I guess it is because life was so crazy for a while that it is taking me so long to get back to normalcy. I did get out of bed to hit the gym this am, and I did run yesterday and Monday, but I am still not losing weight. I am thinking that the sodium in my diet is causing some issues or my body is just holding on waiting for another trauma. I am not sure. It is driving me crazy. I so did not want to get out of bed this am, but I did. Then I so did not want to row, but I did. I am actually really proud of how much I have run this week and I plan to run another 5k tomorrow at lunch. If I can hit 15 miles this week, I will be really happy. The weight should be melting off, but it is not. I am gaining weight rather. Aside from the sausage (which is what I think has caused the retaining of water) we have the most boring dinner last night. Tonight is spaghetti and meatballs. We will see how that goes...
I feel sorry for my mother. I finally talked to my hubby about some competitive issues that I have. They have been on my mind a lot lately. I hate them. I hate the feelings they bring up. I talked to him about how my mother raised me to be like this. I tried to figure out why she did that and then it dawned on me that my mother was jealous of everyone else. I mean everyone. She never felt beautiful so she was jealous of anyone who was attractive. She never had large breasts so she was jealous of anyone who did (which is probably by she was so focused on my sister's chest for so long...well, still is.) She did not come from a wealthy family so she was jealous of those who had stuff. She had a mother who was not very nice to her so she was jealous of those who had nice, normal families. How sad is that? I am guessing since most days my father is not the best husband that she is jealous of women who have wonderful husbands. I am not guessing actually. I am quite sure of it. Talk about always focusing on what you don't have. Now wonder she is not happy in life. We all make decisions that affect the rest of our lives. One thing my mother has lamented on since I have been alive is the fact that she never got to go to grad school and oh, how is has affected her career. She makes it out like my father kept her from doing it by not making enough money. No. That is not the whole story. The truth is if my mother had not gotten pregnant right after they got married, she could have gone to grad school. Because she got pregnant and had a kid, she had to work to help support the child. That is the truth of the matter and the realization I have come to. For years, she has blamed my dad, but the truth lies with her. She complains how they struggled especially when my brother came along almost 3 years after my sister. Mom, it is called birth control. I guess part of me is just tired of hearing it.
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