I actually smiled today while running.

So the dream of the marathon is over for now.  Today while running the 2 hours and 30 minutes I set out to do, I realized how much I disliked running.  It had become a burden and a big one and I do not need any more burdens.  It started to overwhelm, all of the hours training.  I do not need anything else to overwhelm me with everything going on at work.  I started to hate running, and I do not want to hate running.  I have gained 10 pounds.   I am running more than I ever have before, and I have gained 10 pounds.  I started running to lose weight.  Yes, I am not ashamed to admit it.  It started because I was overweight and wanted to continue to lose weight.  You see, I have never been an athlete.  I was a cheerleader.  Then I got to college and gained the College 15 and kept on going.  I lost over 70 pounds when I was 26.  I dabbled a little in running then, but not much.  Then I had my kids and gained 20 pounds back and started running.  I ran a few races and kept going.  I ended up losing over 30 pounds and was the thinnest I had ever been.  I stayed that way for a long, long time.  Sure my weight has fluctuated some by 5-10 pounds.  After my surgery, I was up 5 pounds but lost it when I returned to running.  Last year, I decided to try a half marathon saying that I would never run a full because of the damage it does to your body and the time commitment.  I work more than full time and am raising two young children.  Time is very limited for me.  Then last December, I had it in my mind that I needed to fight fear because my mother is so afraid of so much and that I was afraid to run that marathon.  What I have learned this summer is that I was not afraid of running 26 miles.  I have no issues attempting to run over 20 miles.  I have run 23 miles plus.  I knew that marathon training takes time and extra time is something of which I have little to give.  (For those of you who might argue, I am up at 4:15a to workout most days.  Trust me, my time is limited.) 
Today, I decided that the marathon is not for me.  The continued training is too much.  Sure I could finish the marathon at this point, but I hate running and that is not worth it to me.  When I made that decision, the second half of my run got a whole hell of a lot easier.  I actually smiled today while running more than a few times.  I ran 15 miles and found the inner strength to sprint at the end, something that would have been much more difficult last week.  Running no longer seems like a chore and running this next weekend will not be a burden because if I decide all that I have the strength for is 6 miles, so be it.  The pressure is gone.  I learned that I need to get back to basics and to lose weight again, I need to run, but I can go the distance my mind can handle.  I am going to see the nutrition person my therapist recommended.  She deal with athletes and those with eating disorders.  I have struggled during this training with what to eat so I have eaten more than I should, I believe.  Not good.  Not good.