I was going to do it

I was.  I was ready.  26.2 miles.  I was going to do it.  The whole going down to the half thing was a mind game.  I knew it, but I had convinced myself it would work.  I knew it was too late to go down to the half.  It does not matter anymore, though.  I am not running the marathon.  I will not ever likely run a marathon.  I always thought if I gave up running before or during the marathon it would be because of me and that scared me.  Well, as it turns out not so much.  So I move on.  Honestly, I am so tired of being the sturdy, steady chick.  When do I get to break or fall down or really have my time?  Never.  It never happens and it never comes.  For once in my life, I wanted to do something amazing and spectacular and have it be all about me.  Even my own wedding day was not about me.  It was about the freaking weather.  I have never had a moment that was truly about me.  Here I am 37 years old and that has never happened.  No birth of any of my children have been that way.  That may be hard to believe, but it is the truth.  So when is my turn?  Do some of us never get a turn and that is just how it is?  I am starting to believe that is the case.  I really do.  So I go back to being sturdy and hardy and strong just like I am expected to be.  Sturdy with limitless capacity and perfect.  All of these are supposed to be compliments.  Trust me.  They are curses.  It is amazing the expectations we set on people early and how we always expect those to say the same so much so that it never changes.  By the way, someone who is sturdy and strong and hardy is like a stone...and then you wonder why that person seems devoid of emotions.  In order to be strong and sturdy and hardy, that is what has to happen.  It just does.

I actually smiled today while running.

So the dream of the marathon is over for now.  Today while running the 2 hours and 30 minutes I set out to do, I realized how much I disliked running.  It had become a burden and a big one and I do not need any more burdens.  It started to overwhelm, all of the hours training.  I do not need anything else to overwhelm me with everything going on at work.  I started to hate running, and I do not want to hate running.  I have gained 10 pounds.   I am running more than I ever have before, and I have gained 10 pounds.  I started running to lose weight.  Yes, I am not ashamed to admit it.  It started because I was overweight and wanted to continue to lose weight.  You see, I have never been an athlete.  I was a cheerleader.  Then I got to college and gained the College 15 and kept on going.  I lost over 70 pounds when I was 26.  I dabbled a little in running then, but not much.  Then I had my kids and gained 20 pounds back and started running.  I ran a few races and kept going.  I ended up losing over 30 pounds and was the thinnest I had ever been.  I stayed that way for a long, long time.  Sure my weight has fluctuated some by 5-10 pounds.  After my surgery, I was up 5 pounds but lost it when I returned to running.  Last year, I decided to try a half marathon saying that I would never run a full because of the damage it does to your body and the time commitment.  I work more than full time and am raising two young children.  Time is very limited for me.  Then last December, I had it in my mind that I needed to fight fear because my mother is so afraid of so much and that I was afraid to run that marathon.  What I have learned this summer is that I was not afraid of running 26 miles.  I have no issues attempting to run over 20 miles.  I have run 23 miles plus.  I knew that marathon training takes time and extra time is something of which I have little to give.  (For those of you who might argue, I am up at 4:15a to workout most days.  Trust me, my time is limited.) 
Today, I decided that the marathon is not for me.  The continued training is too much.  Sure I could finish the marathon at this point, but I hate running and that is not worth it to me.  When I made that decision, the second half of my run got a whole hell of a lot easier.  I actually smiled today while running more than a few times.  I ran 15 miles and found the inner strength to sprint at the end, something that would have been much more difficult last week.  Running no longer seems like a chore and running this next weekend will not be a burden because if I decide all that I have the strength for is 6 miles, so be it.  The pressure is gone.  I learned that I need to get back to basics and to lose weight again, I need to run, but I can go the distance my mind can handle.  I am going to see the nutrition person my therapist recommended.  She deal with athletes and those with eating disorders.  I have struggled during this training with what to eat so I have eaten more than I should, I believe.  Not good.  Not good. 

5 weeks to go and

not sure what to do.  I could only get through 18 miles today.  Am I ready for the marathon?  5 weeks until it is here and I am not sure that I can do it.  I have run 22 miles before and just 3 weeks ago, but still.  I am not sure if I can mentally soldier through the physical hardship.  Work has just taken over.  The hubby and my BFF both think I can, but what if I cannot.  My fear is that they are wrong.  Had I known in December last year that I would have had to work through 3 station purchases this year and 2 of those coming less than 60 days prior to the marathon along with learning a new traffic system, I never would have signed up for it.  I would have known better.  Where does that leave me today?  I feel like if I go down to half then I am letting everyone at work down.  My staff is ready to cheer me on.  I do not know what to do.

The universe is telling me something, I think

I just have yet to figure out what the hell it is.  I keep wondering how I ended up here.  How did I end up here?  I am a blame person and a self blame person at that so it has to be my fault, right?  I did this.  Did I make it too easy?  Do I spoil those around me by being the "yes, I will take care of it girl" and always accommodating everyone else at all costs to myself?  I come from folks who say things like "trudge on" or "keep going" or "it will make you stronger."  That is all fine and dandy, but that does not allow you the moment to stop and judge if this what you really want or if this is what is really best for your heart, soul, and even health.  What does it say that every now and then I have the urge to chuck myself down the stairs so I can rest in a hospital for a week?  I keep telling myself that I have come too far to go back but when is enough!

Desperate times?

I am currently in the most challenging time of my professional career and that is saying a lot considering how much I went through back in 2000 when I started this job.  I have worked 55-60 hours per week for the last 3 weeks.  I am drained.  The running is suffering, of course,  as is my diet.  The two go hand in hand so it just has me feeling more beat down.  I keep telling myself that I just need to make it until Oct 15 and the dust will start to settle.  I am counting down the days....
I have to do a long run next week or I am not sure that the marathon is in my future.  Work has been so stressful that the running is suffering.  I am not sure that next Sun will be any different from today considering that this next week is going to very much be a challenge.  I just hope for the best.  The problem is that my hope is waning. 

Shedding

My good friend from work, K, has a mother very much like mine.  We often laugh that they are sisters separated at birth.  Trust me, it is a definite possibility.  Much of both of their youths was shrouded in secrecy.  They are pretty much the same woman.  Last week she was talking about the layers in her hair, and she said, "As we shed what our mothers taught us...."  It got me thinking how true it is that both K and I have shed so much of that crap and how much more there is to shed.  I don't know.  I guess I thought that "shedding" was a very apt description for what she and I do with what was forced upon us that was so wrong in so many ways.  I have definitely shed a lot.  So much more to go, though.
My run today started out good.  I was ready for 23.  My stubbornness did me in, though.  I was determined to stay out and finish the 23 in the humid heat with the sun beating down on me.  At mile 20, I hit the wall, a wall that I had previously said that I do not understand.  How funny is that!  I walked the last half mile home at a slow pace.  I feel ok physically.  Yes, I am worn out but nothing but my foot hurts and that is a win.  I decided today that I am saving the full 26 for the actual race.  I had previously thought I would do 27 before just so I knew I could do it.  Having done 22 once and 20 a few times, I know I can do it.  I want to save that victory of 26.2 for race day. I want to finish and feel on top of the world.  It hurts to run over 15 miles so any distance over that is exhausting in so many ways.  You are just spent at the end, but the exhilaration that comes from finishing any distance over 18 is too complicated to explain.  It is so satisfying at the same time that is exhausting beyond belief.  Good times, and today was a good run despite hitting the wall.  I would still call it a victory.  Considering how much I had going on this week at work, it is a huge victory.
This week I had to tell my husband how much I appreciated the work he is doing on himself to better our relationship.  It was so hard.  How funny is that?  I give positive feedback at work all day every day, but when it comes to telling the person I love most how much I appreciate what they are doing to help us, I struggle.  I blurted it out as quickly as I could because it was so uncomfortable.  I wonder if it will ever be easier.  I'll have to ask Dr. Mc. 
Hopefully cooler am's lie ahead.  It will help with the running.  I am sitting outside now to enjoy what are my dwindling warm evenings.  Halloween is coming up, though, and who cannot get on board with a holiday that is about candy and just fun.  No pressure of presents.  Just fun. 
I told someone earlier this week why I always read the first part of a book and then the last part of a book to start.  For me, it is all about the journey of how the book gets from the start to finish.  I have the same theory about sex, but that is another story.  The thing is that for me, it is all about the journey or path.  (Journey is overused these days.  I hate to use it because of that!)  Pretty much we know how life starts and we know how it ends, but the journey is what matters and that is the best part.  So exciting in so many ways and so scary in others.  I have vowed to not let my fear take over.  I know I will start the marathon and I know I will finish it, but it is the 4.5 hours of running in between that I waiting and that is waiting for me.  Same thing with life so I am trying to stop sprinting through it so much. 

Hope

That pretty much says it all.  Normally this time of year, I am finding a fall funk so to speak, but for the first time in a long time I feel some hope that maybe just maybe I can get back to some normalcy.  My hubby made the comment yesterday about what a great summer it has been.  Yes, it has been wonderful in so many ways, but it has been horrible in others.  My eating disorder has reared its ugly head again.  I knew one day it would come calling for me.  I feared that from time to time but never dwelt on it.  Now I fear it because it is here watching me every day and calling to me.  So why do I have hope.  I did not feel it reaching for me waiting not so patiently to see the first signs where it could pull me in.  My hubby helped that some and for the first time in a long time, I did not feel so alone.  Most days I cannot fight it and I need help.  I am horrible about asking for help, but I did this time.  He helped.  I need that right now.  I will not need it forever, but for now, I need help.  I had forgotten what a struggle it is and how the disease is always there waiting and how once it sees a crack to get in, it does what it can to work its way in.  I will not forget that again. 
I have hope again that this fall will be good.  Maybe the weather will not be as warm as I would like and maybe I will have bouts of depression when I cannot go outside without freezing my baguettes off, but I can get through it and the routine of life will be good for me.  It is what I need right now to cope.  I will miss the beach, though, and pine away to be there.  I never really got to go into the ocean that much this year.  I cannot really go out there with the kids.  They are still too little, and the water was too rough when the hubby and I were there alone.  I will miss halter tops.  (You bet I am wearing one today since it will be 92 and those days are going away quickly.)  I will miss Water Country and the water show, of course.  I will miss long runs in the heat, believe it or not.  I will miss walking around Busch Gardens with the kids and playing games with them.  I probably will not miss the 4000 stuffed animals they insist on getting from those games.  I will miss my son's enthusiasm in riding the mini rollercoaster.  I will miss teasing my husband about running away with Dan Kelly.  I will miss riding my bike in the early am as the sun comes up, and I will miss the wonderful feeling that only comes from running as the world is waking up on a hot summer day.  I am thankful, though, to feel some peace today, peace that only comes from the hope that maybe I can cope.  Peace that comes from knowing that I can finish my marathon in Nov.  I know I can.