Time

Getting to the end of the summer.  I start to get depressed.  Another year gone.  Why does time move so fast?  In the winter, I guess that I do not mind so much, but in the summer, it haunts me.  What is worse is that this summer I have not taken care of myself.  Old bad habits have come calling.  Of course, I let them in like old friends.  It is hard.  I have make changes and I know it, but I always have a reason not to.  I am terrified of getting fat.  Terrified and I cannot figure out for the life of me why I cannot get myself into this one last area of just living and taking it as far as I can.  Why is food such a comfort for me?  I hate food.  I do.  I hate it.  I hate eating.  I hate the urge to eat and I hate my favorite foods.  I hate that when I tell people I need to lose weight they get all mad at me.  What is wrong with wanting to be a little smaller?  I am in the upper number of a normal bmi so why shouldn't I try to lose weight?  Haven't studies shown that thinner people live longer?  I am not in any danger of becoming anorexic.  I do not get it.  I guess that is part of it.  I cannot really talk to anyone about my desire to lose weight and be healthier.  I get the "Oh you can eat that because you are thin."  I am thin because I do not eat it, but I dig in anyways.  I sometimes feel like the world wants to fatten me up....hubby included.  Sorry, Babe, but it is true.  It is not your fault.  It is how society is wired today.  We always want food because it is fast and easy.  In any event, I am going to try to find an OA meeting around here so maybe I can rid myself of the binging and mindless eating.  Fat chance, but at this point, I am desperate. 
Best to my hubby today.  I know you will do great!  I am so proud of you.

Sad to leave

Last trip to the beach & getting ready to leave. Always makes me sad. I want to go back & start the summer over.  It has been wonderful.  This summer has had a lot of ups & downs but every moment has been real.

Back from vacation and depressed

I love the beach.  I know my hometown beach is not a fancy beach or one of the best beaches in the world.  (I get sick of people saying that when I mention where we vacation especially when they LIVE there!!)  It is a beach, though.  How bad can it be?  I love the beach.  I love being there.  I love everything about it.  It is me.  My hubby says that and he is so right.  I love the fact that there is something always going on and the water and the sand that I hate even.  I want to go back and do it all over.  I am a better person at the beach.  That is probably why I prefer to be there.  I go and I come back depressed.  I don't want to go back to my real life with work.  I want my family there with me so it is not about them. 
I wanted to say too that I meet the nicest people at the beach.  We have met most of the hotel staff where we stay and they are amazing.  We were lucky enough to meet a very kind gentleman from Turkey.  He is so kind and super hard working.  He goes back home in September.  My son adores him and truly believes we will see him again next year.  How do I tell a 7 year old that he met this man for the last time this past week?  It got me thinking and wondering if we would ever hear from him again and if we wanted to, how would we hear from him again?  Facebook?  Is it time for me to get on?  I would hate it, but I would do it to keep in touch with our friend. 
I am pretty much going vegetarian.  I am still only about a third of the way through The China Study, but it is compelling clinically speaking.  It is so boring because it is very clinical.  Not my kind of reading. 

Tackle life

Saw that on a shirt yesterday.  Found it inspiring.  I am doing better at just that but not enough.  I did really well w/my eating the last few weeks but this week is tougher, of course.  I make a huge deal about my hubby making me feel sexy & desired but I need to do my part too b/c my eating is a HUGE part of that.  No matter what he tells me, if I feel bloated & gross & know that I have eaten too much, well, it just keeps me from believing anything he says.  I need to work on it b/c I want to feel sexy & wanted all of the time.  Not just in spurts.

Weird episode last night and 18 miles.

I did it.  I felt really good going into it.  Technically, I was only slotted for 17 today, but I really wanted to hit the 18, and I knew that going into it.  Yesterday I felt ready to do the full boat and then at 1a, my son comes into the room saying his stomach hurts.  Not unusual.  He does that when he wants to sleep in our room.  I tell him to go get his blankets.  What does he do?  Goes into the bathroom and throws up all over the toilet seat, plunger, and walls.  I got to spend the next 15 minutes cleaning it up.  That was joyful.  Then my daughter came in about 20 minutes later and said her tummy hurt.  I think I was up until 2a.  I did not want to run this am, but I did.  As I was out, it was painful not physically, but emotionally.  The whole time I wondered how my kids were so I came home and found that both made a miraculous recovery.  I finished my last 9 on the treadmill.  I got all 18 and then some in so I was happy.  Tired but happy.  Running 18 miles takes a toll on you.  I finally laid down after walking around a botanical gardens for an hour and felt better then.  I rode my bike a little tonight to work out some of the soreness.  I am going to be sore tomorrow, but I am ready.  I am a bit disappointed that I did not get all 18 outside, but as soon as I got home today, it was going to rain so I figured it was best to stay in.  Next weekend....19.  All I have to say is yikes!  Ok, make that 19 yikes!!! 
I was 135.8 yesterday and 133.8 today.  I know that the 2 pound loss is water weight so the interesting part will be to see what I weigh tomorrow.  If it is 136 or below, I am happy.  I want to get down to 130 by the end of July.  I am hoping it is doable.  I am working really hard.  Despite the huge calorie output today, I ate my normal calorie count.  It was not that hard.  No one wants to eat after running that far anyways!  Although. fat looks really good to me right now.  I am craving super fatty food.  Tomorrow's peanut butter breakfast should be good.  Lots of fat!
Just saw a beautiful lightning bug.  It is definitely summer!

And the trend continues

So is it the result of summer being here or just taking more control of my life and making better choices.  Good Lord, I hope it is the latter or fall is going to be ROUGH!  This am's breakfast is a nice egg, spinach and onion sandwich.  I desperately need iron so we are eating eggs these days.  I am not getting half of the iron I need each day and now that I have hit 35 miles a week running, I probably need more iron.  So the hubby and I are finally getting our groove back, I think.  He will know what that means.  As I was walking today, I could not help but be a bit bitter that this time last week, I was waking up at the beach.  Granted we were hours away from getting locked out of our room and the hotel folks could not get in either, but that is another story and it did not mar out time there.  Man, I love red onions just a little sauteed.
I get my first bikini wax next week.  That is going to be an interesting experience for sure.  Got the new bikinis too.  I love them! So I made the switch to Larabars.  I eat a nutrition bar once a day.  Most of them have soy as a base and since my hormones seem to have extreme reactions so soy, I usually try to avoid it as much as I can.  It is so much food, though.  I was eating these bars where it was the main ingredient.  Not good.  I started noticing that I was having trouble sleeping at night again.  (Well...as much as I sleep.  As it is post kid, I wake up at least once a night.)  I was up every 2 hours which is a sign that my progesterone is low which means that my estrogen is likely high again so I had to back off the soy products.  The Larabars are good because they are free of soy, but high in protein and have fiber in them.  They are just what I needed.  Thank you, Larabar makers! 
I am way behind on my Runner's World readings so I am still on the April issue.  It has an article about Kara Goucher and Shalane Flanagan.  It talks about how even though they are competitors, they are very good friends and how they train together and spend hours talking while running.  It reminded me of my BFF and I.  First, I get that my BFF and I are no where in the league of these two amazing women.  Second, my BFF and I are not competitive with each other.  We don't care.  It is not about that for us nor should it be.  What spoke to me was the fact that they run and talk.  My BFF and I can do that for hours.  We have done that for hours.  It is just such a nice way to spend a few hours run. 
This week I have 17.  That will translate into about 3 hours of running.  I feel as ready as I think I can.  The bathroom thing worries me, but I can always run home.  Tomorrow is going to be warm so lots of water will be necessary. 
No pool this weekend.  Got to let the hair grow out!

We are definitely in my season

Happy belated Summer Solstice.  Yes, I celebrate it as a holiday.  I had a party at work.  Next year, it is a Saturday and believe me, we will be partying at home.  Summer is me.  It just lifts my mood.  Ok, I suspect that some control over my neurosis is fueling this feeling too, but I am just going with it.  Why not?  I am determined to get down to 131 by the end of July.  I am working on it and it is going ok.  I am not giving numbers right now, but I will once we get closer. 
I loved being at the beach this past weekend.  It felt so much like home, and it was good to be there even with the stresses we had.  The summer and beach just speak to me.  It is just a different world.