from him. I know he knows that my patience with that will wane over time. I can only give so much without feeling jaded when I do not get what I need in return. So my question for him today...what was it about me that made him feel so comfortable with me always? What was it? He always says that with me it was different. He was able to talk to me because he always felt different with me so why was that? I need to know.
I am still going through a major transition with my hubby. Fighting my imagination sure feels a hell of a lot better than the wreck I was constantly before, but this is super tough to keep up. I am still thinking of my list of questions for him, but the question I keep asking myself is when will I ever feel like I am enough for anyone. I am still chasing that vivacious, young, beautiful, smart, and kind person I am supposed to be and I keep waiting for the day I will catch her and it never happens. I wish she would just disappear from my mind. I am constantly jealous of her. She does not even exist. How crazy is that? How do I rid myself of her? How do I make her go away? Those are questions I need to be answered. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to explain to some therapist this concept of this person in my mind and why I can never live up to her.
Jon has been very patient. I think in some ways he knows that there are still major broken parts there and just hopes that I can fix my mind over time. We had another long talk about what I need from him. I know he knows that my patience with that will wane over time. I can only give so much without feeling jaded when I do not get what I need in return. So my question for him today...what was it about me that made him feel so comfortable with me always? What was it? He always says that with me it was different. He was able to talk to me because he always felt different with me so why was that? I need to know.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sure, strong and even...
That is what Helen, one of the main characters in the book I just read, says that she has never felt. She never had a place of comfort where she felt that. I totally identify with her in many ways. She says that with her, there is nothing on the outside that shows she is alive on the inside. I, too, very much identify with that feeling. I do worry sometimes that it will be the demise of my marriage. Kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy so to speak. It was not Helen's demise. She did have an affair, but at the end of the novel, it seemed like she and her husband would work things out. Not sure that would happen in my life, but I am hopeful that I can figure out who I am while staying within the bounds of my marriage.
My hubby wonders why I constantly worry that I need to be someone else in order to keep him in my life. There are a few good reasons. First, and he would deny this, our getting married was a not a request on his part like it is with most couples. We "decided" to get engaged. He said today that he was happy when I said yes to marrying. That never happened. There was no question to answer. Second, as a child, I felt that I had to constantly rearrange who I was in order to try to win or keep the love of my parents. I was never enough. If I am not enough for my own parents who have to love me, how can I be enough for anyone else? I am still not enough for them. I only matter in the course of what I take from my mother's hording pile that she unloads continually in order to not seem like an actual hoarder. And my dad, well, he prefers the other two which is fine. I keep my distance.....
That says it all. I keep my distance. The only people that I fully immerse myself with love in is my kids. That is easy now. I do not want them to be perfect. What I want them to know is that they will never be perfect but they will always be perfect to me. No need to change who they are. I love them for them...even Maggie who is not always the easiest child to love. What 4 year old is.
The crazy thing is that in deciding to get married, I married my best friend. That was the bulk of it for me. I knew I loved being with him and loved him deeply as a friend and companion. Somewhere, though, between having both kids, I feel totally and completely and passionately in love with my husband, and I hate it. I never have emotions that strong or out of control or wildly. I am always in control and very deliberate so I wonder from time to time how I let that happen and how do I fix it. Well, that part, I wonder but most days I do not want to fix it. Rather, I pray to God to build it up even more and make it better, but then there are those moments where it is too out of control and too confusing and I prefer to be hardened and cold. He thinks I pull back because I do not want him anymore. It is quite the opposite.
All I have been my whole life is a good time. I never stayed in long term relationships. I had one and he did not really love me. It was totally warped. The bottom line is that men liked me for my body and not much more and frankly, I would have pushed more away. Many a times, I did. I do not equate sex with emotion. It is a purely physical thing for me. How do you stay married for 12 years and never once feel emotional during sex? Sometimes when my hubby is very passionate, it is too overwhelming for me and I shut down. This is all so crazy and mixed up. I feel like a mixed up jigsaw puzzle that never has any straight edges. The more I put it together, the more jagged pieces show up....
I remember one night my hubby got home from a trip out of town. It was very late. I was off the next day. I remember he literally tried to pull me into him. There was such force there. I felt so loved and wonderful in that moment...sounds crazy, doesn't it. I am not sure what it means but I am going to find out. Therapy this week, thank goodness!
My hubby wonders why I constantly worry that I need to be someone else in order to keep him in my life. There are a few good reasons. First, and he would deny this, our getting married was a not a request on his part like it is with most couples. We "decided" to get engaged. He said today that he was happy when I said yes to marrying. That never happened. There was no question to answer. Second, as a child, I felt that I had to constantly rearrange who I was in order to try to win or keep the love of my parents. I was never enough. If I am not enough for my own parents who have to love me, how can I be enough for anyone else? I am still not enough for them. I only matter in the course of what I take from my mother's hording pile that she unloads continually in order to not seem like an actual hoarder. And my dad, well, he prefers the other two which is fine. I keep my distance.....
That says it all. I keep my distance. The only people that I fully immerse myself with love in is my kids. That is easy now. I do not want them to be perfect. What I want them to know is that they will never be perfect but they will always be perfect to me. No need to change who they are. I love them for them...even Maggie who is not always the easiest child to love. What 4 year old is.
The crazy thing is that in deciding to get married, I married my best friend. That was the bulk of it for me. I knew I loved being with him and loved him deeply as a friend and companion. Somewhere, though, between having both kids, I feel totally and completely and passionately in love with my husband, and I hate it. I never have emotions that strong or out of control or wildly. I am always in control and very deliberate so I wonder from time to time how I let that happen and how do I fix it. Well, that part, I wonder but most days I do not want to fix it. Rather, I pray to God to build it up even more and make it better, but then there are those moments where it is too out of control and too confusing and I prefer to be hardened and cold. He thinks I pull back because I do not want him anymore. It is quite the opposite.
All I have been my whole life is a good time. I never stayed in long term relationships. I had one and he did not really love me. It was totally warped. The bottom line is that men liked me for my body and not much more and frankly, I would have pushed more away. Many a times, I did. I do not equate sex with emotion. It is a purely physical thing for me. How do you stay married for 12 years and never once feel emotional during sex? Sometimes when my hubby is very passionate, it is too overwhelming for me and I shut down. This is all so crazy and mixed up. I feel like a mixed up jigsaw puzzle that never has any straight edges. The more I put it together, the more jagged pieces show up....
I remember one night my hubby got home from a trip out of town. It was very late. I was off the next day. I remember he literally tried to pull me into him. There was such force there. I felt so loved and wonderful in that moment...sounds crazy, doesn't it. I am not sure what it means but I am going to find out. Therapy this week, thank goodness!
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