Life has taken harder turns

I sit here recovering from a few things. 1. My skin was either getting eaten by something or reacting to something. Doc called it dermatitis, of course, but we all know that is a generic term for skin eruption and we don't know why. It is also on my face which is worse for me. A nice tube of steroid cream and it is finally healing. Mercifully. The set under my breasts itches horribly, though, so I am praying that set is the second set to heal. 2. This conversion at work. It has been a long 30 days. I have not been able to take care of myself physically the way that I like too. The end is almost here so I am hoping once I get back from Knoxy later this week, that will change. Hubby keeps talking about the tone in my body and how nice it is. No doubt, I have lost some. I hope to regain it quickly once my mind is over the conversion of WBXX. 3. Trying to figure out if something is eating me and what the "hail" is causing the "dermatitis." Hubby was out of town on Fri night, but I still pulled our entire bed apart looking for bedbugs or signs of them. Nothing. All I found was a lot of dust. I mean I pulled the bed apart. It is a king so it was tough work. The kids hung out in the bathroom because both hate the vacuum. Then yesterday I cleaned the entire upstairs. No bugs still, but at least it is clean and really cleaned. Stuff got moved and vacuumed under. Dust is gone. Bonus for that at least. No new bumps erupted last night so if there was a bug, I got it. 4. (and this one is a bit harder for me.) I am still trying to cope with my marriage and family life taking harder turns than I ever expected. It is a long, drawn out story, but I am not sure that my marriage will ever be the same again. I am not sure that it can be. It as that moment of you are going along thinking that your life is perfect...well maybe not perfect. Lord knows how stressed I have been with this conversion at work, but my family life has been great, and then something comes up totally out of left field that changes the foundation of your marriage. Part of that is me. I tend to retreat when I feel threatened, but stuff like this always leaves me wondering about the implications for the future. We are not quite 12 short years into our marriage. If this has come up so soon when we are both still not even mid-life, what will happen over the next decade? I marry for life. Anything less is not an option so what happens is the marriage ultimately dissolves? Do we trudge on just living together but not really being engaged in our lives together? I spent a good part of my youth wanting something more than I had as a child. Let's face it, my childhood was not the happiest. It was overtaken by my sister's illness and a mother who felt the need to control everything down to the tiniest detail. I spent days dreaming about what my life would be like when I was older, and I had control over my destiny. I would dream a lot about the person I would marry so in my mind I have spend years waiting for my husband. Years yearning and hoping he would be the right person and the right choice, and we would have a good life together. I thought we did until a week ago. Like I said, I recognize that part of it is me, but he should know that about me by now. I have never been one for surprises. Never. I need to prepare and let things sink in for a while. That is how I best cope. My initial reaction is always a negative one. I need to ponder and wade through to really get to the heart of how I am feeling. So what to do now? I don't know. I leave for Knoxy tomorrow for three days so the timing is either horrible or great. Not sure which....