Enough is enough

Fortunately, I do not have to go to work tomorrow. In the three days I was there this week, I have just had enough. Things that should not happen twice in a month happened twice in the last three days. I never even had them happen twice in a year before...I am left wondering about bad spirits surrounding me. Seriously thinking of burning some sage tomorrow.
It amazes me how out of whack I feel from missing my am workouts. It just messes with my head. Then I am not sleeping at night. That does not help. Last night the thunderstorm hit. I was praying harder than I have ever prayed before to keep my son from waking up. Praise God because my son did not wake up. Well, he did in between storms, but for a nightmare. Not working out, not sleeping. I am a mess.
I am a bigger mess emotionally. Some of the things I cannot even describe here. I keep everything so locked up so that I never get hurt, but I end up getting hurt in other ways because of it. I often think about how my sister's illness affected my psyche...if I was born this way or if the illness and circumstances arising from that contributed. I will never know. I see pictures of myself as a child and remember being so confident. I never feel that way now. It does not help that I work with men who let's face it (I am saying this about all men in general not just the ones with whom I work) expect you to justify yourself all of the time. Even my husband expects it. Is that me or is it what society does to women. Sometimes I want to go away, but goodness knows, I would never hurt or leave my kids. And then there is my husband....so much hurt and happiness all wrapped up into one big tangled mess. I am not easy to live with. I know that. I am not even easy to love. These days I do n0t even know my own mind. What is worse is that I cannot separate what is the result of lack of sleep which makes me crazy or what is the result of real deep hurt and if it is the result why.
You know I did realize one thing. It hit me like a brick yesterday. My husband did settle. His brother was right in the end, and I guess that is part of what hurts so much. My husband does not even realize it either because he is so blinded by love for me most of the time. He did settle. How do I deal with knowing that. I was not a choice. I was the only choice. Thank goodness for that because I have wonderful, bright children, but it is true. There were not exactly a lot of options, and he knew that. I was it. Not sure what to do from here. What to fix or what even is broken.