Irony hits this weekend.

As I continue to wade through this reawakening of life, as luck (or something else) would have it, my mother actually said to me, "I hate my life."  Now there is no need to go into the whole thing about how hurtful it is to have your mother tell you this.  We all know it is incredibly hurtful.  I am mentioning it just to explain how ironic it is that I am finally wakening from a deep sleep and clearly in good time.  I was on her path.  Lordy, was I ever on her path.  I remember being 7 or 8 and telling my sister that my mother was not happy.  My sister, who is kind of oblivious, tells me that no one is always happy.  That was not what I meant and maybe my sister realized it and tried to hide what she was thinking.  Either way for a young child, I find my statement very perceptive now.  My mother never enjoyed her children.  She never enjoyed life.  I think that is the problem with trying to control everything.   You are never in the moment and can never just relax.  Rather, you are always looking forward 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour, a day, a month, and even a year into the future.  You are never just present and let's face it.  All we really have is the present.  I was like her.  I remember the first moment I enjoyed and just decided to "be."  My son was 4, I think.  We were sitting at a Bruester's.  I had gotten him ice cream after going to see a NASCAR showcar.  He was taking forever eating his ice cream like any 4 year old would.  It was making me crazy.  I wanted to go.  In my frustration, I realized that I needed to relax and go with his time and just be present and enjoy the moment I had with him.  It was not when I started to really change my life and the constant need for control, but I noticed the day that it happened what an important moment it was in my life.  I knew even then.  I feel incredibly sorry for my mother.  How does one live so long and never enjoy those years.  How does one choose to be that miserable, and yes, I believe it is a choice.  If there is one thing I could say to my mother it would be this.  Yes, you have had a difficult life, but you are not special in that.  People suffer.  They suffer big, and even if their suffering is not as huge as yours were, they are still horrible to them and it is the perception that matters.  You may find their problems inconsequential when compared to yours, but to those people, they are massive.  Do not take that from them.  It is insulting.  Rather know that we all suffer in our own ways.  Some just suffer more quietly than others.  Trust me, you are not quiet about your suffering.  Not at all.  You think you live a life of quiet desperation.  Trust me, you are loud.  Your misery was evident every day that I lived with you.  It was present always, and frankly, it is the reason why we do not have a relationship.  Your misery affects everything and everyone around you.  I do not want to be a part of that any longer.  I am trying to live a good life.  I am choosing happiness and my husband and my children over anything else.  You made your choice.  Do not judge me for mine.  There is room for you in my life if you can wash yourself from the misery you have immersed yourself in for years, but only if you can try to do so.  The sad thing is that I do not believe that you can do so.  It is too much a safety net for you.  I fight my old safety nets every day--almost every moment, the ones that you taught me and that constantly tell me to shut in and not trust and be afraid of feeling and loving and wanting something else.  I want something else, Mom.  I want a good life.  I want a happy life.  I want an awesome marriage filled with love, trust, lots of sex, and complete and utter devotion.  I want to be madly in love with my husband and not be afraid of that love.  I want to spend moments with my kids and not be thinking about what we will do in 10 or 15 minutes.  I want to stop waiting for the next event.  I want to stop waiting for my husband to leave me because I am not worth him loving.  I want to stop waiting for him to leave because he will someday see that I am not really fabulous.  Mom, I want to stop being afraid.  Life is not about being afraid.  Fear keeps us from really living.  I have been shut in enough.  I want to live.  I do not know why you did not choose life.  I am choosing life.  I will fight those old safety nets as long and as hard as I can.  Life is too short.  I am not wasting a moment.  I am running a half marathon in August.  I don't care if I do not run the whole thing.  I am not afraid.
Go Kyle Busch.  Kick their tails tonight!