My totem

We have this joke in our family about totems. To protect the dopey and clueless (and neglectful) I will not get into why we have this joke. Just know, we occasionally refer to our totems and what they might be. Mine is a hawk for sure. How do I know? This hawk that lives by our house follows me around. Last summer it would follow me in the am when I was out running. Then one day I ran by a fountain in our neighborhood and there it was sitting there looking at me. Just looking at me. I was outside on Sat for the first time in months and it swoops down about 20 feet in front of me. Then it was hanging out on top of a house close by this am. I feel like it is my life force which scares me a bit. What if it dies....
Speaking of death. God, I hate getting old. I do not want to stay young...the eternally youthful die young but I hate looking old and looking old goes along with getting old. I look at my skin and see lines that I never thought I would see. I look at my skin and see ridges where there were never ridges before. I find it gross. I used to have such pretty skin. People talked about how nice it was. I never wore foundation. I never needed to. Now I have to use 800 gallons of lotion to even out the shape and then foundation to even out the tone. So sad. I wish I had started a serious skin care regimen when I was in my 20's. Maybe it would have helped.
They did a study earlier this year that said that women consider 50 the magic age where men no longer notice them. Great...I am 15 years from that. Men used to look at me all of the time. Now they look by me. So depressing. Am I resigned to just being a mom and looking like the mom that I am? I want to feel sexy and vibrant. I guess that is part of the thing...I thought a lift and implants would do that. It does for my body, but not for the rest of me.